[When I was little, I was a crybaby.
Precisely because of that, the people around me treated me with such gentleness.
I feared the dark.
I feared loneliness.
I feared that one day the endless darkness of night would swallow me and I would never wake again.
I feared that the little rabbit I still held in my arms today would someday leave my side…
Whenever I thought of that, I could not help but cry.
Fear and sorrow tangled together until the only thing I could do was hide on the bed, hugging my pillow and weeping.
I had a very, very good older sister.
Whenever I cried, she would gently knock on that window and take me to look at the stars outside.
Sitting beneath the apple tree lit by moonlight, she would always smile and say to me:
“You always think too much, think too far…
“Although that isn’t a bad thing, for us, these stars filling our eyes, this leisurely cool breeze—this is our present.”
At that time I still did not understand what “the present” meant.
I simply gazed at the stars filling the sky, gazed at the halo above my sister’s head that shone as brilliantly as starlight, and just like that I fell asleep between her knees.
Sister said we were children of God, children created by God who belonged to the world.
Our sky was always so clear, clear enough that the gods needed only to lower their heads to see us strolling across grasslands blooming with flowers.
They guarded us.
They watched over us tenderly.
They hoped only that we would be happy and joyful in this little world.
Later I grew up a little.
Our world (Eden) was actually very small.
The grassland where Sister often took me to look at the stars already made up most of this world.
The companions I had known since childhood were in fact the entirety of this world.
After growing up I attended the same school (the church) as them, learning in the same class how to brew tea, pick flowers, and make delicious food.
Our mission was only to watch over the azure above our heads—the azure sky—to protect every cloud, to protect every tiny, tiny star.
I was already very content.
Our world was always bathed in sunlight, sleeping beneath starlight.
Every day was a sparkling day.
No harsh winter.
No overcast rain.
No beginning, and likewise no end.
Every day we sang when the sun rose.
Every day, when night fell, we prepared a lavish dinner together and danced leisurely to music.
I, too, never again thought that someday someone would leave my side.
Never again feared the night.
Never again cried.
I was a child of God.
My pure white feathers could warm the earth and bring forth blooming flowers.
My gentle voice could awaken the morning sun and light up the azure sky.
The halo above my head was a gift bestowed by the gods; it blessed everything, scattering stars across the night…
I was content, and I understood what “the present” meant.
But just as I was rejoicing in the unchanging nature of life, just as I was falling asleep as usual with my head on Sister’s knees listening to the cool night breeze, Sister said this:
“Do you still feel lonely?”
I told her I had not for a long time.
After hearing my words, Sister smiled, stroked my forehead just as she always did, and said softly, “You’ve grown up. Sometimes, looking at the grown-up you, I feel a little lonely myself.”
“Eh?” I looked up at her, showing the same incomprehension as when I was a child.
That night’s conversation with Sister had already passed so long ago that in this little world where even the days themselves could be erased, it had long since grown hazy in my memory.
I simply looked at Sister’s eyes that reflected the color of the stars, at the halo above her head that still sparkled and sparkled, and it made me remember childhood—the loneliness of sitting alone at the head of the bed.
We were, in fact, lonely.
Yes.
We were, in fact, lonely.
I remembered the time before I started school.
Back then there was a white-haired old man at the school—he had no halo on his head, no wings on his back.
No one knew where he had come from, and no one knew how long he would stay.
He taught us a great many things this world did not have, bringing tiny changes to this small, unchanging world.
Yes.
I remembered.
Sister’s teacher.
Someone different from us, someone who would one day leave us.
Although I was not familiar with him, one day—the day his voice no longer echoed through the church—little me first understood the meaning of departure.
That was why, as a child, I always felt afraid, always felt lonely.
Sister, are you going to leave?
That night I shed tears I had not shed in a long time.
Yes.
Sister left.
Just like that old man, the shining halo was no longer on her head, the pure white wings no longer on her back.
