Chapter 58: Having Me Is Enough

Walking behind Shiratori, my gaze stayed cool and distant as I stared at her back.

She really did dress well…

Being able to wear something so stylish in this freezing winter—her determination was impressive.

I had come straight to the shopping center after getting off the bike, still wearing my plain, uninspiring school uniform.

Meanwhile, Shiratori had changed into a fashionable dress paired with thin white stockings.

For someone as inattentive as me, showing up on time was the priority.

Shiratori, on the other hand, paid attention to details like how she looked.

I had to admit… when it came to being a ‘proper girl’, Shiratori had way more charm than I did.

After secretly stewing in a bit of jealousy, we arrived in front of the same toy store we’d visited the other day.

It seemed this was the only place in the mall that sold cameras—not expensive ones, mostly meant for fun.

Standing in front of the store again, everything looked the same… but my mood was completely different from last time.

“Zhi Nian? Come on in and help me pick one for Gu Fan.”

Shiratori was already browsing through the cameras.

I lowered my eyes and walked over slowly.

This shopping center didn’t carry high-end photography gear—or maybe ordinary people didn’t need anything that professional.

The cameras displayed in front of Shiratori were already the best you could get here.

I glanced at the prices.

These cameras, which looked way more polished and professional, were clearly more expensive than the mini one I’d gifted Gu Fan a few days ago.

“By the way, what’s Gu Fan’s lucky color? Blue? Or green?”

Lucky color?

I’d never heard of something like that before…

I had to break down her words literally to figure out what she meant.

Since Shiratori was mostly talking to herself, and I had no idea what color Gu Fan liked—much less which one would make him ‘luckier’—I didn’t respond.

In the end, Shiratori chose a blue camera, but it was way more aesthetically refined than the one I gave him.

Not only did the colors match… the looks of hers completely outclassed mine.

Ugh.

Annoying.

I’m not someone with much confidence—but even so, I wanted to believe Gu Fan would end up preferring the camera I gave him.

Trailing quietly behind Shiratori, we’d already finished picking out his birthday gift and were now scouring the food spots nearby.

I was planning to use a good meal to drive away the restlessness that had been clinging to me all day.

As for the mango milk tea Shiratori had bought earlier, I returned it to her, saying I didn’t really like it.

Same went for everything we bought at the food stalls—each paid for their own.

I didn’t want to owe Shiratori any favors.

We chatted a little, and through our conversation, I got to see a different side of Gu Fan—the version he showed to others—and learned more than a few things that left me feeling uneasy.

By the time the sky had completely darkened, we finally said our goodbyes.

* * * * *

Passing by a deli, I grabbed a bento box to go and walked home with a heavy heart, thinking over the events of the day.

Honestly… I kind of regretted telling Shiratori that Gu Fan was into photography.

I could’ve just said something vague and harmless to brush her and the others off.

What was I thinking at the time?

I guess I was worried he wouldn’t like the random gifts people might get him.

But looking back now… does it really matter what Gu Fan likes?

A gift is supposed to be a personal expression, isn’t it?

If everyone just caters to his interests, how is that any different from an adult trying to placate a spoiled child?

Besides…

I had my own selfish reasons too.

I wanted to keep Gu Fan’s preferences to myself—not share them with others.

If he actually ends up disappointed by their gifts… wouldn’t that be perfect for me?

Isn’t that what I want?

For anyone unrelated to him to stay far, far away?

It was like a spark of clarity flashing through my mind, and my heart thudded with sudden understanding—filling me with a strange surge of energy.

Could it be…

I’ve figured it out?

That this is the answer I’ve been searching for?

But just as quickly, my rational mind shut that thought down.

…No, no.

I can’t think that way.

That would make me a total lunatic—it’d scare Gu Fan.

But if I have to consciously tell myself not to do it… doesn’t that mean, deep down, I already think it’s what I want?

That the only reason I’m holding back is because I know Gu Fan wouldn’t agree with it?

Because… in truth, it wouldn’t feel wrong to me at all.

Mmmnngh… This is bad. Really bad. My head feels like it’s about to explode.

Why can’t I figure this out? What is the right thing to do?

My thoughts suddenly plunged into a bottomless black pit, spiraling downward without restraint.

It was like my brain had twisted itself into a mess of tangled threads, barely holding together the thin, paper-fragile remnants of rationality I had left.

Now that I think about it…

When I was talking to Shiratori earlier, didn’t she mention something about a gathering on Saturday?

Why did Gu Fan invite them—but not me?

Aren’t we supposed to be closest?

I’m his childhood friend. We grew up together.

I’m the one he trusts, the one he calls his friend, right?

So why ask someone like Shiratori, whose relationship with him is just so-so…but not say a single word to me?

The moment that thought surfaced, everything else spiraled with it.

Like a puppet yanked by its strings, my emotions started dancing to the tune of paranoia.

What if Gu Fan just sees me as an amusing little toy?

Something to tease whenever he feels like it, then toss aside when he’s had his fill—returning to his real social circle, where I don’t belong?

After talking with Shiratori, I started realizing just how popular Gu Fan actually is.

The perfect image he shows others—that side of him, I never really knew.

And apparently, some of those people don’t like how often he’s alone with me.

They just don’t dare say it to his face.

Shiratori didn’t try to hide any of this.

She was blunt—so blunt it was almost painful.

But not thoughtless.

Every word was carefully chosen, letting me draw my own conclusions.

Before I knew it, I was back home.

Staring blankly at the front door, I opened it and trudged inside, then collapsed face-first onto my bed with a heavy thud.

So damn annoying…

Why can’t all those people just disappear?

“Friends”?

One is more than enough.

Gu Fan, you’re not allowed to be greedy.

You already have me.