If Gu Fan stays well-behaved at school and continues to be so until he starts working, would things get better?
I carefully thought it over, only to realize the situation might be even worse… After starting work, he’d have even more chances to meet all sorts of strange, charming girls who might outshine me.
No matter how strong Gu Fan’s self-control is, he was still swayed by my subtle teasing. While that helps boost our connection, it also leaves a huge risk. If someone else uses the same tactics to seduce him, would he feel the same stirrings and dry-mouthed desire?
The moment I imagined Gu Fan smiling gently at another woman, reaching out to touch her, I couldn’t help but gag a few times.
Based on what I know about him now, he’s not so lustful that he’d lose it at the sight of a scantily clad girl—in fact, he might even be a bit repelled.
But I keep thinking people change. In the few months since I transmigrated, I’ve already turned into this odd version of myself with a completely different personality. Gu Fan, who’s bound to experience even more, will surely change under others’ influence. It’s understandable that he might go from liking something to disliking it.
Maybe it’s the combination of transmigration and hormones that’s drawn out these hidden desires and complexes buried deep in my heart, leading to such a drastic transformation.
For Gu Fan, though, even a small shift—starting to take an interest in girls prettier or more alluring than me—could mean he’s slowly but surely drifting away from me.
Anxiety crashed over me in waves. I sighed in frustration, roughly messing up my freshly combed hair. The tangled, nest-like mess only made my mood worse.
The deeper I let my thoughts wander, the more troublesome worries surfaced. It seemed I wouldn’t be able to stop my anxiety anytime soon.
To avoid stubbornly getting stuck in a mental dead end — and fainting again like I had earlier on the bed — I gritted my teeth and forced myself to stand up. But because of my anemia, my vision instantly went black, and I nearly collapsed. I had no choice but to cling to the wall to steady myself.
“Ugh… how annoying.”
My body was so weak. Normally, after eating, I would just lie in bed and stay there until I had to wash up or deal with basic needs. That overly lazy and repetitive lifestyle had practically turned my body into something useless.
Just standing up — something so simple — left me needing a full minute or two to recover. How pathetic.
With a body like this, what right did I have to compete with others for the position of Gu Fan’s wife? I didn’t look the least bit like a caring woman — more like a parasite clinging to him.
I wallowed in self-pity for a while before forcing myself to pull it together. My restless steps carried me out of the room.
Wasn’t there still some frozen yogurt in the fridge? If I remembered correctly, I bought it half a month ago for breakfast. There should be one or two bottles left.
Even though I had little appetite, in my current condition maybe something cold could at least soothe me a little. Besides, having something in my mouth to chew or swallow might bring even a small sense of happiness.
As I pictured what kind of comfort the frozen yogurt might bring, the corner of my eye caught a figure sitting on the living room sofa. A familiar figure.
I took a few steps toward the kitchen before stopping abruptly, finally realizing who that woman sitting on the sofa was.
It was my mother. She was leaning back against the sofa with her eyes closed, as if lost in thought.
I had long since gotten used to imagining that I was the only one at home, so my footsteps had been casual, careless, with no attempt to quiet them.
Mother must have heard me. When I turned my gaze toward her, the pair of faint gray-furred cat ears on her head twitched a few times. A moment later, her eyes — the same ruby-red as mine — opened and met mine.
We only locked eyes for a brief moment before I quickly turned away, pushing my body forward as if fleeing, nearly breaking into a run as I hurried into the kitchen.
When I pulled open the refrigerator, a blast of icy air hit my face, just enough to suppress the storm of emotions rising in my chest.
…Why has Mother been staying at home these past two days? It feels so strange, so uncomfortable.
Even though I usually confine myself to my room, I can’t help feeling uneasy when there’s someone else in the house — someone I know so well, yet share such a poor relationship with.
If it were my younger self, I would have been thrilled to know Mother was taking a few days off to stay at home with me. I would have lain awake all night, making plans in bed about how to get closer to her, then tried to put them into action the next day.
But in the end, she would only respond half-heartedly with a few cold words before going back to her own affairs, never caring about my disappointment.
After so many failures, my enthusiasm was worn down. As a child, I quickly accepted reality and gave up on trying to get along with her. Instead, I retaliated in my own way — by keeping my distance.
Unless absolutely necessary, I wouldn’t even greet her. Does that sound strange? I think so too… but this unhealthy family relationship really did happen.
After living “alone” in numb silence for so many years, I’ve already grown so used to it that it’s hard for me to have normal communication with Mother anymore.
What else can I do? Just muddle through life like this… At the very least, I still have Gu Fan by my side for now… though I can’t be sure I’ll really be able to keep him with me for a lifetime.
The small fridge light cast its cold, white glow as I stared blankly at the shelves inside. Aside from two bottles of yogurt, some ginger and garlic, and a scattering of miscellaneous snacks, there was nothing else. For some reason, I let out a self-mocking laugh.
There really isn’t a single trace of “home” here, is there…
Someone like me — and I dare to dream of becoming a gentle, virtuous wife? I don’t even know the first thing about creating a warm household atmosphere. Even if I did marry Gu Fan, all I’d do is make him feel suffocated and uncomfortable.
After all, Gu Fan isn’t twisted like I am. Both his family and his personality are normal — no, not just normal, but outstanding.
He’s used to such a privileged, orderly environment. Could he really endure someone as messy and strange as me?
The cold white light, together with the chill seeping constantly from the refrigerator, seemed to pierce into every part of my body, forcibly calming me down.
I let out a long breath, pulled out a bottle of yogurt, and opened the lid. Slowly, I began to lap at it with my tongue.
The old me would have just scraped at it a few times with the straw, left plenty of remnants at the corners, and tossed it away into the trash.
But now… since I’ve realized my own shortcomings, I might as well start making changes, even small ones. From now on, I’ll begin by never wasting a single bit of food.
In the reflection of the fridge door, I could see my tongue coated in the whiteness of the milk. After pulling it back into my mouth and swallowing, I stuck it out again. Only a faint trace of milk remained.
Thanks for the chapters big boss