Then I walked around to the front and saw her scarf.
Pfft.
It was tied all crooked!
One side of the bow was big while the other was small, and the ribbons hanging below were different lengths.
They dangled over her chest, swaying like a butterfly that had been blown lopsided by the wind!
“What’s this?” I laughed.
I was really laughing this time; I didn’t have to fake it.
She looked down at her scarf, then looked back up at me, her ears so red they looked like they were about to drip blood!
Her eyes looked pitiful, as if they were saying, ‘I really tried my best, but they just won’t listen!’
“Aaaah!”
My heart turned into a puddle!
‘Calm down, Xiao Yan! Calm down!’
“Let me re-tie it for you.”
I reached out and untied the crooked bow.
As my fingers moved back and forth, she stood there obediently without moving.
She kept her head down, watching my hands, her eyelashes drooping and fluttering.
Her breathing was very, very light and warm, blowing against the back of my hand.
It was itchy!
‘Don’t shake, don’t shake, don’t shake!’
‘Don’t let my fingers shake!’
‘It’s just tying a scarf!’
‘You’ve tied your own ten thousand times! Calm down!’
But her breath was so close.
Her face was so close.
Her eyelashes were so long, her skin was so white, and her lips were a pale pink, slightly pursed.
They looked soft and delicious.
Heavens, what am I thinking!
After I finished tying it, I took a step back to inspect my work.
“Mhm!”
Much better than before!
The bow was just the right size, both sides were symmetrical, and the ribbon lengths were about the same!
“All done.”
I said it with a relaxed tone! I had to act like nothing happened!
She looked down, touched the edges of the bow, and whispered something.
Her voice was so small, like the hum of a mosquito.
But I heard it.
“Thank you.”
It was soft and sweet, like a marshmallow melting on the tip of my tongue!
‘Don’t think about how good that voice sounds! Don’t think about it!’
Then I noticed her hair. It was a mess.
Several strands had escaped the ponytail, clinging to her cheeks, neck, and shoulders!
The ponytail itself was crooked, tied to the left side of her head like a little faucet!
“President, your hair is loose, too,” I said.
She reached out to touch the end of her hair.
She probably felt how crooked it was because her face turned even redder.
How many times has she blushed today!
I really want to count! No, now is not the time for that!
“Let me tie it for you again.”
I walked behind her, keeping my voice natural.
“This hair tie isn’t very good.”
I took off the hair tie she was using.
It was one of those yellow, translucent ones.
Very thin.
The kind used to bundle ballpoint pen refills—the kind that costs $2 a pack at a stationery store.
She was actually using that to tie her hair!
No wonder it was falling apart!
I gently slid the band off her head.
Her hair instantly spilled out, cascading over her shoulders.
The ends curled slightly, reflecting a soft glow under the lights!
Her hair was so soft, so very soft.
When I used my hand to comb through it, my fingers sank in.
It was silky, like stroking a kitten’s fur!
Every strand was fine and light.
As they slipped through my fingers, it felt itchy and tingly.
That sensation traveled from my fingertips straight to my heart!
I gathered her hair together and smoothed it with my fingers.
When I hit a knot, I stopped and untangled it bit by bit, afraid of hurting her.
She stood perfectly still with her head bowed.
I could see the tips of her ears were red, her neck was red, and even the back of her neck was red!
A thought suddenly popped into my head.
‘Is she red all over?!’
‘I really want to check!’
‘No, no, no! What am I thinking?!’
‘Tie the hair! Focus on tying the hair!’
After tying the ponytail, I walked back to the front to take a look.
Mhm! Much better than before!
Though it was still a little crooked, probably because my skills aren’t good enough.
It definitely wasn’t because my hands were shaking from nervousness!
But at least it wouldn’t fall down!
“All done.”
I walked around to the front and spoke in a relaxed tone.
She reached up to touch her ponytail and looked up at me, her eyes bright!
“Thank you,” she said.
Her voice was a little louder this time.
“You’re welcome,” I said with a smile.
Then I noticed her collar was flipped up again.
I must have brushed against it while doing her hair.
I reached out to flatten the collar, and when my fingers touched her shoulder, I felt that temperature again!
Her shoulders were so thin.
When my fingers pressed down, I could feel the bone underneath—slender and small.
Her collarbone was also very prominent, a shallow line extending from the neckline.
Her skin was very smooth.
When my fingertips pressed against it, I could feel her body heat.
‘Don’t think about it!’
‘Pull back!’
‘Now!’
“You don’t usually pay much attention to your clothes or hair, do you, President?”
I tried to give a warm smile, withdrew my hand, and took a step back.
She didn’t answer; her ears only turned redder.
I stood there, looking at her red ears.
Suddenly, something clicked in my brain!
She doesn’t know how to tie her hair.
She doesn’t know how to tie a scarf.
She doesn’t know how to pull up a zipper.
She doesn’t know how to fix a collar.
She doesn’t know how to do any of it.
But that wasn’t the strangest part!
The strangest part was that she didn’t know that she should know.
She tied the ponytail crooked, but she thought that was just how ponytails were.
She tied the scarf crooked, but she thought that was just how scarves were.
She couldn’t reach the zipper, but she thought it was a problem with the zipper, not herself.
She didn’t have the confusion of
‘I used to be able to do these things, but now I can’t!’
