After showering and changing, I wrapped myself in a blanket and crouched by the bed, staring at the floor. The bags of New Year’s goods were piled there, tightly knotted. For now, I didn’t feel like unpacking them.
I didn’t buy them to snack or pass the time. Even if I got hungry, they wouldn’t fill me up like a proper meal.
To me, buying these goods was just a way to go along with Gu Fan. Looking at them occasionally brought back happy memories of shopping with him.
Yesterday, I looked up the purpose of New Year’s goods online and learned that families who gather for the holidays often use plates, boxes, or trays to display their purchases.
Imagining their perspective, I pictured a family happily gathered around a table, the heater warming the living room. They’d chat casually, talk about everyday things, grab handfuls of snacks to munch on… That scene felt unexpectedly beautiful.
For a moment, my heart ached with envy. No matter how much I try to fool myself, I can’t help longing for the warmth unique to family…
In the end, I’m just an ordinary girl, not good at much, with a simple life and limited experience. Aside from liking Gu Fan a lot, there’s nothing particularly special about me.
At that thought, my chest, pressed against my knees, suddenly felt tight, as if it wanted to remind me of its presence.
Okay, fine, I take it back. I guess I’m not entirely useless. At least my figure can give the future Gu Fan some nice visuals and hands-on experience, maybe even surprise him.
Pressing my chest through the blanket, I let out a self-deprecating laugh. Repeatedly comforting myself with my figure felt a bit pathetic, like admitting it’s my only asset.
Propping my elbows on my knees, I rested my cheek in my hand, still staring at the bags of New Year’s goods.
Ugh, it seems the only way I’ll ever experience the warmth of a family is by being with Gu Fan and having a bunch of kids. That’s the only path I can imagine for a happy family.
So, I need to keep working hard to make Gu Fan like me.
…No, more precisely, to make him love me. I want to be the girl he sees as perfect for growing old together, not just a childhood friend with a decent relationship.
Everything I’ve done so far has been for this goal.
Pretty pathetic, right? While my peers are focused on scoring higher on exams, my head’s full of thoughts about romance. Heh.
After a bitter chuckle, I calmed myself and started to seriously consider what would happen if I stretched out my plan, waiting until Gu Fan’s in his twenties to make a bold move.
The thought hadn’t crossed my mind before, but now, as I pictured it, my body shivered uncontrollably, my attention wholly captured by the scenes I imagined.
“No way… I have that many rivals?”
Muttering to myself, I grabbed my cat ears in panic, pulling the blanket over my head and curling up completely.
High school feels long, but most of the time is spent studying seriously. For someone like Gu Fan, a top student since childhood, his priority is definitely “getting into a good university.”
During the class assignments after final exams, with my natural bad luck, there’s a good chance I won’t end up in the same class as Gu Fan.
As academic pressure mounts, without the advantage of being in the same class, I’d only get to see him after school.
His high school friends are already troublesome enough, but in university… the openness there is on a whole other level compared to high school. I’d definitely be pushed out by a swarm of girls who admire him.
That’s something I absolutely won’t allow!
The hand gripping my cat ears trembled uncontrollably. Realizing the crisis, my body was so tense I couldn’t control it. I could only curl up on the bed, trembling physically and mentally, muttering words even I didn’t understand.
I have to tie Gu Fan to me beforehand—whether it’s making him dependent on me physically or fostering a sense of responsibility emotionally. I need to do everything to max out both, ensuring no other woman can steal him away when I’m not looking.
The more I think about it, the more I resent that Gu Fan and I live in modern society. If only, during some time-travel mishap, we’d been whisked away to a special world together… ideally one where it’s just the two of us.
The wild but highly effective plans I’ve imagined are all restrained by societal morals.
It seems… a dirty-minded bad girl like me really doesn’t belong in this world. It’d be better if I just vanished from it sooner.
Ugh, so annoying. The more fears I have, the more anxiety consumes me.
If only reality were like a game, where I could fast-forward. I want every moment of clarity filled with Gu Fan’s presence, doing everything I can to win his affection.
But reality never bends to my wishes. I don’t want to stress over how to win Gu Fan, yet I can’t bear the thought of ending my life and leaving him so soon. Torn by this conflict, a red ocean of anxiety flooded every part of my body.
My restless mind was completely dazed. Though my eyes were open, everything in my vision turned black, impossible to see clearly.
Half-conscious, I pressed my forehead against the bedsheet, my mind forcibly disconnected by my body’s defense mechanism.
Staring blankly at the pink-and-white sheet, I panted heavily, excess saliva quietly dribbling from the corner of my mouth.
When I came to, the sheet was soaked in a small patch. Swaying as I sat up, my tense body felt weak, but it was much better than the uncontrollable trembling from before.
My face could no longer muster any expression. Silently, I threw off the blanket and grabbed a few tissues to wipe away the drool.
Stumbling to the mirror, I saw I’d been crying a lot—sticky tear streaks clung to my cheeks, making me look disheveled, nothing like the refined cat-girl image I usually try to project.
My foggy consciousness was shrouded in a thin mist, damp and steaming, impossible to clear.
I turned on the faucet, splashing my face with icy water, colder than my already stiff expression. Even when I’m with Gu Fan, the smiles I force on this face are so rigid I find them repulsive myself.
Back in my room, I pulled off the bedsheet, tossed it into the laundry basket, and calmly……gathered the blanket and pillow from the bed, swapping them for the spare sheets from the wardrobe.
After tidying up the small single bed, I didn’t have the heart to crawl back into it and burrow under the covers. Instead, I crouched in the corner of the room, sniffling.
“…”
As expected, I really just wanted to cry my heart out…