Chapter 37: “Why Are You Trying to Die?”

After Cecilia finished her explanation, Evan and Hawkins nodded. Their faces were quite serious.

“So you’re saying all I need to do is play along?”

When Evan asked, Cecilia nodded.

“Yes! But you have to be sincere—take it seriously. Understood!?”

“Right. I wonder if she’ll really fall for it.”

“Liana is not the suspicious type, so she’ll be easy to fool!”

“Oh?”

Evan looked surprised at Cecilia’s words.

That was because when he met Liana on the woodland path, she had eyed him quite suspiciously, even though he’d approached her kindly.

Now that he thought about it, even when she wore that loose, mask-like smile, her casual remarks were bizarre, and the way she looked at him and Hawkins—somehow… as if she was looking at something bad.

Yes, a suspicious gaze.

Cecilia didn’t notice Evan’s perplexed look and continued giving instructions.

“Then, Evan, please hide behind the curtain… Hawkins! Hawkins, would you mind waiting in the hallway for a bit and coming in when Evan starts talking to Liana?”

“Yes. Understood.”

Hawkins replied without hesitation.

“Evan, I’ll step out for a moment then. She’s been tossing and turning, so she’ll probably wake up soon.”

“All right.”

When Evan nodded, Hawkins gave a brief bow and left.

Just as Hawkins said, Liana groaned and tossed in her sleep. Frowning as if in the grip of a dream, her hand twitched.

Evan pictured her light green eyes, veiled behind long lashes.

If her best friend emphasized it this much, she must not be a suspicious person by nature. Did her personality change?

“Evan!”

“Ah.”

Lost in thought, Evan suddenly raised his head. Cecilia was looking up at him intently.

“You need to get behind the curtain! She’s going to wake up any minute now.”

“Ah, right, I will.”

Evan smiled, stepped back, and Cecilia met his gaze with a “Don’t mess up!” before closing the curtain.

Swish.

When the curtain closed completely, only Cecilia’s shadow flickered behind it. The atmosphere felt light, almost playful.

Evan’s smile faded from his face.

‘Is she always this cheerful, no matter the situation?’

Evan felt oddly unsettled. If it was true that Liana had tried to end her own life, this wasn’t something to smile about.

Thanks to Cecilia’s energetic mood, the whole thing felt more like a “let’s see how she feels” game that commoners might play with their close friends.

‘Is she just pretending to be okay?’

Cecilia, who had seemed on the verge of tears just before, now looked perfectly composed as she suggested ideas with a brave face. It gave him a strange feeling.

Well, they’re close friends, so maybe she’s pretending to be fine for Liana’s sake.

Evan sat at the edge of the bed, waiting for Liana to wake up.

Looking back, perhaps the reason he’d been so curious about Liana when they met on the woodland path wasn’t just that she ignored him, but also because she seemed anxious.

As the Duke’s daughter, she had no reason to avoid him, but also no need to try to be close.

She acted as if she was truly avoiding him… and seemed startled at times. Was it because she was taking some bad medicine that made her dizzy?

Evan touched his forehead.

He had thought her words didn’t fit her expressions and mannerisms and found it amusing, but had she really gone through something that made her run out like that?

Was there some problem within the ducal family?

Evan’s mind grew more tangled with various speculations.

“Liana! Liana, wake up!”

Cecilia’s voice rang out from behind the curtain.

Looks like she’s awake.

Evan steadied his breathing.

He couldn’t match Cecilia’s lively tone, but he’d have to try. He couldn’t let a young girl, not yet of age, be left to such despair.

*****

‘Hah!’

It felt like I’d been thrown out by some force!

My heart pounded wildly.

‘What was that just now? When I was little? Or just a dream?’

Maybe because of the strange shock at the end, everything I’d just seen slipped away.

It seemed important…

‘Hmm. But why is it so warm?’

A hot light seemed to tap gently against my eyelids. I slowly opened my eyes.

‘Fire?’

Flames were blazing.

‘Oh my! What is this! A dream within a dream?’

Everything was aflame.

The fierce flames blazed upward, reaching for the sky, swaying like a dance.

‘Ah, it’s ho… not hot?’

I felt as if I were cradled in a warm embrace. When I moved slowly, the fire parted for me.

‘Wow…’

Where the flames receded, there was a field of flowers. Strangely, not a single petal was burned.

‘What kind of dream is this?’

As I walked, I saw a hill in the distance. For some reason, it felt like I should go there.

Suppressing the ticklish feeling at my shoulders and toes, I walked slowly. Not far away, there was someone.

