Chapter 68: Why Are You So Nice to Me?

Staring intently at Gu Fan’s face, I saw a moment of surprise flash across his expression. His brows furrowed slightly, as if he was troubled by how to respond to my question.

“Um… the birthday party was arranged by Shiratori and some other classmates. There were a lot of people, a mixed crowd. I figured if you went, it would just be some cake and chit-chat. I thought you might not like that, so I didn’t invite you. Tomorrow night, I’ll…”

“Stop talking.”

I don’t know why, but hearing words like “Shiratori,” “other classmates,” and “don’t like” felt like being pricked by needles again and again.

It hurt so much I wanted to cover my overly sensitive ears, to stop myself from getting hurt any further.

Even if I covered my ears with both hands, the cat ears on my head would still dutifully pick up every sound and deliver it to my brain. So I could only forcefully cut off Gu Fan’s words.

“Don’t say anymore. I know I’m a troublesome person, always full of all kinds of strange and unreasonable requests—like asking you to take me to the birthday party this time.

My personality is so awful that just showing up makes others uncomfortable. Why would I still insist on going and making a fool of myself? That’s how it is, right?”

I’ve analyzed my terrible personality countless times in the middle of the night. I never expected it to come in handy at a time like this. It’s honestly disgusting.

When I was little, teachers often said that if someone scolds you and you were in the wrong, you should just admit your mistake and correct it.

I’ve tried to change myself too. But every time I face pressure, I get entangled by a monster called exhaustion, so drained I can’t even move.

No one is there to support me through change. Vague ideals are nowhere near enough to be a solid foundation.

So all I could do was retreat, back into the so-called comfort zone that wasn’t comfortable at all, continuing to live like a beaten dog, licking my aching wounds just to barely get by.

If anyone else had said these things about me, I probably wouldn’t even spare them a glance.

But the one who said them was Gu Fan—and he said it so calmly. If his words could be turned into visual text, the whole paragraph would probably be bolded, underlined in red, and marked with stars for emphasis.

It left me completely overwhelmed by shame and frustration.

Sigh… I’ve already burdened Gu Fan for nearly a month. I’ve dragged this unreasonable little game of “playing house” on for so long, and yet Gu Fan still pities me as always. I really don’t know how to repay him.

If I could completely abandon the constraints of morality, maybe I really would offer my body to Gu Fan. That’s the advantage of being more feminine, right…?

But I can’t do that… Or rather, I still harbor some foolish hope that I can change things. I don’t think this weird, ambiguous relationship we have is what we’re supposed to be.

Is this what childhood friends are like? Isn’t it all too… intimate?

All I know is that when I say I’ll stay with Gu Fan for the next three years, what I really mean is that I just want to soak up as much of his care and trust as I can during these final three years.

But if Gu Fan could live to be a hundred and beyond, would I still be worthy of how kindly he treats me?

The answer is obvious.

“I’m a shameless woman, unable to restrain my greed. I just keep demanding love. If Gu Fan ever grows tired of me, he should just push me away.”

I spoke these words like I was talking to myself, but I didn’t make any effort to lower my voice—Gu Fan could definitely hear me.

I’ve completely lost sight of my original intentions. I don’t even know what kind of feelings toward Gu Fan are right, normal, or socially acceptable anymore.

Since I can’t bring myself to leave Gu Fan on my own, the only thing I can do is try to push him away with my words—to make him reject me.

I stared at the floor, silently waiting for Gu Fan’s response.

But instead of words, what I got was a tight hug from Gu Fan.

Cheek to cheek, chest to chest, our heartbeats seemed to resonate in that moment.

My waist resisted the awkward posture for a bit, but in the end, I gave in to Gu Fan’s gentle yet firm embrace and shifted myself to sit on his lap.

The warmth and softness of skin against skin was incredibly addictive. I suppressed the urge to turn my head and steal a kiss, and instead quietly buried my nose in the nape of Gu Fan’s neck, secretly inhaling his scent.

The hug continued… Neither of us spoke. We just patiently felt the presence of the other, wrapped so tightly in each other’s arms.

Sometimes, I feel like people need to be held by someone else just to confirm that they’re really alive in this world.

Of course, I’ve only ever tested that idea on Gu Fan. At least for me, as long as I have his embrace, any problem seems solvable.

As my thoughts slowly flowed, Gu Fan’s magnetic voice finally came out, like the soft sound of a record starting to play.

“I’ve never found you troublesome. I just hope Zhining can trust me. Don’t assume I’m annoyed or tired of you. My smile has become a habit—changing it would make it hard for me to get along in this society.

But in front of you, I’ll try my best to show my truest self. You just have to—”

“Remember this—if you ever need anything, I’ll do everything I can to give it to you.”

Being held by Gu Fan and hearing such soothing, affectionate words made waves rise endlessly in my heart. I even felt the urge to cry—tears of overwhelming joy.

I don’t even know why, but every time I’m comforted like this, all my resolve just crumbles instantly, vanishing without a trace. What’s left behind is just a fragile crybaby.

Logic tells me I should leave Gu Fan—that I shouldn’t drag him down or get in the way of his bright and beautiful future—but…

My throat felt parched from excitement, and my heartbeat grew louder and faster. Sitting on Gu Fan’s lap in a straddled position, I hesitated with my hands resting on his back, not daring to fully press my body against his.

I mustn’t act on impulse. I mustn’t cross the line. I mustn’t trample on the care Gu Fan has shown me.

I can’t let myself imagine taking things even further. Just this—this is already more than enough. I’m already deeply grateful.

I repeated these warnings over and over in my mind, yet my fingers still slowly traced along Gu Fan’s back.

Gulp…

When I felt the firm, defined muscles under my fingertips, I unconsciously swallowed. The air I breathed in seemed laced with some pink-tinted additive, clouding my brain and letting desire slowly take over.

Ugh… if this continues, I’m seriously going to lose it…

My mind, already muddled from the alcohol, now felt as though it was being swept up in a storm. Scattered, tangled thoughts flew in all directions.

The hug was just too warm. The arms wrapped tightly around my waist felt like a thick blanket in winter, holding me firmly in Gu Fan’s embrace.

I rubbed my cheek against his trembling slightly. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of his ear—and had to fight with all my strength against the sudden, almost uncontrollable urge to bite his earlobe and release all these overwhelming emotions.

The feeling of attachment pushed rational decision-making far away. The opposing forces inside me clashed like a blender, stirring my thoughts into chaos once again.

I no longer had the energy to suppress the overwhelming drowsiness washing over me.

I hadn’t been in this warm embrace for long, but my body had already decided—it was safe here, warm enough, and it sent that sense of sleepiness through every part of me.

In just a moment of zoning out, everything before my eyes turned dark. Drowsy and unfocused, I slumped onto Gu Fan’s shoulder, plucking a few fleeting thoughts from my mind and tossing them away.

“Why… are you so nice to me?”

The last thing I saw before I fell asleep was Gu Fan’s expression suddenly changing—
as if he didn’t know the answer to that question either.

Did I misread it…?

Heh…