The eyes were dry. The small nose was also not red. Only the hand clenching me was slightly trembling.
“To be honest… in this chaotic relationship, Zhi Nian, you are the bravest one, while I am the one who likes escaping reality the most.”
I murmured.
The volume a bit lower than usual. The tone also rarely became hesitant, as if speaking of a matter that had been pressed for a long time and unwilling to reveal.
“I need to formally apologize to you. Sorry. If possible… in the future I will no longer always let you be the active side.”
Zhi Nian’s eyelashes trembled once. I clearly saw the reflection of ‘me’ in her eyes.
“Also, thank you for being willing to tell me these.”
I lightly covered the hand clenching my collar with my hand. The fingertips were slightly cool, touching soft as if made of water.
“You saying you think of yourself as a blood-sucking insect—I feel it’s not appropriate.”
I paused for a moment.
“To me, you are the brightest splash of color in life.”
The cat tail resting on my wrist suddenly forcefully contracted.
“You don’t need to be so inferior. You have never been unworthy of me. It is I who need you.”
“I have to admit, after leaving you, I only feel life has become much dimmer.”
I took a deep breath.
“It is I who have always not dared to take one step forward.”
The room was quiet for a long time.
The curtains were blown up by the wind, then fell again.
Zhi Nian looked at me. The eyes like rubies raised layers upon layers of ripples, as if several cracks had split open on the ice surface, then the warm sun of winter shone in.
“You this person… truly are…”
She did not finish.
Because she suddenly leaned over.
The action was very fast. Before I had time to react, an unusual touch came from the lips.
Soft.
Cool.
Slightly trembling.
Thin lips tightly pressed against.
The breath in front of the nose was firmly occupied by the young girl’s body fragrance.
She just pressed up like that, without any transition, without any omen.
Like a cat suddenly jumping onto the table, knocking over the water cup, then righteously raising the cat head and squatting behind the broken glass looking at you.
I froze, not knowing what response to make.
From childhood to now all the education I had learned told me not to let others’ kindness and initiative hang high, to properly catch them. Yet the complexity of the situation before my eyes exceeded the range of my understanding. I had not anticipated this kind of situation, therefore had not thought of countermeasures at all.
Zhi Nian slightly retreated a bit. Her nose tip pressed against my nose tip. Breathing hit my face, hot.
“Gu Fan.”
Her voice was trembling. As if gambling a breath, as if making a decision that had been made for a long time, hesitated for a long time, finally going all out.
“If you don’t like me, you leave right now, immediately leave. Out of this door, we will treat it as never having known each other.”
“But if you like me…”
“Then give me some reaction! Bad-hearted Gu Fan… always bullying me. I am a catgirl, not a fish raised in the pond of your backyard. If you hang me with a fishhook for too long, I will truly explode my fur and bite you, okay.”
“Do you know what I am thinking every moment? I want to hug you, want to kiss you, want to smell the scent on your clothes, thinking when I can break through the boundary of childhood sweethearts with you.”
As Zhi Nian spoke, the voice grew more and more choked, yet no tears could be seen sliding from the corners of the eyes.
She only stubbornly stared at me, biting her teeth and word by word spilling out these words.
I lightly sighed, extended a hand and gathered her a bit into my arms, chin resting on the top of her head.
“Zhi Nian.”
“Mm.”
“I like you. Starting from a very long time ago.”
The little catgirl in my arms stiffened once.
“Not deliberately hanging you. It is I… I myself also had not thought clearly. I also do not understand exactly what kind of responsibility falling in love should carry, therefore could not determine what kind of attitude to face you with, afraid of accidentally hurting you.”
“…Heh, so you did nothing?”
“…Mm. Sorry.”
“Do you know that you doing nothing is the most hurtful?”
“…Now I know.”
Zhi Nian raised her head, tearfully looking at me. The wings of the nose were red. The mouth slightly parted, as if wanting to cry, and also as if holding back a laugh. In the end unable to hold either, becoming a messy expression on the face.
“Then what are you still waiting for?”
She said this and leaned over again.
This time it was not the dragonfly-skimming-water kind.
It was truly, solidly, carrying a kind of “I don’t care anymore” resolute kind of kiss.
Zhi Nian’s body was hot like a stove. Through the thin dress, I could feel her heartbeat. Very fast.
Like a little bird trapped in a cage, desperately flapping its wings to break open the prison.
Her lips were also very soft.
Soft like…
I also could not clearly say like what, as if a ball of cotton candy melting open in the heart, making one linger and forget to return.
Zhi Nian’s hands began to become restless.
While kissing me, she extended a hand to pull at the buttons of my shirt.
The first one was forcefully pulled open, the second one also. Her fingers were very trembling, the actions very impatient, as if afraid I would disappear in the next second.
Then she began trying to take off her own clothes.
The already loose and baggy dress collar was pulled until producing a ka cha sound of fabric tearing. The horizontal snowy abyss was vaguely visible.
“Zhi Nian.”