She didn’t have the dazed feeling of
‘I clearly remember it wasn’t like this before!’
She simply, truly, did not know!
She didn’t know how a girl should tie her hair.
She didn’t know how a girl should tie a scarf.
She didn’t know that when a girl gets dressed, the zipper is in the back.
What did this mean?!
It meant that in her memory, there was no experience of “being a girl” at all.
It meant that everything she remembered was about “being a boy.”
It meant she likely had a full set of male memories and had suddenly turned into a girl!
It wasn’t amnesia! It wasn’t reincarnation! It wasn’t that she always thought she was a girl!
She most likely was a boy as recently as last night, woke up this morning as a girl, and was completely overwhelmed by everything!
That’s why she used a rubber band for pens, why she tied her scarf like that, and why she didn’t know the zipper was in the back!
Because she was a boy yesterday.
She didn’t need to do any of this yesterday.
Yesterday, she only had to put on a boy’s school uniform, zip up her pants, and she could walk out the door!
Thinking of this, that sour feeling in my chest suddenly grew heavier.
She was all alone!
She had no one to ask, no one to talk to.
No one in the whole world knew who she was.
She could only fumble through tying her hair, fumble through tying her scarf, and fumble through being a girl.
And then this morning, she pretended like nothing had happened and came to school.
Her expression was so normal.
The way she pushed up her glasses, her posture when standing, the tone of her voice — everything was exactly the same as usual, as if nothing had happened! As if she had always been a girl!
How did she do it?! How much effort did it take for her to look so calm?!
Oh my god, oh my god! I really want to protect her!
I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her it’s okay.
I want her to know she isn’t alone.
I want her to know there is someone who knows who she is.
Someone who remembers how she used to be.
Someone who will always be by her side.
But my body was also refusing to listen.
When I touched her skin just now, my heart beat so fast it nearly jumped out of my throat.
It wasn’t just because I knew she was the President.
It was because… because her skin was so soft.
Her hair smelled so good.
The back of her neck was so white, her ears were so red, her shoulders were so narrow, and her collarbone was so distinct.
But that was the President’s body.
That was the President.
That was the President.
No matter what she looked like, she was still the President inside.
The President who taught me to recognize the stars, who helped me adjust the telescope, and who blocked the counterweight rod with his own back.
But I was so nervous.
So nervous my fingers were shaking, so nervous my brain was a mess.
So nervous I didn’t know where to look.
Looking at her face made my heart race, looking at her neck made my heart race — looking anywhere made my heart race.
‘Calm down, Xiao Yan! Calm down! That’s the President!’
‘You only helped her tie her hair! It’s no big deal!’
“I’ll help you from now on,” I said.
My voice was a bit louder than I expected! Was it too obvious! Did I sound too enthusiastic!
She looked up at me, her eyes blinking.
“I’ll help you comb your hair from now on,” I added, softening my tone a bit.
“I pass by your classroom every morning anyway.”
That sounded much more normal, right?
Just a helpful Junior!
Perfectly reasonable!
She wouldn’t overthink it, would she?
Surely not?
She froze for a moment.
“There’s no need…”
“It’s fine!”
I said with a smile, shoving my hands into my pockets.
I couldn’t let her find out my hands were shaking.
I couldn’t let her find out my mind was a total mess right now.
I couldn’t let her find out that ‘I almost forgot to breathe when I touched her skin just now.’
She didn’t speak, but I saw the corner of her mouth curl up ever so slightly.
It was a tiny movement, like a ripple on a lake blown by the wind!
Heavens! She smiled!
“Then… thank you.”
She spoke in a voice smaller than a mosquito’s.
It was soft and sweet, like melting ice cream!
My heart started racing again! ‘Stop it, stop it, stop it!’
‘Calm down, Xiao Yan! Calm down!’
“Then it’s a deal!”
I turned to grab the observation records, making sure my movements were natural.
I couldn’t let her see my shaking hands.
“Senior, this is the activity plan for next month. I’ll leave it on the table!”
“Mhm,” she grunted in response.
I put the things away and turned to walk out.
‘Don’t look back, don’t look back, don’t look back!’
“Then I’ll head out first. Bye-bye, Senior!”
“Bye-bye.”
I stepped out of the club room and gently closed the door.
Then I leaned against the wall and let out a long, long breath!
My heart was still racing! It was beating so hard it felt like it would jump out of my chest!
Thump-thump, thump-thump — it wouldn’t stop!
My fingers were still shaking.
Where I had touched her skin, the warmth still lingered. Silky, soft, and hot.
But that’s the President!
Yet, she was still so cute.
The way she looked with her crooked ponytail was cute, the way her scarf was lopsided was cute, and the way her face turned red was cute.
Even the soft way she said thank you was cute.
I wanted to protect her, but I also wanted to touch her hair again, to touch her shoulder again, to touch the back of her neck again.
I wanted to be close to her, just a little bit closer.
Heavens, what am I thinking.
But I just… I couldn’t control myself.
So I could only pretend I didn’t know anything.
I had to pretend I hadn’t noticed anything, pretend she had always been a girl, pretend I was just a helpful Junior, pretend my heart wasn’t racing this fast, pretend my hands weren’t shaking, and pretend I didn’t want to touch her.
I had to pretend I didn’t know the truth.
This was for the best.
That way, I could always stay by her side.
***