I felt as if I would fall asleep.
Sleep threatened to drag my mind deep, deep down. But I couldn’t sleep just yet. I had to hear his name.
I didn’t even know his name. It wasn’t that I had forgotten. I had simply never asked. Not even in my previous life.
As the Lady of the Duke’s household, I had never tried to give my heart to anything or anyone. I didn’t want to show favoritism. Whenever I saw Cecilia, who loved easily and deeply, overflowing with affection and happiness like a child, I wanted to do the opposite.
Cecilia’s love was so abundant that, if she didn’t pay attention, many would wither from neglect. People like me, for instance.
That’s why I wanted to treat those who served me fairly. I wished for no one to be left out.
Was I truly fair? Or was I simply obsessively fastidious? Was it a kind of cleanliness I couldn’t maintain?
No.
I was simply afraid of love.
To let my heart lean, to ask someone’s name… to remember someone, which would turn into memories.
All of that weighed too much on me.
Even if I regarded them as special, gave them my heart, loved and remembered them deeply, I could never surpass Cecilia. I could never overcome the love and special place reserved for her. Because of her, my love would lose its light, lose its meaning. I would be pushed aside, as always.
And so, my own love would be so pitiful and wretched.
I knew. When it came to relationships and love, there is no winner or loser.
But if everyone I cared about ended up only looking at Cecilia, if I had to helplessly repeat that same situation again and again, I wouldn’t be able to bear it. Cecilia would readily ask people’s names, quickly grow close, remember them, and declare her love without hesitation.
For me, all of that was difficult.
To ask a name, to remember, to become close, to reach out—every bit of it was hard for me. I could never compare to Cecilia, who did it all with such ease.
That’s why I hid myself behind a façade of obsession, armed myself with kindness and etiquette. Claiming fairness and justice, I deceived my own heart, cutting away everything else as private and emotional.
Unable to bear it, I never even tried. That was my way of defending myself—a desperate excuse, a defense mechanism.
That’s why, now, asking him for his name made me tremble so badly I could hardly breathe. The courage it took made my heart churn, almost to the point of retching.
Something so simple for others was this hard for me.
I gazed at his face as if clinging for dear life.
I was shaking. The air felt so thick it was hard to breathe. I couldn’t tell how much time had passed. How long had I waited? Thankfully, before fear could fully swallow me, the knight parted his lips.
“My name is Natura Kenches.”
He, Natura, met my eyes and spoke slowly.
“Natura, Kenches.”
Natura Kenches… Could he know what it meant to me to ask for his name?
Even the breath with which I called his name trembled.
It was a magical moment.
“Natura. Natura Kenches.”
I couldn’t quite say what this feeling was.
It felt both joyful and sad. I felt as if I would cry. No, I was already crying.
“Yes, my lady. My name is Natura Kenches.”
“Natura Kenches.”
Like telling a child their name, he sincerely told me, though he surely didn’t understand what this moment meant to me. He let me repeat it as many times as I wished.
Anyone else would have found it silly.
But we were serious. Each time I called his name, he answered swiftly, as if it were the first time. We did that over and over.
A kind of fullness wrapped around me. A comforting drowsiness.
“Please, feel free to call me by my name.”
As I was about to fall asleep, Natura Kenches said this. Then he kissed the back of my hand again. Ah, he was still holding my hand. I felt a sudden rush of warmth.
“Natura…”
Blinking slowly, I called his name.
“Yes, Lady Riana.”
He called my name as well.
“…Mm.”
How could a face that didn’t smile feel so warm? It felt as warm as the sunlight pouring through the window. My trembling subsided.
Without thinking, I reached out and touched his cheek. His blue eyes widened in surprise, and he froze.
This was a bond I’d never had before.
It was the first time. The first time I’d ever asked someone’s name and called it like this, the first time I’d ever felt personal emotion, not as a noble lady, but as me—Riana, a person.
So this is what it feels like to have someone’s full attention on me.
Cecilia must have always lived with this feeling.
What name should I give this emotion in my heart?
“Lady Riana.”
At his call, I only nodded. I was too tired to think more. Shame and anything else, none of it had strength before my weary body.
“Please rest, I will stay and keep you safe.”
“……”
I no longer tried to keep my eyes open; I let them close.
His steady voice sounded in my ears.
“Don’t be afraid, my lady. The family’s knights will always be your shield.”
Always. Such comforting words.
