“Li Mingshan, we plan to sneak out while the security guard is dozing off. We have to be back before he patrols the floors, so we won’t have much time to talk.”
An Zhi’s soft fingertips gripped the pen.
Writing this far, she put the pen down and then picked it up again.
“I’m sorry, I finally got to see you, but I can only tell you what I want to say in a letter. Actually, I’ve been thinking about you all the time — while livestreaming out of town, while eating, and even while sleeping. I think about the things you used to say.”
“I listen to you very much because I’m cowardly and immature, and I only know how to listen to others. I’ll tell you a secret: before graduation, I was supposed to follow my mother abroad, but I stayed and looked for a job because of you. The words I stopped halfway back then were actually ‘Because if I go abroad, I won’t be able to see you anymore.’ At that time, I felt so amazing, daring to do what I wanted to do.”
The tip of the pen pressed deeply into the final period.
She lightly stroked her flushed cheeks, took a deep breath, and continued writing.
“When I joined the company, I was especially happy. I could dance every day and wouldn’t have to leave you. It was the best of both worlds — or so I thought — but — “
Writing to this comma, the pen was slippery, stained with the sweat from her hands.
“The company’s requirements became stricter and stricter. I thought about the serious way you wrote your books and told myself to work hard so you wouldn’t worry. Even my phone was taken by the company, and every day’s movements had to be reported. By the time I regretted it, it was too late. Slowly, the only person left by my side was Sister Lulan.”
“You said to follow your heart and do what you want to do. But I stayed for work just as I wanted, so why did I end up losing my freedom? I can’t figure it out, so I blame my own cowardice and fear that you’ll blame me too.”
“I thought that even like this, I wanted to help you and let you know I’m still here. So, I begged Sister Lulan many times. She kept saying it violated regulations, and I really didn’t know what to do. If it were you, you’d definitely have a better way.”
After writing this sentence, tears left dark gray marks in the two blank lines below.
She wiped her tears and skipped two lines.
“I finally had a chance to return to Sucheng, and I finally mustered the courage to beg Sister Lulan to help me, willing to pay whatever the cost. That day you rushed in to find me, I knew all the sacrifices were worth it. I’m really so happy, but also unsatisfied.”
“I came to see you today on the condition that I agreed to Sister Lulan’s terms — that I would set off back to the company the next day to resume livestreaming. Tomorrow, I’ll be leaving Sucheng. If possible, I want you to hug me.”
Writing this, she suddenly lifted her pen and patted her cheeks.
“Right, by the time you see this letter, I’ll already be gone. How can you hug me? I’m so happy to see you again that I’ve turned stupid. Um, I take back what I said before. When I resume livestreaming, just come to the livestream room quietly to see me — quietly. The livestream contract expires in almost one year. I’ll probably be back then. Wait for me.”
“Then, let’s go abroad together and apologize to my mother. I’ll persuade her to accept us.”
Her heart was racing, and she couldn’t think of how else to express it in the letter.
After thinking it over, she just wrote quickly.
“I’m looking forward to being held by you — An Zhi”
Then she quickly folded the letter and handed it to Jiang Lulan, who was nearby.
—
My fingers traced the two rough tear stains on the letter.
It was a letter very much in An Zhi’s style — like a flower hiding in its calyx, about to meet the sun.
She hadn’t changed at all after all this time.
And me?
Do I still fit the reliable image in her memory?
I failed to hug her as requested in the letter, and I even let her hear that recording.
I must have disappointed her.
I thought my tears had run dry, but my eyes grew moist again.
I closed the letter, hid it in my bag, locked the office door, and left the company.
Walking to the alley entrance, the bright headlights on the street illuminated the small bridge and flowing water in the deep night.
The rows of closed shops nearby brought a sense of desolation.
I opened the car door and sat in the back seat.
The smell of leather mixed with cigarette smoke made me cough a few times.
“How… what happened to you? Oh, oh! Is it that Su Xixia causing trouble again? That kind of woman is what they call a femme fatale!”
Xiao Ji turned his head from the driver’s seat to look at me.
The late-night subway had long since stopped running, and I had transferred all my money away, so I had to contact Xiao Ji to pick me up.
