I remember how much I hated this time of year. The period transitioning from Soman to Mangjong. It was when the herons flew in flocks and the barley was ripening.
It was also when the heat started to become intense, but what bothered me most was the unavoidable outing.
Looking back now, I think I could have lived quite well in the past too. I knew how to scheme and was proficient in battle formations.
The only reason I didn’t run away was out of fear. I was afraid I might get hurt if I went out. Afraid that if I ran recklessly, my limbs might get cut off.
But after actually having my hands and feet severed, I realized something. It wasn’t as terrible as I had imagined. Compared to the time I spent hiding in my room, plagued by nightmares and fear, it was laughable.
Maybe that’s why I was now able to enjoy the scenery outside like this. I couldn’t tell whether my current personality was originally mine or if the old me was.
The dew-laden wild grass looked cold in the dawn. The Sam-bat and Bat were scattered in disorder—whose land were they? The sky stretched endlessly like a fine silk brocade.
Seeing such sights I never noticed in my past life, I thought that changing a person might be surprisingly easy.
“Maknae, it seems like you’ve finally started to loosen up today.”
That was how Geumwolsang, who used to be indifferent toward me, spoke warmly.
I hadn’t done him any great favors, nor had I been especially kind. It was only enough to show a little bit of mutual understanding. That was sufficient.
If I were to guess, Geumwolsang must have tried to reclaim the Samga in the past as well but lacked the strength.
He was nothing more than a pawn for the schemers. You don’t have to see to know. The fact that our carriage had no bodyguard attached showed our status. Of course, Mabu was one of the bodyguards of the Samga, but his strength was questionable.
In such a situation, when rebellion broke out, the power factions of Geumjeongwon would not have remained idle. Perhaps that’s how Geumwolsang’s personality changed.
“Hwachung is also quiet on days like this.”
Even Geumhwacheong, who had been grumbling all day, was silent now. He rested his arm on the carriage window frame, leaning his head on it, gazing only outside.
I glanced at Geumhwacheong with narrowed eyes. Could I change him too? That was still unknown.
This outing held much meaning. Catching this clear day and seeing my brothers in different appearances.
It was rare for the brothers to travel together like this, so I felt as if I had stumbled upon a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
“Did you not bring anything to go see Mother?”
Geumsurin asked. Yes, we were on our way to see Mother’s Memorial Tablet. Today was Mother’s Memorial Day. I don’t remember Mother in this life or the previous one.
Because she died giving birth to me.
Geumhwacheong turned his head and gave me a bitter look.
“Do you have no conscience after killing her?”
“Hwachung, stop it.”
Geumhwacheong’s sharp words made Geumwolsang snap back. Only then did I properly look at Geumhwacheong. That was the reason he disliked me—the fact that our mother had died giving birth to me.
But there was nothing I could do about it. I could only stay true to reality.
“I have something prepared.”
“What?”
“You’ll know once we get there.”
I turned my face back to the window.
Normally, Geumhwacheong would have raged, shouting about how I was disrespecting him, but this time he seemed exhausted and turned his face back toward the window.
The carriage, steadily running, jolted up and down as it crossed the rough mountain path.
“I don’t feel well.”
Geumsurin’s stomach must have been upset because her eyes fluttered shut. Spending too long indoors had made her pale skin look even paler and sicklier.
“Geumsurin, we’re entering Okhwasan. Don’t be rude.”
“…Alright.”
Geumsurin bristled slightly as if to say something but seemed to hold back after seeing Geumhwacheong’s expression.
Memories buried long ago surfaced again with the dust.
Mother’s Memorial Day that never really surfaced in my mind. Geumhwacheong always showed a different side of himself on days like this.
Sometimes solemn and contemplative. Sometimes respectful of etiquette. And after the ancestral rites, he would treat me with a sharper tone.
“Master, young lady, the carriage can’t go any further from here.”
The Mabu, sleeves rolled up, shouted from the entrance. Geumwolsang, sitting closest to the door, was the first to get off, followed by Geumhwacheong, me, and Geumsurin.
From then on, we walked through the mountain. Fortunately, many trees with broad leaves had been planted around, so it wasn’t slippery.
I had noticed it yesterday on the way up as well—Okhwasan had a steep slope.
Geumwolsang and Geumhwacheong had already gone far ahead, but Geumsurin was lagging behind, climbing slowly and unsteadily.
In my past life, I had just hurried up, not realizing how precariously Geumsurin was climbing.
“Ah!”
Watching Geumsurin shaking like a kite with a broken string from behind, she stumbled. I immediately caught her shoulder. Her hairbrush scratched the back of my hand.
Geumsurin stiffened like a statue as if startled that I grabbed her shoulder. She briefly twisted her neck awkwardly and then smiled at me. Her movement sounded like something creaking.
“Sorry. I owe you.”
“It couldn’t be helped.”
I helped steady her by pushing her shoulder back into balance.
“This is the first time someone caught me when I almost fell.”
Geumsurin leaned forward slightly and smiled shyly.
“Really? I thought our eldest brother would have caught you.”
“Don’t you know? The eldest always leads when we’re together. Maybe it’s some kind of commander game or something.”
That probably wasn’t a commander game. I knew the sincerity behind it from Geumwolsang, but I thought it could look like that.
Just as I didn’t really know my brothers, the others probably didn’t either.
“That’s not true.”
“Is that so? Well, the eldest doesn’t seem like that kind of person.”
“Why didn’t you ask him directly? If he’s playing some commander game or something.”
“How could I ask when we’re not close?”