Yes, I am Riana Credere.
Whether I have returned from death, or simply awoke from a terrible dream, the fact that I am Riana Credere does not change.
I could allow myself a bit of relief, believing in his words.
“Somehow… of course things wouldn’t pass quietly.”
After coming back like that yesterday, I slept straight through half the next day. Even while I slept, doctors and servants kept coming and going, they said. Olly, they said, had guarded my bedside with a terrifying face, like a demon.
Was it because Natura carried me princess-style back to the manor? Though they said I’d been in such a deep sleep that I wouldn’t wake no matter what, I suspected they hadn’t even tried.
“Heavens!”
And what greeted me was a swollen, puffy face.
“This is a dream. This can’t be my face.”
I shook my head at my reflection in the mirror.
‘All puffy!’
Maybe I’d used too much mental energy yesterday, but my body felt heavy and waterlogged with fatigue.
But my heart was lighter. Had I shaken off a little bit of myself that I didn’t like? I’d actually asked someone their name yesterday…!
The white, swollen face in the mirror grinned foolishly.
“I’d better not go to the Academy today.”
No, I was going to go anyway. I sighed deeply and shook my head. Even if the swelling went down, my face still looked like I’d been crying. The maids kept changing the ice and massaging my face with eggs.
Olly was pacing about the room. She clearly needed to calm down, but I hadn’t said a word for over an hour. I glanced at the wall clock and sighed. If I didn’t call her, she’d keep at it all day, even all night.
“Olly, stop it now. Aren’t you dizzy?”
A light, cheerful voice rang out. I called to her and was startled inside. My voice… why did it sound so clear!?
“My lady?”
“Huh? Oh, nothing, keep going.”
As I shuddered, the maid gave me a worried look. She seemed to be wondering if I was in pain, but I shook my head. It wasn’t pain that startled me… it was my voice. So youthful and lively.
Since my return, I felt like I was hearing my own voice clearly for the first time. My mind had been so jumbled with thoughts, I hadn’t noticed anything else.
The last voice I remembered had been low and suppressed. Of course, it had been elegant and precise, but that was all. Sometimes, even I was surprised by how cold and emotionless it sounded, as if manufactured by engineering magic.
Now it was nothing like that. It was a human voice.
Ah, I felt… tears prick at my eyes again. I stared up at the ceiling and blinked a few times. Was my voice like this yesterday, too? Did it change because I let go of the past a little? Or…
I watched Olly, who was pacing back and forth like a pendulum. Or was it because of Olly, who took care of me like a child?
Then Olly suddenly turned her head.
“I never knew our lady was such a crybaby. I’ve never seen you cry before! But honestly, I knew—sometimes after you’d fallen asleep, I’d find dried tear tracks on your cheeks…”
“Haha. Olly…?”
Apparently, she’d planned a grand cleaning of my room while I was away yesterday. She was apparently waving dusters around yelling, “This darn dust! These darn hairs! Hairs!” and instructing the maids to scrub everywhere. Then, when I was carried in by Natura, she froze for exactly ten seconds.
A whole ten seconds! Then she rushed over, inspected my sleeping face, sent word to the duke and duchess, and hovered nervously over my tear-streaked cheeks all day.
Olly had asked Natura what happened, and he’d simply described the events of that day…
Not knowing what Olly was thinking made it all the more frightening.
But to others, it would seem so odd. There was nothing unusual about the situation, so if someone made a big deal of it, they’d think I was being ridiculous.
“Olly! Calm down.”
I took the egg from the maid and motioned for her to leave. Seeing the maid’s worried face gave me a strange feeling. These were people who had never once glanced at my face before. Was it okay to change so suddenly? I avoided her gaze.
“Olly! You’ll collapse from dizziness if you keep going, stop spinning!”
“My lady! What in the world happened to you?”
We both shouted at the same time.
Like a stopped machine, she froze in place. And yet she looked so elegant—it was amazing. Even after all that spinning, not a single strand of hair was out of place. As expected, Olly was remarkable.
“Well, that is… hmm.”
“My lady, please answer me!”
I had no idea how to explain. Thinking about yesterday made me feel as though I was peering into memories submerged in water. The most vivid emotion was fear, but I couldn’t tell Olly I was afraid. I wasn’t even sure I could explain it.
“Nothing happened!”
“Am I supposed to believe that? You came back drenched in sweat! My lady, did something happen with Lady Cecilia?”