I who had been somewhat intoxicated suddenly woke up, pressing Zhi Nian’s shoulders and slightly pulling open some distance.
“Don’t speak.”
Perhaps from kissing too long and just recovering, Zhi Nian panted for a moment.
“Don’t speak.”
I gripped her wrists, stopping her next restless actions.
Her hands were very small. I only used one hand to restrain both wrists.
Zhi Nian forcefully struggled once, unable to break free.
So she raised her head looking at me. The lips were red. The eye sockets were also red. The already peculiar blood pupils at this moment appeared even more ethereal and enchanting. The entire person’s temperament looked like a flower that had been beaten by rain, about to fall apart yet still forcefully blooming.
“You wait a moment.”
“Don’t wait.”
“Zhi Nian.”
“I have waited too long.”
The voice was very low, yet revealing a kind of firmness that allowed no discussion.
“I don’t want to continue waiting.”
I looked at her, looking for a few seconds.
She also looked at me, the gaze stubborn like a wild cat that no matter how tamed would not submit.
Then I pressed her back onto the bed.
Not the rough kind.
Pressing the shoulders and lightly pressing her back, letting her lean against the pillow, then sitting up myself, separating a small distance between our bodies.
Zhi Nian’s expression changed from confusion to grievance, then from grievance to vigilance, like a clingy little cat that had been suddenly pushed away, not knowing what she had done wrong.
“Gu Fan, what do you mean?”
I extended a hand and cupped her face.
Zhi Nian’s face was also very small. Two hands could completely wrap it.
The touch was soft. I lightly pinched once. Her mouth pouted up, like a white, soft snow-skin mooncake dumpling carrying a bit of blush.
“Zhi Nian.”
“Um…!”
“I said it. I like you.”
Her eyes lit up once.
“But precisely because I like you, I cannot—”
I stopped once, thinking of how to say it.
“I cannot take advantage of when your emotions are unstable to do that kind of thing.”
“I am not unstable.”
“You are.”
“You were still crying just now.”
“I was not.”
Zhi Nian’s mouth pouted up again, a bit higher than just now.
“That is two different things.”
“It is one thing.”
“Gu Fan…”
“Wait until you wake up tomorrow. If you still want—”
“I want it right now.”
“Zhi Nian.”
I looked at her and seriously said, “I have already decided to take responsibility for you. Then even more I cannot allow boundary-crossing behavior to exist.”
She stared at me for quite a few seconds, as if judging whether I was serious. Then her mouth deflated.
Not angry. That kind of—knowing the other party has a point, yet simply unwilling to accept.
“Then is kissing okay?”
“Okay.”
“Hugging?”
“Okay.”
“Love?”
“Not yet the time.”
“Why are you so old-fashioned.”
“Not old-fashioned. It is—”
“What is it?”
I looked at her eyes. In those red eyes was reflected my face.
Very small, very fuzzy, but indeed truly existing.
“It is that I don’t want you to feel later when recalling that it was too early.”
Zhi Nian was silent for a while.
Then she said very softly.
“You this person, truly are…”
She did not finish.
But she leaned over, burying her face into the crook of my neck. The tip of the nose pressed against my collarbone, lightly rubbing once.
“Then kiss once more.”
“Okay.”
Her lips pressed up again.
This time not urgent not impatient, slowly, softly, like a cat stretching lazily under the sun, then tucking the head back again.
Soft and fluffy.
Like a traveler lost in the desert finally finding an oasis that could let oneself live in peace. Happy.
When we came out of the bedroom, the living room light was on. That short-haired older sister from earlier was not there.
On the coffee table an extra opaque plastic bag had appeared.
White, printed with the logo of a certain pharmacy. The bag was not tied tightly. The things inside were half exposed.
A box of condoms, and a box of emergency contraceptive pills.
Beside the bag pressed a note, written with a ballpoint pen, the handwriting scrawled as if in a hurry:
“The things on the table you two handle as you see fit. Best if unused. If used don’t create a life—Big Sis. I’m leaving first, rushing to watch my boyfriend’s basketball match.”
Zhi Nian stood beside me, lowering her head looking at those two things. The face was so red it seemed about to burn. The cat tail pu pu whipping the floor.
“When did she buy them?”
“Don’t know.”
“Did she already guess long ago?”
“Umm, maybe?”
“Ha… also preparing for the worst, right.”
Zhi Nian crumpled the note into a ball and tossed it into the trash can. Then she hesitated once, bent over and also picked up that plastic bag, stuffing it into the drawer beside the shoe cabinet.
The action was very light, as if treating some object that would sooner or later be used in the future.
She did not throw it away.
I pretended not to see.
“Let’s go.” Zhi Nian said.
“Where to?”
“Send me home.”
“This is your home.”
“Then send me to the place you should send me.”
The voice was still a bit hoarse, but much better than before.
She raised her face looking at me. The eye sockets a bit swollen, the cheeks slightly red, the hair simply tidied and no longer messy.
Locking eyes for a few seconds, I extended a hand and took hold of hers.
Zhi Nian’s hand was still cool.
But much warmer than before.