Geumsurin answered seriously. It was an answer I could relate to. Being brothers didn’t mean you had to be close. We were used to this kind of relationship and distance.
“By the way, you look natural.”
“What do you mean?”
“Talking to me. This is the first time you’re talking to me.”
Was that so? Geumsurin didn’t seem like the type to get close easily either, and in my past life, it was pointless trying to talk.
“Are you feeling awkward?”
“No, it’s better than I thought.”
Geumsurin said that while smiling. It was a new expression, and I relaxed for a moment. When I blankly stared at her, Geumsurin poked my arm.
“Wow, nuna, you’re so pretty.”
I was at a loss for words for a moment. I knew she was joking, not seriously asking me to pretend to be crazy. Even if she had, I wouldn’t know how to play along.
Come to think of it, I’d never had a proper conversation with anyone. I’d only ever talked about strategies, logic, and spell interpretations.
When I stayed silent, Geumsurin immediately lost her energy. A faint sigh escaped her.
“…Ah, sorry. Did I try to act too friendly?”
“No, I’m the one who couldn’t say much.”
We talked like that until we matched our pace. Geumsurin was still taller than me.
Still, I walked carefully, watching out for her. She was still stumbling, so I had to catch her regularly.
I didn’t really have anything to say. I didn’t think it was awkward.
But maybe Geumsurin thought it was awkward because she kept twitching her shoulder. She seemed like she wanted to say something. Finally, she asked:
“Then, can I ask you something now?”
“Go ahead.”
“Why have you suddenly changed so much?”
“You look a lot different to me now.”
She seemed to think carefully about my words before nodding.
“That’s right. It’s not like I know you well enough to ask if you’ve changed.”
She didn’t mean it sharply, but Geumsurin seemed to grasp the context.
“Then what do you want to ask me?”
Geumsurin asked. Honestly, I’d wanted to ask since the beginning. It was a question I wouldn’t have dared ask if not for this chance.
“How old are you?”
I asked sincerely, and Geumsurin blinked, then laughed heartily as if hearing a funny joke. Still, she maintained decorum; the laughter wasn’t frivolous but quite elegant.
At that moment, Geumwolsang and Geumhwacheong, who had been walking ahead, turned back to us. Geumhwacheong frowned at Geumsurin’s loud laughter but didn’t say anything and turned away.
Of course, Geumsurin didn’t notice and just kept laughing.
“Laughing because there’s no age, huh?”
“I asked out of curiosity.”
“It’s such a ridiculous question, but it makes sense to us, so it’s funny. We do have a joke we all relate to.”
Geumsurin chuckled and tapped my shoulder repeatedly. It didn’t hurt, so I didn’t mind.
It just made me realize again how little I knew my brothers.
“I’m fifteen.”
“Yes, thank you.”
“And I’m twelve.”
Geumsurin said this while laughing, unable to stop herself. I wasn’t sure how to respond and just kept walking. The silence from earlier remained, but the mood had changed a bit.
Soon, Geumsurin and I arrived at Deungryeong Shrine. Even without Geumhwacheong’s reminder, the deeply carved skirts and tall stone steps made me feel solemn.
Geumhwacheong, who had arrived first, was wandering around confused. Geumwolsang wore a nervous expression.
“Where is the Shrine Keeper on a day like today?”
Geumhwacheong grumbled while looking around the building but didn’t raise his voice. He seemed to have his own standards for etiquette.
The Shrine Keeper. I remembered. Essentially, the Mabu who was selected as a servant by the Hwanggeum Family to serve at the shrine.
On a day like today, they would prepare incense and the prayer paper.
Usually, they had nothing to do, but on days like this, they should come out quickly. Yet, the shrine was silent.
The middle gate, which should have been tightly closed to protect the Mother’s Memorial Tablet, was open. Inside, nothing was prepared for the rites.
“…Mok-hwan.”
Geumwolsang quietly approached me. Geumsurin discreetly stepped back.
The reason Geumwolsang was so nervous was because of me. He had given me an advance warning that something would happen at the shrine today. Although he had reassured me that preparations were done, he still couldn’t help but feel uneasy.
“Should we go down immediately? Or should we wait?”
“Let’s hide our agitation and wait.”
I snapped my fingers lightly to call Geumhwacheong’s attention.
“Second brother, even if the Shrine Keeper isn’t here, that doesn’t change what we have to do, does it?”
“That’s just lip service.”
Geumhwacheong cocked his head disdainfully.
“No liquor, no fruit, no dried fish offerings, no one to read the Memorial Day record, no prepared ritual vessels, not even the basic prayer paper. Or are you saying we just do the formalities and leave?”
Geumhwacheong’s words seemed directed at me. Strictly speaking, there was nothing improper about the rites.
But it was impossible to uphold everything in the current situation.
At this moment, at least twenty men in black masks were closing in on us.
Geumwolsang twitched the sword at his waist, as if sensing something.
“W-what are you doing, brother?”
Geumhwacheong was surprised at Geumwolsang’s sudden hand on his sword. At that moment, I approached Mother’s Memorial Tablet.
Beside it was a Juk-tong containing the Hwa-seop-ja. I turned it open, blew strongly into the mouthpiece. The small fire caught the Hwa-seop-ja, which I then transferred to the incense, closing the Juk-tong afterward.
“Mother, please forgive today’s rudeness.”
After offering incense to the Memorial Tablet, I closed the shrine’s middle gate.
No sooner had I closed it than men dressed in black masks silently spread out around us like vultures.