Siyuan’s reaction was even more severe than Zheng Yang had expected.
During class, she could feel the gaze from beside her.
Sometimes she deliberately turned her head to grab something, only to catch Siyuan quickly averting his eyes, his ears turning bright red.
After class, sometimes when she stood up, Siyuan would subconsciously ask,
“Where are you going?”
Then, feeling he had been too forward, he would add,
“Do you want me to get you some water?”
Zheng Yang shook her head with a smile every time, but she was sighing inwardly.
‘It’s over, this kid…’
She thought about it over and over, feeling that the only path left was to “sully her own reputation.”
And so, the “self-disgrace” plan was carried out with great vigor, albeit with a bit of clumsiness.
She began frequently poking Siyuan with her elbow at various times, extending her hand matter-of-factly:
“Hurry, hurry, lend me your math homework to copy. That drama last night was too good; I couldn’t help but binge-watch it.”
Most of the time, Siyuan would silently hand over his homework without a second word, a hint of barely noticeable worry in his eyes.
If Siyuan hadn’t finished his, she would go to Zhang Zihan, Li Tong, and others; she could always borrow homework to copy.
Zheng Yang would deliberately write her characters in a wild and sloppy manner, full of mistakes, looking completely uninterested.
During breaks, she no longer only stayed with Wu Chun; instead, she would deliberately walk over to the group of the most mischievous boys in the class.
Following the pattern of boys in her memory, she would sling her arm around Zhang Zihan’s shoulder, loudly discuss yesterday’s basketball game, and even crack some harmless jokes.
She would even ignore her jiggling chest and imitate some basketball stars’ signature moves.
Zhang Zihan and the other little boys would clap and laugh heartily:
“As expected of Brother Yang! You even know how to do that!”
Li Tong would casually and deliberately point vaguely at Zheng Yang’s chest:
“Brother Yang isn’t fit for basketball; you’d easily commit a charging foul while dribbling.”
Some of the boys stifled snorting laughs, while others directly slapped the table and laughed.
But Zheng Yang was completely unbothered, at most laughing and cursing,
“Get lost, you guys!”
Sometimes she would laugh along too, and occasionally, she couldn’t help but glance at Siyuan out of the corner of her eye.
Siyuan sat in his seat, seemingly reading a book, but he had been staring at the same page throughout the entire break without turning it.
Zheng Yang’s heart felt like it was pricked by a needle—a bit painful, yet also a bit relieved.
The pain came from seeing her son’s disappointment.
The relief came from hoping that this disappointment would make him back off.
She was like a clumsy actor, strenuously playing a role she herself hated on stage, just to make the audience leave early.
However, Siyuan did not leave.
He just silently watched all her “self-disgrace” performances.
Until that morning.
The break after the third period had passed, and the bell for class had just rung.
Zheng Yang was returning from laughing and joking with Zhang Zihan, a flush still lingering on her face.
As soon as she sat down, a note was passed to her.
There were only three words on the note, but they exploded like a thunderbolt in her mind.
“Are you tired?”
Zheng Yang’s hand trembled violently, as if someone had discovered a deep secret in her soul.
She thought her act was flawless, that her “self-disgrace” would make him see “reality,” but she never expected that what Siyuan saw was not the “self-disgracing” her, but the tired soul behind the act.
He saw through her.
Or maybe, he had always known.
She had underestimated her son too much, just as she had underestimated Wu Chun not long ago.
Still, amidst the panic, there was also a trace of relief.
“Let’s meet at the usual place after lunch,” she whispered to Siyuan.
A secluded bench, under the noon sun, but with the shade of a tree, it wasn’t too hot.
The two sat in silence for a long time, neither speaking first.
Finally, Siyuan broke the silence.
“Yangyang,” his voice was soft but carried an unprecedented firmness,
“You don’t have to do this.”
Zheng Yang’s heart tightened.
“Do what?”
“You don’t have to… deliberately goof around with Zhang Zihan and the others, and you don’t have to pretend you don’t like studying in front of me.”
He turned his head and looked at her with clear eyes.
“I think that’s not the real you.”
Zheng Yang’s face instantly flushed crimson.
She opened her mouth to defend herself, but found that all words seemed so pale and powerless in front of such eyes.
She could only give an awkward smile, a smile that was uglier than crying—though even her crying was pretty.
“When you copied homework, your eyes didn’t have that ‘finally done’ relief. You were like you were completing a task that wasn’t really homework. When you goofed around with Zhang Zihan, although you laughed happily, that laugh was different from when you were with Wu Chun.”
Zheng Yang was stunned.
This kid was far more perceptive than she had imagined.
“So,” Siyuan’s voice lowered,
“you were acting. You were acting as an ‘ordinary female classmate.’ You were acting as ‘Brother Yang.’ You were acting as… you don’t like me. Right?”
Zheng Yang’s heart felt like it was being squeezed.
“I don’t not like you,” she heard herself say.
“I know.”
Siyuan smiled, and there was a bitterness in that smile beyond his years.
“You are good to me. But your goodness to me is different from your goodness to Wu Chun. With Wu Chun, you are natural. With me, you are… careful, as if afraid of breaking something.”
