Miuu la ka du da miao miao um.
The thoughts that surfaced in my mind were nothing but meaningless syllables like these.
My entire body was stiff as a board—too tense. I felt as if my eyes had turned into spiraling mosquito coils, and when I looked at the boy curled up in my arms, my vision twisted and swayed, like an unstable camera lens on the verge of collapsing at any moment.
Gu Fan… he actually… actually wanted me to be his lap pillow.
Hmm, it’s not that I dislike being Gu Fan’s lap pillow—it’s just so unexpected. I’m not cute at all, maybe my figure is only slightly more outstanding than other girls my age… right?
I lowered my head again, wanting to carefully examine the boy’s sleeping face, but those two annoying cotton balls blocked most of my view. I could only barely see Gu Fan’s right eyelashes fluttering like butterflies.
Damn it, if only I could control the size of those cotton balls with my mind. Gu Fan had taken the initiative to ask me to be his lap pillow to rest, yet I couldn’t even take the chance to admire how peacefully my beloved lay on my lap.
I raised my hand forcefully, intending to push the cotton balls away, but the down jacket I was wearing was far too thick. No matter how I pushed, it was useless.
Afraid of making too much noise and waking Gu Fan from his sleep, I had no choice but to give up for now. I decided to buy some looser underwear online once we got home—today I’d rushed out in an old, small-sized piece, and it felt like those cotton balls were being squeezed smaller and smaller.
In my heart, I made up my mind: if Gu Fan woke up early enough later, I’d use the excuse of “it’s been so long since we went shopping” to drag him out—though actually, I planned to go somewhere deserted in the suburbs. I didn’t want to go somewhere crowded; this was our precious time alone together.
Before heading out, I’d first sneak into the restroom to pull off those annoying things and stuff them into my backpack.
If I kept my steps slow and lady-like, there wouldn’t be much shaking. Besides, I was wearing this thick down jacket—no matter how much we ran around in the fields of the countryside, it should be fine, right? Though it might hurt a little if I fell.
But if it was just Gu Fan and me nearby, what did it matter how much I swayed?
Maybe Gu Fan would accidentally notice and have his heart “thump thump” with feelings?
Hehe, after all, Gu Fan was a young boy; his blood and passion couldn’t be suppressed. Just being close to him made me feel a heat like a furnace.
Thinking this happily, I hovered my hand over Gu Fan’s head, confirming he hadn’t woken up from my movements, then gently began to stroke the boy’s soft, short black hair.
Hmm umm, Gu Fan looked like he was sleeping soundly—he didn’t react even when I touched his head like this.
Does that mean I can… be a little more aggressive?
My mischievous nature immediately pushed a series of images, definitely not suitable for children, urging me to act on them right away.
I licked my lips, my breathing unconsciously growing rapid.
My fingers quietly moved down to Gu Fan’s abdomen and stayed there for a long while. In the end, I gave up the thought of going further and obediently returned to gently stroking Gu Fan’s little head to soothe my unsatisfied heart.
It’s okay. That day will come eventually. I’ve already prepared myself mentally.
Having been childhood friends for so many years, no matter whether Gu Fan accepted my confession or not, I would find a way to ‘win’ him over—at least I wouldn’t let another woman take his first time.
I softly covered the boy’s forehead in my arms with my palm and murmured quietly,
“Childhood friend… you must never fall for someone else. You can only look at me, love me. No one else is allowed to take your place.”
I’d never said such words out loud before—at most, just thought them in my heart.
But right now, I could clearly feel the fine strands of hair poking into my crossed legs. It was hard to say if it was painful or comfortable, more like a spontaneous happiness bubbling from deep inside.
Little by little, my body was filling with Gu Fan’s energy, like a bee tirelessly carrying nectar into the hive, gradually restoring me from a shattered, broken state into a complete shape.
Only then did I realize that perhaps I truly couldn’t be without Gu Fan anymore. Having experienced being genuinely cared for and treasured, I was inevitably addicted.
Even if Gu Fan treated everyone with such gentle warmth, I couldn’t bear to use that as an excuse to leave him.
To borrow a popular phrase online… my heart has probably taken the shape of Gu Fan’s. Once I leave him, my own wholeness would visibly collapse at a rapid pace.
I know such complete dependence on someone else is unhealthy—even “abnormal,” to put it bluntly.
The cat ears and tail on my head told me clearly that I was fundamentally different from ordinary human girls—an anomaly.
“Love-struck brain… philosophy… independent thought… all those confusing terms, I just don’t get them, and I don’t want to bother.”
I recalled searching online for other people’s views and advice when I once questioned my own existence, but after reading through all the complicated terms, I felt none of it applied to me.
More precisely… I instinctively rejected those theories. I only wanted to stick to Gu Fan, cuddling with him for days on end without getting tired. I even wished I could turn into a koala and hang on him forever.
I don’t know how people with profound knowledge and philosophy would harshly criticize my behavior in incomprehensible language.
Right now, I only care about this moment—Gu Fan sleeping soundly on my lap, entrusting his entire self to my care. I should cherish this naturally and never let my guard down for a second.
I shook my head, tossing aside all the chaotic thoughts, then adjusted my duck-sitting legs slightly to ease the numbness.
Luckily, I’m a catgirl. I don’t need intense exercise to maintain perfectly toned leg muscles.
If my legs were too thick, Gu Fan would definitely dislike it, right? But if they were skinny to the point of just bones, that wouldn’t be good either—there’d be no softness, and Gu Fan’s head would just be jabbed painfully.
This way was just right. Gu Fan was sleeping so soundly—either my lap pillow was super comfortable, or being with me relaxed him immensely.
Either way, it lifted my spirits.
After all, one meant Gu Fan approved of my figure, and the other meant he considered me an excellent partner candidate.
If he could relax enough to drop his guard and fall asleep like this, our relationship couldn’t be that bad at all.