Wearing a set of plain, old clothes, she said to me beneath the apple tree, “The gods agreed. I want to go look for that person.
“Perhaps one day we will meet again in a broader world in a way we never have before. Perhaps we will never meet again until the end of time. But if you feel lonely, please believe—
“In a broader, more distant place, there is definitely, definitely someone you very much want to meet.
“He will surely make you never, ever lonely again.”
Never lonely again.]
—Blue Realm—
—Preface · My Heaven’s Lost Feather—
Blue Realm
Chapter One: February 18th in the Library
Angel.
If angels existed in this world, I thought the person before my eyes must be one.
But when the gel pen in my hand, already half-empty of ink, wrote the final period in my notebook, all I felt was a shame so intense I wanted to tear the page out immediately.
Summer sunlight lit every desk brilliantly.
The golden radiance slanting in through the window left a layer of beautiful white on every strand of her hair.
Gazing at the person before me, I realized my eyes had been deeply captured by her at some unknown point, and this state had already lasted several days…
If the other party were an ordinary person, I would probably already have been labeled a “weirdo” and hung on the school wall.
Fortunately this was not school, and the other party was not an ordinary person.
Summer, summer vacation—days the vast majority of students found incredibly exciting—yet my mood was always gloomy.
Partly because of the sweltering heat, and partly because I had nowhere to go.
My parents passed away the year I started high school, died in a car accident.
The driver at fault did not flee at all; everything was straightforward, he did his best—but my past would never return.
My dad, my mom, and the older sister who had always taken care of me since I was little.
After that I boarded with my aunt.
People often say an uncle’s love for his sister’s child is genuine, and I agreed with that.
It is just that that place was not my own home.
My uncle’s financial situation was not good.
He worked at a subcontracting company under the power company and often traveled to remote places.
His wages were not high, just enough to support his family.
To supplement the household, my aunt rented three garages under a residential building and ran a small online purchasing business.
Those three garages of less than ten square meters each became her warehouse, and also our residence.
The compensation from the car owner’s insurance did not bring wealth to my uncle’s family, because he said that money had to be saved for my studies, for my future.
Yet the more they were like this, the less my heart could find peace.
That place was never my home.
Although my uncle was truly, truly good to me, they also had their own daughter, and their daughter had her own future.
Sometimes I even thought I might as well just disappear like this, but as a student who had not even graduated high school… where in this world was my home?
Even just a tiny room, a bed that belonged to me alone—such a minuscule request was still too difficult for me as a student.
I had nowhere to go.
So I did not like summer vacation.
Because when school was in session, I could at least live in the dormitory, live in a place that made me feel at ease.
Angel…
I probably just hoped that angels existed in this world.
If angels existed, then heaven would exist in this world, and in heaven my parents, my sister—they must be watching over me.
If one day I quietly died just like that, I would see them, right?
At that time, would I be able to find my place to belong?
Rustle— The sound of pages flipping haphazardly, followed by the muffled thud of a book hitting the floor.
In the quiet library, in a library that already had few people, that sound drew everyone’s gaze toward the space in front of me.
The pretty girl sitting across from me had her hand raised, looking completely at a loss.
She had long pink hair, extremely, extremely smooth and glossy.
Her fair skin held a lychee-like translucence in the summer sun.
She always wore white dresses; though the styles differed, they were always white, setting off her slightly chubby yet adorable face.
It was truly, truly hard not to notice her… and I had been sitting in the seat across from her for several days in a row.
From the day I first noticed her, it was as if I had found a place to go: this library on the outskirts of the city, this sunlit corner.
“Sorry about that, did I startle you? I’m really sorry…”
A voice like a leisurely cool breeze, soft as the murmuring flow of a stream, like faint starlight brushing past wind chimes.
The first time I heard her voice, it actually made me remember lying across my sister’s knees as a child, listening to her tell bedtime fairy tales.
Did the beautiful princesses, pretty fairies, and gorgeous angels in fairy tales all have voices like this?
