“Wuaaah, Gu Fan is such a good person…”
I tugged at my own cat ears, letting out pitiful whines as I rolled back and forth across the bed. The once neat and white sheets were now a wrinkled mess, rising and falling like little hills.
I had briefly explained to Gu Fan about the quarrel with my mother, and told him I couldn’t go out today.
When I sent that first message, I had already braced myself for him to respond with a helpless, resigned tone.
But to my surprise, Gu Fan directly called me for a video chat…
The moment his trademark smile appeared on the screen, it felt like something soft and furry had brushed against my heart.
It grew weak and tender, and the corners of my lips curled upward uncontrollably.
Even though I had known Gu Fan for such a long time, this was actually our very first video call.
The only reason it happened was because, when I was messaging him, I had casually mentioned, “It’s such a shame you can’t properly admire the outfit I specially picked out today.”
Thinking about it now, if I had grown up using smartphones and learned how to use all their features earlier, I could have started video calling with Gu Fan a long time ago.
So many wasted chances—how frustrating!
In the past, when I only contacted Gu Fan through calls or messages, I would always feel a faint sense of dissatisfaction.
Because so many of the words he said felt like they would carry more meaning face-to-face, when I could carefully savor each tiny change in his expression.
Having them filtered through a phone felt like such a waste.
I once thought I was the type with strong endurance, able to suppress my emotions and desires.
But ever since becoming friends with Gu Fan again, it was as if the disasters sealed inside Pandora’s box had been released one after another…
Once it was let out, I began to… change into someone unlike myself. The times I acted on impulse and mentally collapsed grew more and more frequent, and every interaction with Gu Fan only intensified this condition.
Perhaps there’s no going back anymore… To think I could live with the same indifference and detachment I had in middle school—it’s almost impossible now.
Gu Fan’s warmth, like a gentle spring breeze, has seeped into the darkest parts of my heart, leaving behind an indelible mark.
That’s the positive way to describe it. Looked at from another angle, I might be more like a slave—being fed addictive “medicine” by my master through all sorts of gentle methods.
If I ever wanted to leave, I’d have to endure the unbearable withdrawal symptoms that make one want to tear their own heart apart.
Can I really make it through?
I imagined a future one day when Gu Fan and I truly had a falling out—me, collapsed in the corner of my room, crying like a pitiful stray dog… The thought sent a shiver all over my body.
No, no, that must never happen.
I shuddered violently a few times, shaking my head as if to reinforce my determination through the motion.
Yet the scene lingering in my mind still refused to disperse.
Humans really are creatures bound by inertia… It’s not as though one can suddenly decide to be cheerful, to forget unpleasant things, and then replace or delete those feelings as easily as software on an electronic device.
Turning over, I lay on my stomach on the pillow. My chest pressed softly against the bed, keeping me from fully sinking into it, but even so, I managed to suppress the restless emotions stirring inside me.
“Mm… What should I do next…?”
Even though I had explained things clearly to Gu Fan and he didn’t seem particularly bothered, a plan that had been carefully arranged still ended up disrupted.
No matter how calm and restrained a person may be, they’ll still feel emotional waves from something like this.
Yes, Gu Fan must feel the same way too.
Besides, this trip to the flower market was really important for the progress of my relationship with Gu Fan.
It was like building blocks— the basic shape was already complete, and all that was left were the finishing touches.
But suddenly, without any warning, someone came and destroyed everything I had painstakingly put together piece by piece…
Unforgivable—this must be the first reaction of anyone in such a situation.
I can’t bring Gu Fan home, I lost the chance to experience the flower market with him, and when the same season comes again next year…who knows, maybe we’ll have already gone our separate ways.
Behind me, my tail weakly tapped against my back. With my eyelids drooping, I wanted to sigh, but the pressure on my chest made it hard to breathe.
The mood I had barely managed to adjust once again collapsed into gloom…
When it comes to tearing myself down, I really am quite talented.
Days of frustration piled up like heavy clouds, trapping my consciousness inside them. In order to break free from those clouds, I could only seek strong stimulation.
“Mmh… this is only the second time I’ve done this, so I’m still not quite used to it…”
Turning my body over, I muttered softly. At the same time, my cheeks grew hotter and hotter, a little embarrassing.
Having experienced it once before, this time I learned my lesson: I first went to the bathroom and got a towel to lay on the sheets.
This is just to vent my frustration, it doesn’t mean I’m a lewd girl or anything— Comforting myself with that thought, I quietly loosened the tight clothes on my body and lay back down on the bed…
Can’t go out…?
Then I guess I’ll have to go visit in person.
At the edge of the square, temporary stalls were everywhere, with countless flower vendors.
It seemed like they all wanted to make a good profit during the New Year.
I held my phone.
On the still-lit screen was my chat with Zhi Nian.
In the plan I made last night, I never expected a situation where Zhi Nian couldn’t even leave her own house.
Caught off guard, I realized that the relationship between Zhi Nian and her mother might already be extremely tense.
If I can’t think of a way to break this stalemate…
“Tch.”
My teeth ached a little as I straightened my back, my feelings complicated.
If you asked me whether I found it troublesome… not exactly.
The me from before would have definitely just smiled, found an excuse to refuse, and left them to deal with their own family problems.
But what complicated my feelings now was the fact that I actually wanted to interfere.
I wanted to help Zhi Nian resolve her family conflict.
The other day when she invited me over to her home, my original intention was simply to use that as an excuse to quietly figure out what her family situation was really like.
But if I actually went to Zhi Nian’s home today…then this would no longer be a simple matter. Wouldn’t that mean I was truly crossing a line?
Leaning against my motorcycle, I looked at the bustling crowd.
Today was the weekend, and many families were out together buying flowers.
I saw a lively child being led along by his parents, laughing as he looked at all the flowers. The parents followed behind him with gentle, contented smiles.
Seeing that stirred something inside me. The scene touched my heart and brought up many emotions…
I also quietly made a decision in my heart.
Go buy a potted flower — just take it as a meeting gift when visiting Zhinian’s home.
After making that decision, my steps toward the stalls became much more determined.
I still don’t quite understand what kind of feelings I truly have toward Zhinian, because when it comes to emotions I’ve always been far too slow and dull.
That’s why, when interacting with others, I tend to adopt an ambiguous attitude.
People say I’m good at keeping the right distance — but in truth, it’s only because I can’t recognize what the right distance is.
So I use this method to protect both myself and others.
And now, when I try to get along with Zhinian, I’m attempting to abandon this way of keeping distance.
Is it because I want to get closer to her?
Or is it because Zhinian’s desire to become more intimate with me has successfully broken down my defenses?
I don’t know.
That’s why I want to figure out the answer.
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