Zheng Yang almost burst into tears.
With both emotion and confusion.
‘Why… why do all the soulmates in my life appear after I became a girl? And one of them is even my own son…’
She took a deep breath and looked up at the sky.
The sky was very blue, with a few clouds drifting slowly.
“Siyuan,” she began, her voice a bit hoarse,
“you’re right. I was acting.”
Siyuan wasn’t surprised;
He waited quietly for her to continue.
“But I wasn’t trying to deceive you on purpose. I just… don’t know how to get along with you.”
Zheng Yang looked down at her hands.
“You are very special. You remind me of some… past things. I want to be good to you, but I’m afraid you’ll misunderstand. I want to keep my distance, but I can’t bear to.”
Siyuan was silent again for a long time.
“Yangyang,” he finally spoke,
“I don’t know what you’ve been through in the past. But you don’t have to act in front of me. Just be who you are. Even if you’re not perfect, even if you have many flaws… I’ll still think you’re great. Besides, I really haven’t found any flaws in you.”
Zheng Yang finally couldn’t hold it back, and tears fell.
She quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand and laughed,
“You’ve only known me for a few days, and you’re already saying things like this.”
“Some people can know each other their whole lives and still not understand each other. Some people only need a few days.”
Siyuan’s voice was calm.
“I might be the kind of person… with pretty good intuition.”
Zheng Yang looked at him, remembering her younger self.
Back then, she had also been a very sensitive guy with good intuition—
‘You really take after your old man, Siyuan…’
“Siyuan,” she put away her old-father-like look of relief and said seriously,
“I’m going to ask you a question, and you have to answer honestly.”
“Mm.”
“Do you… like me?”
The air was quiet for a few seconds.
Siyuan’s face slowly turned red, from his neck to the tips of his ears.
But he didn’t lower his head, nor did he deny it.
“Mm.”
His voice was so low it was almost inaudible.
“I know you might think I’m childish, and I know we haven’t known each other long. But I’m serious.”
Zheng Yang took a deep breath.
She had guessed it long ago.
But hearing her son say it aloud, her heart was still indescribably complicated.
“Siyuan, what I’m about to say next, you might not like to hear.”
“Go ahead.”
“I don’t dislike you. I could even say I like you very much. But not in that way.”
Zheng Yang tried to make her tone gentle.
“To me, you’re more like… a very important person. I want to watch you grow, to help you when you need it, but I can’t be your girlfriend.”
Siyuan’s expression didn’t change much, as if he had long anticipated this answer.
“I know.”
He gave a bitter smile.
“You don’t have that kind of feeling for me.”
“I… I don’t know how to explain this impossibility, but… it just is impossible. Can you… understand?”
“I understand,” he said.
“Everyone has secrets they don’t want to tell.”
Zheng Yang’s heart softened.
This kid was more mature than she had imagined.
Siyuan smiled.
“Let me say something you might not like to hear either.”
“Go ahead.”
Zheng Yang didn’t think there was anything she couldn’t accept.
“You are very much like my father.”
Pfft.
“But, I still really want to be friends with you. I wonder… if that’s possible.”
As Siyuan said this, he lowered his head, as if prepared to be rejected.
“Of course it is.”
Zheng Yang smiled.
“But not ordinary friends.”
“Then what?”
Zheng Yang thought about it, then extended her hand and curled her pinky.
“Let’s pinky swear.”
Siyuan was taken aback for a moment, then extended his pinky and hooked it with hers.
“First, you can like me. Liking someone is not a mistake, and I won’t distance myself from you because of this.”
Siyuan’s eyes lit up.
“But second, you can’t let liking me affect your studies. If your grades don’t improve, I’ll never talk to you again.”
“I promise!”
Siyuan’s voice went up half a tone.
“Third, before graduating high school, you’re not allowed to date. Not just me, but anyone.”
Siyuan hesitated for a moment, then nodded.
“Fourth,” Zheng Yang looked at him and said seriously,
“Even after graduation, I might not choose you. You have to be mentally prepared for that.”
Siyuan’s whole body stiffened slightly, but he still nodded.
“No matter what happens in the future, we’ll be good friends and good bros for life.”
Good bros…
Siyuan looked at her, his eyes reddening.
It was a heartbreaking promise, but he was originally only admitted to this elite school through connections with a score of 400.
To have a beautiful girl—who was also the class monitor and the class favorite—promise him a lifetime, what more could he ask for?
“Okay,” his voice was a bit hoarse.
“Good friends and good bros for life.”
Their pinkies stayed linked, thumbs pressed together firmly.
“Let’s go,” Zheng Yang stood up and patted her skirt.
“Time to go back for afternoon rest. Listen carefully in class this afternoon, do your homework well tonight, and let me copy it before class tomorrow.”
“…You still want to copy? We’ve already cleared things up.”
“The class monitor checking your homework for you, isn’t that allowed?”
Zheng Yang deliberately acted silly.
Siyuan smiled helplessly.
On the way back to the classroom, Zheng Yang kept having an urge to hug Siyuan, to tell him:
‘Son, Dad is here.’
But she couldn’t.
She had just found that “balance”—neither distant nor too close—though she wasn’t sure how long it would last.