Clearly I had known Lingyin for so long, yet besides being able to see her directly in the library I did not have any other contact information for her, did not even know her address.
Originally the two of us had felt this did not seem like a problem, but today…
If I met her, I definitely had to ask her for her phone number.
My shoes knocked out muffled sounds on the white floor.
There still were not many people in the hall; at a glance you could see through every corner of the library.
No sign of Lingyin.
In that corner where the two of us always sat, there was only a window someone had forgotten to close, letting in the cold wind.
She really had not come.
Clearly it was the agreed weekend.
Yet I knew the one at fault was me.
I had not excluded all interference and told her my news at the first opportunity.
I had not come first to greet her during Spring Festival.
I had not at least properly said goodbye when the short winter break ended.
I was wrong about too much, too much…
Yet even so I still would not give up.
Even knowing her figure was already gone from this library, I still searched hard.
I did not want to, I did not want to give up like this, I did not want to never see you again like this.
I had already forgotten how long I wandered in the library.
Not only this reading hall we often used, I even ran up to the rooftop.
The cold wind on the rooftop was truly very cold, and my stomach hurt too, but except for places I could not go, I searched every corner of the library.
Winter nights came early.
Even if I would not give up, at the library’s main entrance there already stood the administrator preparing to get off work.
I really, really…
Did not know if this door could close a little later for my sake, even one second.
Lingyin, are you angry?
Or do you think I will never come again?
How I hoped you were only angry.
This time I would properly apologize to you, properly say goodbye to you, hoping you would still wait for me.
Wait for me to finish exams, wait for me to get into university, wait for me to graduate university.
One day I would be able to stay by your side forever, let your fingers touch the fairy tale I wrote for you.
Wait…
How could anyone wait.
Who would be willing to wait for a reading companion they only met during summer vacation.
How many years would that take…
The library’s glass doors were locked under the iron chain the administrator lady picked up.
Looking at the dim hall where the emergency exit signs emitted a faint green glow, it seemed like the first time I had seen the library empty of people.
The auntie beside me looked at me; she seemed to have seen my purpose and said to me not to wait anymore, come tomorrow.
But I did not want to wait until tomorrow.
Crisp footsteps echoed in the dim corridor.
Probably even the administrator auntie could not be bothered with me anymore.
In a little while I would be forcibly driven away by security.
I knew that no matter how much I wanted to wait here for Lingyin, she would not come.
***
Around me, whoosh wind sounds blew from all directions.
Truly frighteningly cold.
“Yulin?”
Was it a hallucination?
I seemed to hear Lingyin’s voice ringing beside my ear.
Listening carefully, what echoed in my ears was only the rustling cold wind.
“Yulin? Is that you? Is someone there?”
No, it really was Lingyin’s voice!
Squatting at the hall entrance I shot up at once.
In the dim light, a white figure was holding the railing, standing at the stair landing.
How could there be someone so good, so foolish, so gentle.
You really were waiting for me…
“It’s me, yes, I’m here!” At that moment I felt as happy as a child, ran the two steps to her, and grabbed Lingyin’s hand that was icy in winter.
“I—”
“I’m sorry, Yulin.”
Before I could speak, Lingyin used that still-warm voice to say softly to me, “I had something today so I came late.
“I thought you would definitely be waiting for me at the library, so I still came.
“Sorry for being late.”
So close.
I was so close to her.
Close enough that the gentle breath she exhaled when speaking brushed my face, and I once again became unable to say a single word, only wave after wave of choking in my throat.
“The one who should say sorry is me.” From the heart, this time I did not hesitate or shrink back, but said from the heart, “I made you wait for me so long, and I only waited for you one day. I really, really am sorry.”
How, how could there be someone so good, so gentle, so foolish.
I was certain you were an angel fallen from the sky.
You were my most, most precious treasure.
I finally told you I had gotten pretty good scores on the joint exam, finally shared my joy with you.
I finally told you I really, really would return to your side, no matter how far the future was from us.
I finally gathered the courage to ask you for your phone number, so I could hear your voice anytime, tell you where I was.
I thought one day I would stay by your side and go nowhere.
Only for you write stories filled with you; only for you draw mountains, seas, and blue skies that belonged to you.
Because you completely healed me, I already could not leave you.
This time it was my turn to heal you.