I could not help but freeze for a moment, then suddenly came back to myself and bent down to pick up the book on the floor.
“Ah… it’s fine, mm, it’s fine…”
I could not get a single sentence out.
Clearly I had so, so many things I wanted to say to her.
Yet when I actually struck up a conversation, my face flushed red and I could not spit out even one word.
I could only close my eyes and hand her the brown-covered book, then quietly listen to her voice.
Her hand was so cool, brushing across my fingertips like silk.
After taking the book she did not say much more, only a “thank you,” then opened it.
She did not even know what an embarrassed state I was in at that moment, because she… could not see.
Yes.
I did not know why Heaven had arranged it this way, but this girl sitting in front of me, who had deeply attracted me from the very first day, was blind.
The book she opened had line after line of grooves; there was no text in the grooves, only dense raised little dots.
This kind of book was designed especially for the blind, so even though I had sat in front of her for several days, I did not even know what she was reading, much less have a topic of conversation.
“By the way.”
Just then the girl suddenly lifted her head and turned her face toward me.
Sure enough, it was a very cute face.
Long, handsome lashes beneath slightly curved bangs.
Pink strands at her temples hung beside her cheeks, laying little spots of light across her face in the sunlight.
“Ah, y-yes?”
I suddenly grew nervous.
This time I was truly nervous.
For the first time in my life I felt so useless, lacking even the courage to strike up a conversation with a blind person.
The girl’s closed eyes paired with the slightly upturned corners of her mouth made her look as if she wore an intoxicating smile.
She still used that voice warm as a gentle breeze: “I still don’t know your name. You’ve been reading here for several days too. Are you preparing for exams?”
Ah, this…
She actually knew I had come several days in a row.
I could only say that even though she could not see, she still had other ways of recognizing people?
For a moment I was tongue-tied again, only able to blush and not say a word.
She did not seem particularly concerned, merely tilting her head and making an “mm?” sound.
“Ah, no…”
But how was I supposed to explain this?
At first I really had just come to the library to sponge off the air-conditioning because I had nowhere to go, but… how had it developed into this?
For an instant I felt like an idiot doing something strange, but when I actually faced her and spoke with her, I…
“I…”
“It’s quite a coincidence, isn’t it? Every time it’s you sitting in front of me.”
Snap. I felt my heart take another stab.
Of, of course I sat in front of you every time… because almost no one came to this library, and the seat in front of you was empty every time I came.
“I…” What should I do, what should I do?
The moment in my life that most required computational power had arrived, yet unfortunately my brain could not overclock.
Clearly, clearly I felt I could make up an excuse to muddle through, or just go along with her words and say I was preparing for exams.
But looking at her face, I could not say it no matter what.
I held it in for a long time, held it until my whole face was red, held it until I squeezed out all the courage of my life: “I…
“I just…
“just wanted to sit in front of you and look at you… that’s all…”
!!!
Oh my god what did I say?! What kind of weird statement was that?!
In that instant I wished I could immediately dig a hole in the ground and bury myself.
In this terrifying silence, I covered my head with both arms, hiding my face—oh god, what did I say.
I was not someone who had never told a lie.
In terms of honesty I was only the same as ordinary people.
But in front of her, especially when her voice rang beside my ear, this feeling of being at a complete loss meant I simply could not control my words, left with nothing but ten thousand parts of bewilderment.
***
In the library, the faint sound of pages turning still echoed, quiet enough that I could even hear the whoosh-whoosh of cold air blowing from the air-conditioner overhead.
I secretly lifted my upper eyelids and peeked at her through the cracks between my fingers.
Her pale pink long hair trembled with her body, then she raised her right hand to cover her mouth and let out a pfft of laughter.
“What are you saying? What a strange child.” Laughing, she said this softly.
“Y-yeah…”
This point really could not be refuted.
Who would deliberately sit in front of a girl in the bloom of youth for several days in a row, doing nothing except looking at her.