The winter night streets were nearly empty, with streetlights casting a bleak white glow, sparsely dotting the roadside.
I tightened the buttons on my coat, exhaling a puff of cold air, my nose already turning red from the chill. Each breath stung my nasal passages with the dry, biting air.
Even after all these years, I still couldn’t get used to this city’s winters.
The temperature wasn’t anywhere near subzero, but the piercing wind cutting through my body made it feel brutally cold.
During the coldest parts of winter, I didn’t even want to leave my blanket.
Even though Gu Fan thoughtfully sealed the doors and windows tightly, I still felt every bit of air in the house was unnaturally cold.
Gu Fan had placed cozy blankets and pillows around the house, but even wrapped in them, staring at the empty rooms or living room, the chill in my heart outweighed the cold in my body.
That’s why I prefer spring or summer. In spring, the weather is warm, and I’d curl up in a corner of the balcony, the soft breeze brushing past my ears, so comfortable it made me want to nap.
Waiting for Gu Fan to come home was always a long ordeal. After we got married, I somehow lost the ability to sleep whenever I wanted.
Staring at the ceiling for too long eventually bred resentment—I didn’t want to keep living like this.
So, I stopped sleeping in the big white bed in the bedroom and started hiding on the balcony, tucking myself into a small patch of shadow, as if my existence dissolved into the air.
One time, I overslept, forgot to prepare lunch, and wasn’t at the door to greet him…
Gu Fan couldn’t find me and started frantically searching the house. Then he found me curled up like a cat-ball on the balcony.
After that incident, Gu Fan set up a small sunshade umbrella on that spot of the balcony. But sleeping under it felt strange—it no longer had the same comforting vibe as before…
To be precise, sleeping there felt no different from sleeping in the bedroom.
As for summer… there’s no special reason I like it, just that the heat makes me feel more energetic.
Every time Gu Fan came home from work, I’d greet him wearing spicy lingerie. The weather was already hot enough, and seeing me dressed like that, no matter how strong his willpower, he’d swallow hard, pull me into his arms, and we’d start our intimate time…
If work took up most of Gu Fan’s time, then intimacy took up most of mine. Only when kissing and embracing Gu Fan did I truly feel alive.
Are people really so fickle? I don’t know…
What I do know is that I’m no longer like I was in high school, purely daydreaming about living with Gu Fan and doing all sorts of things we loved.
Back then, I could lie in bed imagining for hours without getting bored. Now, I don’t even have the heart to fantasize.
Why is that?
Reflecting carefully on every moment of our marriage, I realized that my interactions with Gu Fan had become too monotonous.
Gu Fan is consumed by work, spending most of his day at the company. He started building his network in college, so right after graduation, he landed a job at a big company, climbing the ranks at a terrifyingly fast pace.
Compared to Gu Fan, who shines like a star, I’m like insignificant dust. Whenever people mention him, they quietly overlook me, the useless girlfriend who’s caused him trouble time and again.
As his girlfriend, attending the same university and major, I naturally faced malicious competition from other girls countless times.
In terms of ability, experience, or family background, I couldn’t beat them in any way.
In the crowded university, my cat-girl identity, my large chest, and my somewhat charming face—things I took pride in—were outshone by at least a dozen other girls who were far more suitable as girlfriends.
At the very least, they knew etiquette and how to carry themselves. In formal settings, they wouldn’t clumsily mess things up like I did, forcing Gu Fan to spend entire gatherings apologizing on my behalf.
After graduation, I couldn’t even last a month at a job before quitting, and Gu Fan took me home to “take care” of me.
Good for nothing but causing trouble—women as useless as me are rare these days…
Back in high school, working at the cat café was, in a way, the peak of my life. How could I expect to always find good jobs and good bosses?
Gu Fan has put up with me for years, even married me and considered having kids together. With such blessings, I should be content.
That said… I’m still incredibly unwilling to accept this…
Sure enough, greed is humanity’s worst trait.
Blinking my dry eyes, I pulled a mirror from my pocket and examined myself.
“Ugh… I look awful…”
My lips were frighteningly pale, as were my cheeks. When I touched my face, it was startlingly hot. My forehead, too, felt slightly feverish.
Am I running a fever?
My mind has been foggy ever since I saw Gu Fan throw out the food I made. My subconscious must have kicked into some kind of defense mode, shielding me.
I pursed my cracked lips, realizing how foolish it was to rush out of the house to find Gu Fan.
The version of me Gu Fan usually sees is the cat-girl wife waiting in a warm home, untouched by the outside world’s harsh winds and rain, always ready to please him with the most alluring outfits and poses.
Not this pathetic woman now—pregnant, pale-faced, wrapped in thick layers of clothing that hide any trace of her figure, no matter how good it might be.
I don’t know how to do makeup, and I can’t seem to learn. If only I could be like those beautiful girls online who, even with a bare face, can transform themselves with makeup skills, looking stunning and making their husbands happy. How wonderful would that be?
Even if my face is still youthful and my figure is curvy and full, I’m pregnant now. Who knows if I’ll be able to maintain this body afterward?
Besides, I’ll grow old someday. There will always be younger women out there. Is a man as exceptional as Gu Fan really worth spending his time on someone like me?
I don’t understand…
In a daze, I noticed a young man walking by, holding a leash with a dog trotting alongside. I stopped and quietly watched them.
Heh, that dog seems pretty happy.
It gets to live happily under its owner’s care for a decade or two, and even when it gets old, it doesn’t look too bad. Most importantly, it doesn’t have to live too long.
…
Come to think of it, Gu Fan did once suggest getting a pet to keep me company while I stayed at home as a housewife. But I refused.
After all, one pet in the house is enough. I didn’t want another living thing competing for his affection.