Perhaps in the real world I could not go anywhere, and you could not see anything.
But in this world that belonged to us, you could take me soaring through the sky, going to broader, broader places.
We were not lonely, not at all.
February 18th, a day that was a bit cold, yet very warm.
That night we went home very late.
The security uncle did not come to drive us away either.
Until the last bus passed in front of the library, you waved to me from outside the window, standing under the orange streetlamp.
Fine rain fell from the edge of the transparent umbrella in your hand, reflecting the streetlamp’s light, leaving a stretch of crystal.
In the dim carriage I desperately wiped the fog from the window, only wanting to look at you one more time.
February 18th, a day that was very cold outside, yet very warm inside.
My high school countdown, with Lingyin’s company, made me feel fearless in those days.
I did not miss a single daily class.
Daily practice I practiced until the dorm lights went out.
In school I was an ordinary, unremarkable fringe character.
No pretty looks, no outstanding grades, no popularity to become a central figure, no eye-catching personality, but that was fine.
I only hoped to get into that university in this city, so I would not be too far from Lingyin, so I could still come to that library every week, read for you, draw for you, listen to your pfft of laughter.
The weather grew warm again.
Sunlight pierced the haze and became brilliant once more.
The countdown beside the blackboard tore off a sheet every day.
In the tense atmosphere there was not a trace of fear in my heart.
It was so good to have met you, Lingyin.
I thought at every moment that this must be the arrangement of the gods, letting me find you that midsummer afternoon in this library corner.
So even now I still liked watching you quietly reading.
This library probably already had no braille books Lingyin had not read.
Even counting the few I pinched from my pocket money to donate to the library, for Lingyin that was only a little relief of the boredom while waiting.
What had she been like before?
Had she finished the braille books at other libraries so she came here?
Actually every time I was with her or talking on the phone I always wanted to know more about her.
But every time I forgot without realizing, because just being able to hear her voice I was already very content, very happy.
Our days were as always, unchanging.
Until the countdown reached 30 days, I told her I had made up my mind to get into that university in this city, so I could not keep her company this month.
Of course gentle Lingyin would not have any opinion besides agreeing.
At parting she blessed me, hoping I could realize my wish, but she probably did not know my wish was only to be with her.
Yes.
I had not confessed, and I did not have the courage to confess.
Even though I liked her to a hopeless degree, I still had not confessed.
What if she rejected me?…
After all, we were both girls…
Would she reject?
Would she not reject?
Could she accept one girl’s hopeless love for another girl?
What exactly was the feeling between the two of us?
These questions, wait until that day, until the day I could stay by her side forever, then carefully seek the answers.
It was okay.
Even if we could not meet for a while, we still had each other’s phones.
It was okay.
Even if I did not know the answer to this question, I could still stay by her side.
Countdown, ten days.
Countdown, nine days.
***
As the day drew closer I missed her more and more.
Thinking about it, we had not talked on the phone for one or two weeks, but it was okay.
I would soon be able to return to Lingyin’s side.
What I had to do now was concentrate and get another good score.
Countdown, one day.
An angel descends to the human world, bringing blessings to those who need help, guiding the way for those groping in the dark.
When her task is complete, she returns to where she originally belongs.
Beep—beep—
“The number you have dialed is temporarily unanswered. Please try again later.”
Beep—beep—
“The number you have dialed is temporarily unanswered. Please try again later.”
Beep—beep—
“The number you have dialed is temporarily unanswered. Please try again later.”
***
From the day the college entrance exam ended, I could not contact Lingyin.
Perhaps I already could not contact her even earlier.
From my understanding of her, she must have been worried about affecting my exam prep, so she did not tell me anything.
Speaking of it I really, really was too useless.
Even now I still did not know where she lived…
Summer arrived.
The sunlight here was still so dazzlingly brilliant, still so warm.
In this month I had not worried about Lingyin for a single moment.
But all I could do was quietly listen to the voice on the other end of the phone change from [no answer] to [powered off] and finally become [out of service].
The machine voice on the phone was so cold, cold enough that in this scorching summer I could not help shivering.
Yet even so I still dialed this number every day, hoping that one day the other end of the phone would bring your familiar and warm voice.
Recalling seeing Lingyin here last summer felt like yesterday.
I silently looked at the desk, not closing my eyes for a moment.