I couldn’t tell if it was a boy or a girl. As I approached, the flames suddenly flared up high.

‘W-what is this!?’

With the flames blocking my view, I could see nothing, and a sharp smell stung my nose.

‘Aah!’

The fire opened its maw and swallowed me. Thick smoke shot up like a pillar and the firestorm rushed forward like a beast.

The flames that passed through me seemed to be heading toward the person I’d seen earlier!

‘No!’

What if they get hurt!

I tried to run that way, but a sudden burst of flame blocked my path.

It wasn’t hot. But it was hard to break through. Some invisible force kept pushing me back.

Stop! Please, stop!

Even knowing it was a dream, why did I feel like this?

A nameless fear seemed to spark inside me. I struggled forward, waving my arms, step by step, until suddenly the pillar of flame died down. And then…

Flap! Flap!

‘Huh?’

A tiny bird fluttered into my arms. It looked so small and fragile, like it had just hatched.

The bird trembled its wings. I gently stroked it with both hands and looked around.

‘…!’

I held my breath.

I could feel it—a boy or girl, whose face I couldn’t see, was looking at me.

Cold sweat trickled down my back. The moment I tried to approach them—

A sharp bird’s cry pierced the air,

“Liana! Liana, wake up!”

I snapped to my senses.

A faint light glowed nearby.

“Liana! Liana!”

When I opened my eyes wide, the brightness blinded me.

“……”

‘Ugh… What just happened?’

Rolling my eyes, I saw the bright magic lamp, and Cecilia shaking me fiercely beneath it. When our eyes met, tears welled up in hers.

“Cecilia.”

My voice came out hoarse. At my low, sunken tone, Cecilia released my shoulders and hugged me.

Cecilia, how hard did you shake my shoulders?

They ached with stiffness.

‘Ah, I feel like I had some kind of dream.’

As I patted her back lightly, she sat up. Cecilia’s hair, which had tickled my cheek, slipped away.

“I think I had a strange dream… Hmm.”

When I touched my forehead, Cecilia took my hand.

“You have no idea how worried I was… My heart nearly stopped.”

Cecilia wiped away her tears.

“The dream was really weird. What was it…?”

I still felt a little dazed.

“Liana. Are you okay? Don’t think about any dreams now. Your health is more important. Are you all right?”

“This is…?”

The dorm… no, that’s not right. Whew, I almost asked something stupid.

“Liana, this is the infirmary.”

Cecilia somehow understood the words I’d cut short and answered.

“Aha.”

So it’s the infirmary.

It felt like my first time here. I’d never gotten sick, and whenever Cecilia was ill, Hawkins always took care of her, so there’d been no reason for me to come.

No, wait?

“Why am I here?”

I stared at Cecilia blankly.

Nothing hurts? Just a slight headache?

I tilted my head in confusion.

“Don’t you remember?”

Cecilia thumped her chest and sighed. Her hair was all disheveled.

“What happened? Come here.”

At my gesture, Cecilia reluctantly sat on the bed.

‘Ah. Habits really are hard to break.’

I brushed her tangled hair with my fingers and looked around.

The room was a bit bigger than a dorm room, with five beds, each with a curtain. The glass cabinet on the opposite side was locked and filled with unknown medicines and pills.

“Really don’t remember?”

“No. Did something happen?”

“Do you remember going to observe the riding class?”

“Yeah.”

I kept brushing her hair and closed my eyes.

Let’s see, we went to the main building A wing, listened to Professor Lumonda’s class explanation, and decided to try out several classes together.

‘Yeah. And then… Right. We went to the riding grounds.’

I opened my eyes, nodding, and met Cecilia’s gaze straight on.

‘Ah! Don’t look at me with those eyes!’

Cecilia stared at me anxiously, making my heart race.

“Cecilia… Don’t make that face.”

Cecilia, as if wondering what face she was making, touched her cheek.

“You look so sad.”

I guess I still haven’t gotten used to Cecilia’s expressions. Damn, I sighed.

“You collapsed so suddenly, I was really scared…!”

“Don’t cry.”

If you cry, it hurts my heart even more.

Ugh, how am I supposed to distance myself from her this semester at this rate!

“Anyway… I think I remember some things.”

‘Wasn’t it dangerous!?’

Natalie, who doubted the safety, and Paul, who excitedly babbled about horses, came to mind. He was surprisingly good at riding for his height.

So what happened next?

“Your hair is down?”

I remembered that Cecilia had tied her hair up nicely today. Only now did I notice while brushing it.