Fortunately, he hadn’t been drinking today.
“Please take me back first. I have other things I need your help with. Please.”
“Hey, what kind of talk is that! Don’t mention it.”
The car started, and the cabin jolted on the gravel road.
I still couldn’t figure out how Su Xixia knew exactly that I would meet An Zhi.
I had only told my friends.
The only others who knew were Mo You and Jiang Lulan.
But they didn’t know Su Xixia.
‘Could it be one of my friends…?’
No, I’d rather believe Su Xixia had a keen sense of smell or that some other mysterious informant existed.
Even if I confirmed someone tipped her off, what was their motive?
Why would they want to separate An Zhi and me?
Thinking deeply made things complicated again.
Perhaps because I stayed up late and was under stress, my brain couldn’t function at all.
“After you take me home, go to the women’s restroom stall here, let Su Xixia out, and bring her to my house. Lock the door…”
I quietly explained the plan I had thought of.
After Xiao Ji listened patiently, he seemed to understand something and nodded.
“It’s time to get away from her. You even left her a place to stay; you’ve done more than enough.”
When Xiao Ji turned serious, he seemed more mature and reliable than usual.
“I didn’t get to see An Zhi. I…”
“At least you’ve decided to leave that woman. Sigh, I shouldn’t have encouraged you to have her in the first place. I’m at fault, too. Without her in the way, there will definitely be another chance.”
‘There is still a chance.’
An Zhi would leave tomorrow.
‘There is still a chance.’
I comforted myself this way, trying to hold back my collapsing emotions as my body sank deep into the leather cushions.
‘I’ll move out first.’
As for what to do tonight, sleeping was basically impossible.
I had to find a house that could be rented immediately and find a way to settle the money issue…
In a moment of heated passion, I had transferred all my money away.
It was truly impulsive.
When I got home, I packed all my essentials, including the commemorative photo of An Zhi and her dance shoes that were lying quietly in the shoe cabinet drawer.
I didn’t take anything Su Xixia had given me.
Once I left this time, it would be a final farewell to her.
Even though seeing the places she had cleaned, the pot of water ready on the stove, the beans piled under the counter, and the clothes drying outside inevitably touched my heart.
However, I wouldn’t be soft-hearted this time.
Hidden within this reachable warmth was a lethal poison.
I didn’t want to deceive myself anymore, not until I drowned in this gentle trap.
I would personally end this ill-fated relationship.
After packing everything, I dragged my peeling suitcase out of the apartment.
I saw the moon already slanting in the sky; it was already the early hours of the morning.
Xiao Ji was still waiting for me outside.
I had already given him the apartment keys, but he still hadn’t left.
“All done?”
He asked, walking over.
“Yeah. Go pick up Su Xixia. After I handle the rent contract as quickly as possible, I’ll need your help to come back and check on things. Sorry to trouble you…”
“There you go again! What did I say about that!”
“Go on. There will be too many people there after dawn; it won’t be convenient.”
Only then did Xiao Ji climb into the car and roll down the window to stare at me.
The expression and state of my face right now must be ugly and weak.
I could still feel the coldness of either tears or snot.
“Are you okay? How about you go to my place for a nap? My sister probably knows something happened to you; she’ll understand.”
“No… I’m fine. Just go.”
“You… take care of yourself!”
Xiao Ji left those words before starting the car and driving out of the apartment gates.
I walked along the wide road of the New Urban District.
The streetlights cast my hunched shadow one after another.
The cold wind blew in gusts, seeping into the gaps of my old clothes.
It was December.
The Start of Winter had long since passed, and soon it would be the Winter Solstice, a time for family reunions.
I walked aimlessly alone on the road.
Not much time had passed since the day the landlord kicked me out.
Yet, I had fallen into an even more dire situation.
Penniless, homeless, and perhaps about to lose my job.
Even my girlfriend was disappointed in me.
After walking a few steps, I actually reached a subway entrance.
The rolling shutter door was shut tight, without a single light.
But the bottom of the stairs underground was still a bit warmer than the ground level.
I curled up against the wall between the rolling shutter and the stairs, waiting for the subway to open.
I wanted to pull myself together, but my collapsing body released an irresistible sleepiness.
My consciousness began to blur.