Where did you go, Lingyin?
Will we meet again?
I had not even been able to tell you I really, really like you.
I even started to hate this cowardly self.
Clearly liking was such an intoxicating thing.
At this time I could not help remembering when the joint exam ended, during winter break.
I had also disappeared for a month like this.
At that time, did you carry the same feelings as me?
I’m sorry.
I’m really, really sorry.
I never knew waiting was so painful, so anxiety-inducing.
I only waited for you one day, yet in that period you waited for me so long.
If I say sorry to you, will you forgive me?
Will you come back?
Will you come to my side just like that night and softly call my name?
What should I do?
I do not know what to do.
I do not know what to do so you will come back, do not know what to do so I can hear your voice again, see your figure again, see your pfft of laughter again.
I really am hopeless.
Yes.
I really am hopeless.
Clearly knowing it was already meaningless, clearly knowing Lingyin was probably long gone, I still waited in this library.
Every week, every week, every week I came.
If it was winter or summer vacation, I came every day, every day, every day.
I just sat here, writing, drawing, looking up at this empty chair.
Another midsummer arrived as promised.
The piercing sunlight always made this stretch of buildings look especially pale.
The bus stop at the main entrance changed to a brand-new blue rain shelter, blue as the sky, blue enough to intoxicate.
The original cement road was still a cement road.
The photinia on both sides rustled sha-sha in the summer breeze.
Sunlight smeared mottled shadows on the ground.
Walking up the slope, through the lobby, climbing the stairs.
Behind the hall’s glass doors, the librarian beside the counter was an unfamiliar face.
I thought I might understand this library better than the staff here.
During university I used money earned from taking commissions to donate a great many braille books here; they could fill an entire row of shelves.
I still came here every week, every week, every week to write and draw.
Only the electromagnetic pen in my hand had long replaced the gel pen that sometimes leaked ink, writing fairy tales belonging to you on the e-ink book.
Angels and starry skies, mountains and seas, the morning sun that rose every day.
This year was the year I graduated university.
I still had not waited for you.
I gave up the out-of-town companies that had taken a liking to my work during campus recruitment.
I moved into the house left behind when my parents were still alive.
Incredible.
When I returned to this home that had once belonged to me, nothing had changed.
In the living room the TV remote still sat on the coffee table in its plastic sleeve; in the bathroom a brand-new bottle of hand soap sat by the faucet; in Sister’s room, in the wardrobe, her favorite white dress still hung; in my room, on the wall, my favorite anime posters still stuck, in the wardrobe drawer my childhood baseball cap still lay.
That white laptop was still on the desk.
Turning on the power, as the familiar startup music played, the screen still showed the landscape wallpaper Dad liked best.
Under that desk lamp still sat Mom’s tablet; charging it, it could still play those old Hong Kong dramas stored inside.
***
And many, many more…
It was as if just yesterday I still lived here.
I knew.
Yes, I knew.
In this world there were still people silently guarding me from behind.
He was like this house.
Although he had long left traces of the years in the passage of time, he still had broad shoulders.
I actually was not lonely at all.
What about you?… Lingyin.
Are you lonely?
Is there someone who takes care of you when I am not there?
When I am not by your side, what do you do every day?…
I did not know a thing…
I did not know…
This year’s summer still arrived as promised.
And the person I was waiting for still had not come.
Sometimes I thought, why was there someone as foolish as me who would actually stubbornly wait for you here.
Every week, every week, every week; every day, every day, every day…
Yet this question I had actually had before.
That was on a night of howling cold wind, likewise in this library, on February 18th of that year.
Looking at Lingyin so close before my eyes, I had thought the same.
In my heart this feeling called love had long since sprouted.
I had just understood it too late, too late.
Actually this was love, hopeless love.
Because of love, every week, every week, every week, every day, every day, every day, just like when you were still here, I came here.
Because of love I wrote more stories, drew more pictures, only wanting when I met you again to tell you more, more.
Even if before my eyes there were no longer those tiny little dots deeply carved in the grooves of books that I had never been able to understand.
Even if before my eyes there was no longer your beautiful figure in a white dress under the sunlight.
I decided.
I would grow old and die here, wait for you forever, forever…
Because Lingyin.
I really, really, really like you.
—Blue Realm—
—Chapter One: February 18th in the Library—