“Yeah, I guess the ribbon came undone while running…”

“Wait… Did you carry me when I collapsed?!”

I stopped brushing her hair in shock.

“Of course not! Liana, you can be so silly sometimes. Even if you’re light, there’s no way I could carry you running.”

“Yeah… Right?”

I quickly agreed.

Cecilia was so slender that I sometimes worried her arms might break if she carried even a few books.

“Then who…?”

Hmph.

No way, right?

Don’t tell me it was them—the ones who gave me a headache this morning?

Evan’s handsome face flashed through my mind.

“No, I’m not curious. So did I faint? Why?”

“Maon.”

Cecilia and I said it almost simultaneously.

“Yeah, you say you’re not curious… Who? Maon?”

I reflexively asked again.

‘Maon? Ah…!’

The boy who’d sat next to Cecilia, avoiding her. He had skin as pale and clear as hers, but jet-black hair.

A face you’d never forget once you saw it, but I couldn’t recall it in my memories.

“Maon came to riding class?”

I frowned.

Why can’t I remember any of this?

“How did I end up fainting?”

“Well… Paul and the riders were putting on a demonstration…”

“Yeah.”

“You watched and said, ‘That’s amazing,’ and then you leaned forward.”

“What?”

I blinked.

“I leaned forward? So… are you saying I ran out?”

“…Sniff.”

“Hey, don’t cry.”

I couldn’t really believe it.

I couldn’t remember anything!

There’s no way I’d run out toward a horse. Not after how hard I fought to survive!

My mood plummeted.

The memory of the carriage accident felt like a swarm of insects, circling my body, occasionally nibbling at me before hiding away.

We fell silent for a moment.

“I’m not sure.”

Cecilia wiped her tears and spoke quietly.

“I was behind you, but… I got pushed back by the kids behind, and while I was watching the horses, I wasn’t looking at you.”

“It’s okay, Cecilia.”

For some reason, I felt like I should reassure her. Cecilia bit her lip.

“But at that moment, it really looked like… like you suddenly jumped forward.”

“Hmm. I don’t remember.”

Looking at me as if searching for answers, all I could do was say that.

What can I do when I really don’t remember!

“Really don’t remember?”

“Really! Not a thing.”

Ugh, I hate this suffocating atmosphere!

I deliberately tried to sound light.

“So Maon saved me, then?”

“Seems like it. I couldn’t see well through the dust, but it looked like he grabbed you and rolled away.”

“I see. I should thank him.”

“Liana.”

As I tried to sit up, Cecilia helped me.

“Maon brought me here, too?”

“…Yeah.”

Cecilia seemed about to say something else, but hesitated and answered.

“He carried you all the way here.”

“Wow. All the way?”

“Yeah.”

“…Just saying thanks isn’t enough, then…”

‘Maybe I can use this chance… to get closer to him?’

That thought suddenly occurred to me.

Since he didn’t exist in my pre-return memories, I was a bit cautious… but that made me want to get closer.

To be honest, I’d already ruined the canvas of my life. I’d messed it up, not knowing what to paint, what colors to use. Now, having come back, it was like I’d been given a new canvas.

I could only paint what I remembered…

But if I painted someone new I didn’t know before…

Couldn’t I create a picture totally different from before I returned?

“Liana! Are you listening?”

“Huh? Sorry, what did you say?”

It seemed Cecilia had said something serious, as her eyes were glistening.

“Have you… been having a hard time lately?”

“Huh? What do you mean….”

“Liana, you…”

Hm?

It looked like the curtain was moving.

Was there a breeze? But the window’s closed.

I glanced at the curtain, then looked back at Cecilia as she spoke.

“Even in the bath last time…”

“The bath?”

‘Gasp. Was it because I couldn’t bear to face Cecilia that I went under? Why bring that up!’

My face heated up with embarrassment.

“In the bath…! You even… held your breath…”

“…Huh?”

I blinked.

“Why?”

It’s normal to hold your breath when you dive underwater.

What is this? Why does it feel like we’re not on the same page…?

“Tell me, Cecilia.”

I coaxed her gently.

How am I supposed to know if you don’t say it!

Calm eyes, seeming to search for the truth! But no matter how much you look at me like that, I won’t know unless you speak.

“Liana…”

Cecilia gently took my hand. I nodded.

Go ahead, say it!

“Why are you trying to die?”

“…Eh?”

I think that was the first time I’d ever made such a foolish sound, before or after my regression.

Swish!

Suddenly, the curtain was yanked open beside me.

“Is that true?”

Evan stepped out, his voice sharp as he demanded answers.