Chapter 19: Longing

Thinking about how much Xing Lian liked fruit and pastries, Fei decided to buy plenty more and get her some new clothes while she was at it.

Fei told Xing Lian her plan, and Xing Lian had no objection to it.

“I’m leaving. Be a good girl and stay at home. Remember to cover yourself with the quilt at night so you don’t catch a cold. I’ll try to come back as early as possible.”

Before leaving, Fei gave her a series of nagging, careful instructions.

Although the city wasn’t far from the Forest, and she could quickly make a round trip at her pace, she had a lot to buy this time. 

It was impossible to return today; the earliest would be tomorrow.

“I know. I’ll be careful,” Xing Lian said softly.

Fei looked at the obedient, soft, and adorable Xing Lian, then lowered her head to kiss her lips before reluctantly turning to leave.

After Fei left, Xing Lian was the only one left in the Mountain Cave.

At first, it was fine, but she soon began to feel bored.

“It’s so quiet.”

Xing Lian paced back and forth in the room.

Staying alone with nothing to do, she couldn’t help but start thinking wildly.

Although Fei had said before that she treated her as a partner, and had truly acted that way in their daily life together, she always felt it lacked a sense of reality.

‘Why is that? Is she not good enough to me?’

Xing Lian closed her eyes and thought about it. 

Before long, she found the answer — it was because of herself.

She lacked self-confidence and felt insecure.

This was a world where the strong preyed on the weak, devoid of morals or laws. 

She was only able to live a happy life now because Fei liked her.

‘But what if one day, Fei doesn’t like me anymore?’

Fei was so strong, while she was weak and disabled. 

‘What if she abandons me?’

In their relationship, Fei held absolute initiative; Xing Lian had no say at all.

Furthermore, Xing Lian always felt a sense of unreality.

After being ignored for more than ten years, with no one to care for or love her, someone suddenly liked her and was delighted by her… was she really worthy?

She was utterly powerless and blind; she couldn’t find a single merit in herself.

The more Xing Lian thought about it, the more dejected she became, and she couldn’t help but start fantasizing.

‘If only my eyes could heal.’

‘If I weren’t human, but a Beast Girl — and a very powerful one at that — would I stop being so anxious?’

“Maybe, but that’s impossible.”

Xing Lian sighed and shook her head to clear her complicated thoughts, recalling something else.

She had always wanted to find a way to prevent pregnancy, but she didn’t know how girls in this world conceived. 

This matter couldn’t be delayed any longer. 

Once Fei returned, she had to ask.

***

Time passed slowly. 

The sun sank in the west, and the sky gradually darkened.

For Xing Lian, day and night were no different, save for a slight change in temperature.

“It feels a bit cold. I’ll eat something and then go to sleep.”

The cold wind howled outside, but it was relatively warm in the Mountain Cave. 

She wasn’t wearing many clothes; her cotton outfit was enough for the day, but it was a bit lacking at night.

Xing Lian fumbled in the darkness, taking food out of the cupboard.

She ate a few pieces of pre-cut beast meat and a few fruits. 

After wiping her fingers clean, she walked toward the bed.

After getting into bed, her body became much warmer, but Xing Lian didn’t feel sleepy at all.

Without Fei by her side, she felt very unaccustomed to it.

Guarding an empty room was a bit difficult to endure.

When Fei was there, she felt a bit bothered, but now that she was gone, it felt rather unpleasant.

Xing Lian lowered her eyes, tossing and turning on the bed, unable to sleep.

Exactly when had she stopped being used to being alone and become unwilling to spend time by herself?

It must have been that time a few months ago when Fei held her in her arms and they spent a sweet night together.

Thinking of Fei, Xing Lian dazed off.

‘I wonder what she’s doing right now? Does she have a place to sleep? Did she have dinner? Did she…’

Amidst her wild thoughts, her eyelids grew heavier and eventually closed. 

Her breathing slowly became steady and long.

***

Xing Lian slowly opened her eyes and ‘saw’ the familiar darkness. 

She didn’t mind it, simply lying in bed and staring blankly.

She was used to waking up to kisses and being teased by her, and used to her scent and warm embrace. 

To suddenly lose it all made her feel empty inside, though fortunately, she would be back soon.

“It’s not early anymore. I should get up.”

Xing Lian lifted the quilt, hooked her slippers by the bed, and walked toward the dressing table.

She wasn’t someone who loved beauty or dressing up. 

The reason she did this was entirely because of Fei.

They say that women dress for those who please them. 

In fact, this saying applied to everyone; if you truly liked someone, you would naturally pay attention to your image, not wanting to show a bad side to them.

Xing Lian couldn’t see, but she could feel that her hair was a mess. 

She couldn’t be seen in such a state.

‘If Fei sees me like this and stops liking me, what then?’

Xing Lian tugged at her messy hair and sat down at the stone table to groom herself.

Though she called it grooming, it was really just combing her hair; she couldn’t do much more than that.

It took her a long time to comb her hair neatly, and then she went to get water to wash her face.

Having lived in darkness for more than ten years, Xing Lian had long since grown accustomed to such tasks. 

As long as she wandered the room a few times to remember where everything was placed and no one moved them, she could manage to take care of herself.

Only…

The weather was already very cold, and the sensation of washing her face with cold water was very unpleasant.

Xing Lian frowned, her small face turning red from the cold, but she had to wash it. 

She didn’t want to meet anyone while looking disheveled.

After washing her face, she got dressed. 

Feeling hungry, she went to eat breakfast.

Breakfast consisted of leftover roasted meat from yesterday. 

It had been delicious when it was fresh out of the pot, but the taste had changed now.

Paired with ice-cold water, the cold meat became even harder for Xing Lian to stomach.

If Fei were here, she would have taken meticulous care of her and would never have given her such things to eat.

Xing Lian put down the meat and sighed softly.

It was said that it’s easy to go from frugality to luxury, but difficult to go from luxury to frugality. 

This saying was indeed true.

In her past life, she wasn’t liked and had no one to take care of her. 

Additionally, because she was blind and couldn’t light a fire to cook, she had long since grown used to cold food.

But after being looked after by Fei for a few months, she actually found it difficult to swallow.

Fei had spoiled her palate and taken too much care of her. 

‘If this continues, will I be turned into a useless little thing?’

Xing Lian felt worried. 

She ate a hasty breakfast and then, having nothing to do, thought of Fei again.

“I wonder how she’s doing. She should be back soon, right?”

Xing Lian murmured to herself.

Just then, the sound of footsteps suddenly approached.

Xing Lian felt a surge of joy upon hearing the sound.

She was back. 

She had actually returned so quickly.

After not seeing her for just one day, she missed her so much!

Xing Lian felt excited. 

So, when the owner of the footsteps entered the room, she almost without thinking rushed over, running into the other person’s arms.