As the sun set, I walked down the Commercial Street, my long shadow trailing behind me.
With my back hunched, I looked like an old man.
The weight in my arms wasn’t enough to make me buckle, yet both my heart and body craved to be close to that weight.
The bag I cradled held the cash An Zhi had gone through so much trouble to send.
The important thing wasn’t the money, but An Zhi herself.
‘Am I so foolish that I’ve started seeing this cash as her?’
Holding that strange posture, I arrived at the bank and stood before the ATM.
I reluctantly opened the bag.
To prevent Su Xixia from touching it again, I intended to deposit “her” into my card.
I split the banknotes into two stacks and placed them into the machine one after another.
[9,600 yuan deposited.]
[8,900 yuan deposited.]
It was nearly 20,000 yuan, which was more than enough for one year of rent…
Even for An Zhi, it must have taken her a while to earn this much.
Looking at the numbers on the screen, guilt continuously welled up from the bottom of my heart.
I had to handle this money with extreme care.
***
At night, to drown out the sound of the water bubbling on the stove, I turned on the air conditioner.
The old outdoor unit fan made a constant “creak, creak” sound.
Su Xixia sat on the edge of the bed, having just finished her shower.
Her shoulders, framed by the straps of her camisole, glowed with a rosy hue as steam rose from her skin.
“Quite the luxury, isn’t it? Then again, now that you’ve made some money, you don’t need to save like this anymore. I’ll just turn it off!”
She ran to the stove and then immediately scurried back, sliding into the covers where I was.
“You’re not even dry yet…”
I complained, feeling the moisture.
“Then help me dry off! Before, you didn’t just blow-dry my hair, you even wiped my whole body clean! Are you feeling shy now?”
“…Dry yourself. Hurry up.”
I turned on my side with my back to her, ignoring the heavy, soft sensation of her chest pressing against me.
‘Can we go back to how we were a few days ago?’
Even if I deliberately tried to ignore them, the scars etched into my heart reminded me of what had happened.
Even though her physical body was within reach, I felt nothing.
Superficial physical contact could no longer satisfy me.
I needed something that reached the soul, an act that could heal the wound…
“Mingshan~”
she whispered into my ear, her breath tickling me.
“Fine, whatever! If you won’t dry me, I’ll just use your body to do it!”
Her arms wrapped around my neck as she wriggled her body, rubbing the warm moisture from her skin onto me.
Even with such a sticky, soft sensation, she couldn’t touch my heart.
I already…
Had no way of maintaining our previous relationship.
“It’s no use. Give up, Xixia. I… can’t feel that kind of desire.”
She should have understood.
It wasn’t that I lacked desire altogether; it was that I couldn’t do it with her.
“You’re saying you don’t want to sleep with me?! Stop pretending! It’s not just your mouth that’s acting tough!”
“…”
I didn’t know how to explain it.
She didn’t give me the chance anyway, reaching deep under the covers—
“?”
A few seconds later, her body, which had been pressed tightly against mine, lost its strength and slumped naturally against my back.
Shortly after, the warmth of her breath against my skin was mixed with the coldness of falling tears.
Give up.
We can’t go back to how we were a few days ago.
“Mingshan, is ‘she’ really that important? Even if you’re just faking it, can’t you just try to love me?”
“No. It’s impossible for me to forget her.”
“Then I’ll leave it to time! Don’t you think about running away; I’ll see how long you can last! Hmph!”
“Ah…”
She pinched my waist hard, the pain making my whole body shiver.
Then she hugged me again, our skin pressed together as we exchanged body heat.
‘At least I should thank you for giving me brief comfort when I was lonely and cold.’
Only for that part, I would find a way to repay her once everything was over.
But the mistake she had committed still wouldn’t disappear.
Even if she only wanted to “maintain the status quo,” I was still resisting.
***
In the early morning, a ray of light hit the dark concrete floor, illuminating a square patch.
“Beep, beep, beep—”
The sharp sound of the alarm clock broke the silence of the tiny bedroom.
On the left side of the bed, An Zhi stopped the alarm and sat up.
Her vision was dark; if it weren’t for that bright square of light, she wouldn’t have known it was dawn.
This was the third floor of the studio, the lounge area corresponding to the Practice Room.
On one side were bunk beds, while the other side held a small table and storage lockers.
Facing the door was a long, rectangular window only the size of an arm.
The design was more like a dormitory.
Due to the privacy needs of the big stars, the security here was extremely tight.
The perimeter walls were covered in electric fencing, and the main entrance was guarded at all times.
She couldn’t imagine how Li Mingshan had managed to break in.
Regardless, she couldn’t think of any way to sneak out.
Picking up her phone, the screen showed only a few app icons.
Even basic text and calling functions were restricted; she could only dial a few internal company numbers.
Since her popularity began to soar, her phone had been confiscated according to the company’s requirements.
It was replaced by this work phone, completely cutting off her contact with the outside world.
‘This might be illegal,’ she thought, though she didn’t know how to protest.
When she complained to Jiang Lulan, who was always with her, the woman would only comfort her by saying:
“It’s for safety’s sake. Think about it—once you’re famous, if those fans find out who your acquaintances are, they’ll go to them for information and harass them. It would cause a lot of trouble. Especially a ‘boyfriend’; he might get killed~”
Thinking of the faces of her relatives and friends, especially her boyfriend Li Mingshan whom she hadn’t seen in a long time, she would always suppress her emotions and barely maintain her persona for the livestreams.
Upon learning that this intensive training would take place in Sucheng, she could no longer control her growing restlessness and struggled…
*Bang!*
The door was pushed open forcefully, and Jiang Lulan’s somewhat youthful face peeked in.
“Good morning~! You’re awake! Why don’t you go eat breakfast in the Practice Room?”
“Okay. About what we talked about…”
An Zhi combed her long black hair, her eyes falling on the crumpled dance shoes next to her dance skirt.
These were the shoes Li Mingshan had given her as a gift to congratulate her on joining the new company.
Inside, written in soft lines, was the blessing “May your dance remain in my heart forever” along with the signature “Li Mingshan.”
An Zhi had kept this somewhat crude gift as a private treasure until now.
“What we talked about? Oh, right, it’s all for your sake, Zhi. As long as you’re good, get your condition back to normal soon, and return to the company to resume streaming, I can help you with your requests—as long as they aren’t too excessive~”
Jiang Lulan had said this many times, and she had indeed helped with many things.
Having heard it so often, An Zhi felt that Jiang Lulan was only doing these “company-forbidden” things to satisfy her own selfishness, which made her feel guilty toward the woman.
“It’s not that…”
An Zhi lowered her head.
Because of this, it became harder and harder for An Zhi to speak up.
She had finally managed to become brave and expressive during her livestreams, but now she was back to square one.
“Sigh—what is it? Do you want my help again? I thought you would consider how hard I work. If the company finds out, it’ll be difficult if I get fired.”
“I’m sorry.”
An Zhi looked at the empty tabletop and clenched her small fists.
“Sister Lulan, I… Can I see him once?”
“Huh!?”
Jiang Lulan froze at the door.
She had expected that under such pressure, An Zhi would know when to stop.
She hadn’t expected her to make an even more outrageous request.
“Please… otherwise I’ll…”
An Zhi hesitated for a long time, unable to voice any actual threat.
She wasn’t like Li Mingshan, after all.
She would rather torment herself repeatedly than trouble others.
To have reached this point already meant she had suffered through a great ordeal.
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