The fragile defenses I’d patched together finally crumbled under a sudden onslaught.
For so long, I’d been exhausted from dealing with the emotional reactions brought by real life, leaving me no energy or time to build other fortifications.
Even without external pressure, the betrayal from deep within my heart was far more agonizing than any outside force.
Hugging my knees, I stared blankly at the floor’s ugly patterns, my expression trembling slightly—impossible to tell if I was smiling or crying.
With my psychological defenses completely shattered, the questions I’d been avoiding, buried deep in my heart, were dug up by a brutal wave of negative emotions, slamming viciously into my mind.
Dizzy, I felt like I might faint again.
This time, I didn’t cry, but the fog in my mind showed no signs of clearing.
I pulled the tail tightly wrapped around my waist to my mouth, biting it gently. Whenever a dark cloud of unease passed through my heart, I grazed my teeth against it, pushing the cloud back to where it couldn’t be seen.
If I could live with Gu Fan in the future, bad moods would be so much easier to handle. Not only could he play with my cat ears and tail to his heart’s content, but I’d let him touch other places too…
Using pleasure to deceive myself wasn’t a bad method.
But… how should I put it? Just biting my tail for stimulation wasn’t nearly enough. Touching myself was far less effective than being touched by someone else.
Not enough, nowhere near enough. I wanted a more intense experience! My hands, clutching my knees, grabbed my cat ears. I pressed my thumb against the fluffy inner part, gently applying pressure.
But it didn’t feel as good as before.
Was my technique off? Or had I grown tired of this sensation? Or perhaps my current state of mind had surpassed some threshold, where nothing short of Gu Fan’s touch could push me to that leg-clenching, eye-rolling feeling?
Relentlessly questioning myself, I angrily bit down harder on the tip of my tail. This time, the sensation that shot back was surprisingly intense.
Pain surged into my foggy mind, and I let out a soft whimper, tears welling up at the corners of my eyes.
It seems the price of an overly sensitive body is that pain is amplified too… I really didn’t want to accept this trade-off.
I prefer the idea of “flawless perfection.” I want to handle everything I face perfectly, so even if obstacles arise, they somehow turn into blessings. Whether it’s the process or the outcome, I want to feel at ease, free from panic or anxiety about how to deal with things.
Is that too greedy of me?
It probably is. Real life doesn’t offer that many sweet dreams to chase.
…Even if there were so many dreams, I wouldn’t be the one living them. With my average family, mediocre grades, and practically zero accomplishments—aside from luckily transmigrating into a cat-girl—I’m just a featureless, useless woman.
It’s so infuriating. The more I think about it, the more ironic it feels. Why did a dim-witted fool like me get the chance to transmigrate? Wouldn’t it have been better for someone more talented, someone who loves Gu Fan just as much?
At this thought, my heart twisted with both jealousy and relief.
Jealous of the talented women who might appear by Gu Fan’s side, wanting to steal……their qualities that could attract Gu Fan, copying and pasting them onto myself.
As for the relief, I’m grateful that I was the one who transmigrated into a cat-girl. It’s probably the luckiest thing that’s happened to me in both my lifetimes combined.
Thinking back… at first, I arrogantly thought I was here to save Gu Fan, to be the key figure in making his remaining three years happy.
But the truth? His illness is cured, his life extended tenfold or more, and I no longer have a valid reason to cling to him.
I used to justify it by saying I liked him, that I wanted to marry him and grow old together.
Now, after breaking down my own defenses, that excuse feels laughable.
Heh, calling it “growing old together” sounds nice, but let’s be real—I just want to indulge my selfish desires, monopolizing the role of Gu Fan’s lover for life.
Maybe that motive isn’t so base. Plenty of ordinary people fall in love driven by all sorts of desires.
But I can’t shake the feeling that Gu Fan’s attitude toward me is special. Maybe he wants a deeper, soulful connection, seeing me as a close confidant with whom he can share his thoughts and feelings openly, not just someone he’s physically attracted to.
If he knew my dream was simply to be his wife, to build a family with him and raise a few kids, would he look down on me?
“Too mundane! You’re no different from those flashy, shallow girls. I misjudged you.”
I could almost see Gu Fan shaking his head in disappointment. I let out a soft “ah,” my hands releasing my cat ears to clutch my head, my body curling up in fear.
No, no, absolutely not. I can’t let that happen.
I have to package myself as gentle and refined, ideally as a girl with lofty ideals. Anything that can make me worthy of Gu Fan, I need to work twice as hard to achieve.
After all… there’s still the possibility of a long-distance relationship.
My forehead, pressed against my knees, ached a bit, but I had no intention of lifting it. Instead, I relied on the persistent pain to keep my mind clear.
…
A while back, I stumbled across stories of girls in long-distance relationships. Honestly… they were terrifying, even chilling.
In places you can’t see, without your knowledge, your boyfriend might already be entangled with another woman, over and over, dozens or hundreds of times.
What’s worse, their boyfriends could still chat with them so casually afterward, as if nothing ever happened.
It’s too horrifying, too horrifying. If their boyfriends were like that, what about Gu Fan, who’s far more outstanding than most guys and a master at acting? Could he already be secretly involved with other girls behind my back?!
Ugh, so disgusting—I feel like throwing up.
I quickly covered my mouth, pressing my other hand against my chest, holding my breath to forcefully suppress the urge to vomit.
“Phew…”
I have to hold it together. I just said I’d become a poised, elegant lady—how could I break character so soon?
Only by maintaining perfection at all times can I avoid slipping up in critical moments. From now on, I can’t let my guard down for a single second.
As for a long-distance relationship… I need to study hard first, make sure my grades can keep up with Gu Fan’s……and then figure out how to tactfully but firmly convince Gu Fan to choose the same university as me.
I’ve heard that even at the same university, the chances of cheating are still ridiculously high. But at least if I found out Gu Fan was unfaithful, I’d have a chance to track him down quickly.
You ask what I’d do then?
Heh. I let out a silent chuckle.
Lock him up, of course…