As my hips sank into the soft couch, I let out a subtle sigh.
My body got a brief respite, no longer needing to stand upright on the floor, but my muscles remained tense from the psychological strain.
With the couch supporting me, my suspended heart settled back into place. Yet, this made me even more aware of how exhausting it was to face Mom after saying barely two sentences.
I already wanted to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over me, close my eyes, and escape into the world of dreams for a proper rest.
…At this moment, I wasn’t even thinking about what Mom might say or ask. Instead, I found myself oddly reflecting on how awful our mother-daughter relationship was. T
o think that sitting on the same couch could make me this nervous—how ironic.
Those picture-perfect families and heartwarming scenes you see online were never meant for me.
Even if I had the chance, with my awkward personality, I probably couldn’t reciprocate others’ care properly.
Rather than hurting the good people who care about me, maybe it’s better to distance myself now, quietly burying this messy little piece of trash—me—into the ground, so I don’t ruin their appetite.
Following this train of thought, my current loneliness almost feels like an act of compassion, as if I’m sacrificing for everyone’s sake. Heh.
As for my real thoughts… well, that’s pretty obvious.
Still, occasionally finding these excuses to comfort myself, slowly numbing my body’s perception of pain, isn’t a bad way to save myself.
Shifting my focus back to the tall woman sitting across from me, Mom had her arms crossed……arms crossed, leaning against the back of the couch, staring at me with a calm expression.
We sat in silence, locking eyes for a moment. Her chest rose and fell once before she finally spoke.
“Lately, you’ve been getting very close to a male classmate, haven’t you?”
How did she know?
I don’t know many people—honestly, I could count the ones I regularly talk to on one hand.
Though Mom’s words were vague, not naming anyone, just the mention of a “male classmate” was enough for me to know she meant Gu Fan.
The last time Mom came home unexpectedly and ran into Gu Fan, she didn’t seem to interrogate him too harshly.
Given her personality, would she really let me interact with a guy for so long and only bring it up now?
So, what exactly does Mom want?
Questions kept bubbling up in my mind. At the same time, I couldn’t help but fantasize that she might actually approve and support my relationship with Gu Fan, maybe even offer some advice as someone with experience.
If that were true, how wonderful would that be…
But that wishful thinking only flashed through my mind before I quickly suppressed it. It’s better not to dwell on impossible things, or the eventual disappointment will hit even harder.
Perhaps because I hadn’t responded, still lost in thought with my eyes lowered, Mom’s voice rang out again, this time elaborating on what she’d just said.
“That boy is the one you brought home last time, Gu Fan, right? He seems quite popular.”
Though Mom’s tone was as calm as ever, I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was subtly hinting at something.
Why mention that Gu Fan is popular? Does she also think someone as withdrawn and weird as me isn’t worthy of being close to him?
Maybe I’m just being oversensitive. She might not have meant it that way at all.
My fists clenched unconsciously. I licked my lips again, the wound on my lower lip already healing, with thin scabs forming. The metallic taste of blood was much fainter as my small tongue brushed over it.
I’ve long grown used to ignoring strangers’ opinions of me, but if someone close betrays me or digs up my flaws—exposing raw, bloody wounds for others to judge and mock—I still feel despair and panic.
The sting of trusting someone deeply only to be used as a tool for their amusement is truly unbearable.
When I was very young, I tried making friends with classmates other than Gu Fan. But kids can be so… “simple.” If a group openly rejects someone, others instinctively follow suit, mimicking their actions.
I don’t know why I was targeted. Was it because I was too timid? Or did my appearance make me seem like an easy target?
I don’t know, and I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Closing my eyes tightly, I let out a deep sigh, exhaling the burning heat from my lungs, feeling slightly better.
Opening my eyes again, I looked at Mom. She was patiently staring at me, her gaze like unyielding ice, showing no signs of wavering or breaking.
“So, what’s this about?”
I knew my mental state was on the verge of collapse. If I let my mind keep racing like this, churning out a mess of thoughts I couldn’t handle, I’d probably go crazy from overthinking before I even got a chance to be with Gu Fan.
I don’t want to be a madwoman. In fact, I hate the crazy things I sometimes do.
Because I know my nature is to stop at nothing to achieve my goals, I have to muster all my energy to restrain myself, to never go to those extremes.
To steer myself away from this path that leads to an abyss, I decided to take the initiative and end this irritating conversation as soon as possible.
Mom’s fingers tapped rhythmically on her elbow. Her scarlet pupils, so similar to mine, narrowed slightly, and her meticulously groomed cat ears stood upright.
Then, I saw her open her mouth, hesitate for a few seconds, and finally speak.
Her words sent a shockwave through my consciousness, as if it had been hammered and scattered into the air, taking a long time to piece itself back together.
“I don’t know how far you two have gone, but from now on, you’re not allowed to see each other anymore. Delete his contact information and cut ties completely.”
“…Are you serious?”
Finally snapping back to reality, I murmured those words.
When the words left my mouth, I wasn’t really seeking an answer. It felt more like a quiet plea for Mom to take back what she said.
But… the moment she made this decision, I already knew her resolve.
In a way, Mom and I are quite alike—both stubborn. We might hesitate or even want to back out before taking action.
But once we set foot on a path, we charge forward without looking back, no matter the outcome.
The way Mom transformed from a gentle, virtuous woman into who she is now is the perfect example.