If shame were a tangible parasite, then right now my body would be stuffed full of them.
Maybe they’d even wriggle out from the cracks, and as soon as they touched the open air, they’d transform into wisps of steam, floating atop my skin, letting anyone who saw it have a good laugh.
My consciousness was growing hazy as I watched Big Sis pat her flat chest, then raise her eyebrow at me, teaching me some strange, yet strangely reasonable, techniques.
Even now, as I’m already on the way home, flashes of Big Sis telling me to pretend she’s ‘Gu Fan’ for rehearsal still pop into my mind from time to time.
And then… it was grabbing her hand and guiding it toward my own cotton balls… mmh.
So embarrassing… but this really could effectively show Gu Fan how superior my figure is, maybe even stir up the ‘youth’ he’s been suppressing deep inside?
As always, I sat in the seat directly behind my mother, head turned toward the window, pretending to admire the forests along the highway, all to hide my cheeks that were so red they might start steaming.
After finishing the rehearsal with Big Sis at the dessert shop, we walked two laps around the stadium, and then she dropped me off at the pavilion in front of my old neighborhood alley.
The two bodyguards in sunglasses who used to guard both ends of the alley had vanished without a trace, and the nosy relatives had scattered like birds and beasts long ago.
My mother wasn’t drinking tea in front of the pavilion. Instead, she was holding a pale gold bank card between her fingers.
She glanced at me as I hurried back and pushed the card toward me.
“Lin Chengxiao left this card with me on purpose, told me to make sure you keep it, Shen Zhinen. Do you still need it? There should be at least a hundred thousand or more in here, it’s up to you what you do with it.”
“……No need, Mom, you can use it. Or save it for Grandma.”
I did want to just take the money—after all, I’m only human.
If my body and mind hadn’t been completely remade by Gu Fan into his own image, I might not have been able to resist the huge temptation my father threw out.
Who wouldn’t take such clean money? Am I any better than a big idiot? I need to earn my own living through hard work, just to barely support myself.
What’s more, if I ever marry Gu Fan in the future, there’ll be wedding and dress expenses, daily costs of being together and dating, and then the long-term spending for pregnancy and raising a child for months on end…
Ugh, every time I think about it, I can’t help but get anxious, feeling like the money I’ve saved so far isn’t nearly enough.
But I still don’t want to have any connection to that scumbag father. So, after careful thought, I decided to leave the choice to my mother.
This money wasn’t really mine in the first place. My mom had already spent it in advance raising me and sending me to school.
Seeing I didn’t take the gold card, Mom didn’t put it back in her bag. Instead, she pushed it toward Grandma, who was quietly sipping tea on the other side.
“The password is Zhinen’s birthday, Mom. Keep it safe and spend it however you want.”
With that, my mother stood up and led me toward the parking lot, not giving Grandma any chance to stop her.
While my thoughts were wandering, I suddenly felt my phone vibrating a few times inside my skirt pocket, followed by the chime of the wind bell ringtone I’d set specially.
Pulled back by the wind bell, I quickly regained my senses, hurriedly took out my phone, swiped the screen, and opened the contact interface.
Gu Fan: “Do you mean the celebration next Friday? I heard some friends talk about it—supposedly it lasts for three days until the weekend ends. Friday night is too crowded, so let’s just go on Sunday, okay? I’ve got something to deal with on Saturday.”
Gu Fan: “Patting cat head.gif”
My heart started pounding like crazy. I thought Gu Fan would hate crowded places and had already prepared a backup plan, but he didn’t refuse at all and accepted it so calmly…
My fingers gripped the phone tighter, a thin layer of sweat forming in my palm.
Nervously biting my lip, I typed a bunch of rambling complaints, but ended up deleting them all right before sending.
There’s no need to share these trivial worries of mine. Gu Fan isn’t my emotional trash can. If I kept unloading my negative feelings, even someone as patient and good-tempered as Gu Fan would find me annoying, right?
Although Big Sis had secretly taught me some weird methods in the dessert shop to cheer Gu Fan up when he’s gloomy or upset…
But I still think those are too aggressive…
Using the rearview mirror at the center of the car, I quietly swept my hair behind my ear, tied it up into a ponytail with my hair tie, then stuck out my tongue covered in soft buds, but feeling embarrassed, quickly pulled it back in.
Mmm… for now, just offering my own cotton balls seems more fitting… Gu Fan probably wouldn’t mind, and he wouldn’t treat me too roughly, either.
Letting my thoughts run wild for a while, I shook my head to clear away those wayward ideas.
Since I had no idea how to reply to Gu Fan and was afraid I’d say or do something dumb, I figured it’d be better to just send an emoji.
I browsed through my collection of emojis and finally picked out a black-and-white cat-caterpillar pounce sticker and sent it.
Mmm, this should be just right. It expresses my joy without saying anything that could be misunderstood.
Even though I’m planning to use this anniversary celebration as a chance to tell Gu Fan my wish to spend a lifetime together, I still want to wait for the right moment. I don’t want Gu Fan to catch on too soon—it wouldn’t be a surprise then.
With that in mind, I suppressed the sweetness overflowing in my heart, put my phone down on my skirt, and felt the slightly hot screen warming my legs through my white stockings.
Hmm… it really feels just like that time after dinner with Gu Fan, when he lay down on my lap, exhausted, and peacefully enjoyed my lap pillow.
Thinking back on that warm memory, I let out a few giggles, not realizing I’d caught my mother’s attention.
I saw her glance at me sideways in the rearview mirror, but she didn’t say anything, only kept driving with a blank face.
Oh right… come to think of it, when the time comes to confess to Gu Fan for real and we officially become a couple, how should I explain it to Mom?
The sweetness in my heart was suddenly swallowed up by this real problem. My face fell, and I gloomily started pondering how I’d deal with any reaction my mother might have.
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