Chapter 39: Obsession

“Not bad, how about you?”

Come to think of it, I had forgotten this person’s name, but out of politeness, I decided to respond anyway.

“Ah, I recently dropped out of school and don’t plan to go back. I’m just doing some snack-selling near the school to get by.”

The old classmate smiled brightly, and I returned a faint smile in response.

This was just a small, remote town — I’ve seen many who finish middle school and go straight to work, so it wasn’t surprising.

I didn’t pity them either.

Whether going to school or working, I don’t really care much about either.

Maybe it’s because of my family upbringing that I wasn’t driven by ambition.

Live for yourself. As long as you can barely get by, anything is fine.

Even if it means scavenging bread at a bakery, it’s okay.

When you’re at a dead end, you can always run back home.

That’s what my dad told me, and it’s been my spiritual anchor.

I slowly came back to my senses.

“Is that so? Then I’ll test your skills — give me one hand-grab pancake.”

The old classmate’s face lit up as if I had just given him recognition.

“Sure! What sauce do you want? What fillings? It’s all listed here, pick whatever you like. This one’s on the house!”

After choosing the fillings and sauces, he started making the hand-grab pancake.

His movements were a little clumsy but clearly earnest.

After a while, he wrapped it in a paper bag and handed it to me.

I took a small bite — the texture was crispy, stuffed generously with fillings.

It was truly satisfying.

Surprisingly good.

I nodded and gave him a thumbs up, praising his skills.

“Super delicious, you’ve got the skills to make big money.”

“Haha, thanks for the compliment.”

After chatting casually with my old classmate for a bit, I took out my phone pretending to check the time, then used the excuse of having something urgent to do and slipped away.

I always liked to get out like this — it eased the guilt of ending the conversation first, even though it was a lie.

Hmm… maybe I won’t pass by the middle school again in the future, and the chance of going out alone will probably be kept very, very low.

“Gu Fan, wait!”

Called again by my old classmate, I stopped and turned around to see him hesitating to speak.

I didn’t rush him.

I just stood there smiling, waiting for him to gather his thoughts.

Finally, he seemed ready.

He slightly lowered his head, then bent deeply at the waist — he was bowing to me.

“Gu Fan, thank you for taking care of me back in middle school.”

After standing up, he shared with me his experiences and what had been on his mind during that time.

“No one wanted to hang out with me back then, but you were willing to include me. Even though I’m not in school anymore, those happy days of being brought into the group by you will always be my most cherished memories. Thank you.”

I was momentarily stunned, because I finally remembered who he was.

He looked pretty lonely back then, so I casually took him to play some basketball.

Later, when friends went out for arcade games or to the food street, I’d let him tag along.

I never expected that small kindness of mine would leave such a deep impression on him.

But… his words actually woke up my muddled mind, a haze that had been swirling in my head suddenly illuminated by a scorching beam of sunlight.

“If anyone should be thanked, it should be me thanking you. Alright, I should get going. Well… until we meet again.”

After saying that, my old classmate looked much more at ease.

Like he understood my temper, he just smiled and said, “Until we meet again,” and then we parted ways.

I gave up my original plan of wandering around and turned toward home — I had made up my mind.

After meeting and talking with Zhi Nian’s mother, I finally understood that she had unintentionally ignited the fuse on a powder keg hidden deep inside me, called ‘escape’.

In a way, Zhi Nian and I are quite similar.

Neither of us likes socializing, but I choose to endure, to adapt to the small society of school, using all sorts of conversation tricks to guide topics.

Zhi Nian, on the other hand, follows her heart — if she doesn’t like something, she simply won’t reach out, like a pure, untouchable ice crystal.

Zhi Nian’s mother’s warning pushed me to the edge of a narrow bridge.

Do I walk all the way across, or turn back now?

Am I supposed to ignore Zhi Nian?

Or pretend nothing happened at her house and keep muddling along with her?

What exactly is the nature of our relationship as we walk side by side?

Before leaving the house, I had no clue.

But now, I’ve found the answer.

* * * * *

My chest felt as if stuffed with a dirty, stinking rag, making it hard to breathe.

And my mind was occupied by a dark cloud formed from accumulated irritations.

No matter what I tried to think about, it was tainted with anxiety, unease, worry, and other negative emotions.

I couldn’t think clearly anymore.

Wrapped tightly in my blanket, I curled up into a ball, seeking a tiny bit of comfort and safety.

Ugh… so annoying.

Why are there so many things going against me?

If only reality could be as free and easy as dreams.

I clenched my phone, unconsciously lighting the screen and then turning it off repeatedly.

By the way, did I eat dinner today?

I’d been lying in bed too long—sleeping, waking, then sleeping again.

Except for changing my sanitary pad and going to the bathroom, I hadn’t really gotten up, and I couldn’t even remember if I’d eaten.

I rubbed my stomach; it still ached a bit, but I couldn’t tell if it was bloated or empty.

I probably ate, right?

Doesn’t matter anyway.

There’ve been plenty of times I didn’t eat, and it never felt that bad.

But… being a girl is really troublesome.

Going through a period every month—if next month hurts this much too, I might just want to die.

Just thinking about being a girl made my mind involuntarily jump to all the things only girls would do, and soon after, thoughts of marriage and having kids followed…

Ah, damn it, I’m losing it.

How can I think about stuff like that? I won’t do those things.

Besides, I’ll end up alone anyway.

But unfortunately, my mind was out of control.

No matter how much I told myself to get rid of those thoughts, they kept coming back like undead flames rising from nothingness.

Unconsciously, my mind drifted to Gu Fan’s sharp and handsome figure in a suit, holding a ring in his hand, and then…

Aaaaaaah!

No, no, no! It’s not like that, it’s not like that!

How could I possibly be worthy?

Wait… no, no, it’s not a matter of worthiness.

It’s that I simply can’t think about this kind of thing!

It’s too strange, way too strange.

I buried my face into the blanket, feeling my already chaotic mind spinning wildly.

Gu Fan could never marry me.

Even if I had that intention, he only has three years left.

…Three years… too short…

I would be unwilling to let him go.

Realizing again that only three years remain, I suddenly sobered up.

The dark clouds in my mind were completely swept away by a firm resolve.

I’m going to call Gu Fan and ask him out.

With that decision made, I immediately unlocked my phone, opened the contacts, and pressed the number I had starred and pinned at the top.

Before my thumb could fully press, the phone interface suddenly changed — two buttons appeared at the bottom, one red and one green.

Gu Fan was calling me.