Chapter 16: You want Help

“Anak, like I said before, it’s okay to show a bit more of your true feelings to the people who care about you.”

That voice that gently seeps into one’s heart, that soft expression.

And that heart—without a trace of pretense or hypocrisy.

Yes.

Those were precisely the reasons why they were special, and the absolute, unbridgeable difference between them and me.

Lowell was the same.

Truly exceptional people—those who truly hold value—don’t even realize how remarkable they are.

It’s only the common geniuses, those who merely possess talent and skill, who think they’re special.

They may carry a light, but they are, at best, fireflies—relying on their faint glow, intoxicated by it, mocking others lost in the dark while pretending they’ve found their own way.

But the truly exceptional, those truly worthy, don’t think of themselves as special.

They are the sun.

Darkness does not exist around them.

They radiate their brilliance, drive away the dark, and pave a path to themselves.

And yet they do not understand why they are so special.

Because in their eyes, everyone else shines just as brightly.

“You haven’t changed at all, have you, senior?”

That’s why I can never reveal what’s inside me.

If I did, they would eventually illuminate even the darkest parts of me—and see everything hidden there.

“You’re still blindingly radiant.”

There’s a big difference between vaguely sensing something and confronting it in full clarity.

Even if seeing my petty darkness didn’t drastically change how they act or how we relate, it would never be the same again.

To me, their eyes are beautiful mirrors that glorify my reflection.

The idealized version of myself reflected in their brilliant eyes is the best I can ever hope to become—and the truest guide I can follow.

The moment that image changes—the moment I see my raw, unfiltered self through their eyes—I too will see the truth and lose my way.

“…That’s more painful to hear than any rejection I’ve ever gotten from you, Anak.”

He said quietly, looking at me with eyes filled with sadness and regret.

I knew that look.

During the last war, whenever I had to settle for the title of “Strategist of the Second Best Path.”

Medluf and Lauti would look at me just like that.

***

But then, as he quietly stared at me, his expression shifted.

He picked up his cup and drank all the remaining liquor in one go.

There had still been quite a bit left.

Normally, he’d never do something like that.

But after downing every last drop, he smiled brightly and spoke in a cheerful voice.

“But that’s okay. Even if you never change, we’ll always be by your side.”

Exactly.

That’s what makes you so painfully radiant.

“That’s too gracious of you.”

We?

Did he mean himself and Lowell?

“Though, I’d prefer to be your lover rather than just a friend.”

…If only you were a woman instead.

Just then, there was a faint noise outside and suddenly a clear bell rang.

“Ah, come in!”

Oh, it was the door chime.

At Julian’s permission, the curtain lifted and the man who had first guided me in entered, bowing.

“What is it?”

“Yes, it’s just that…”

He kept glancing my way, clearly uneasy.

Probably worried about how his earlier behavior might seem now that he knew who I was and my relationship with Julian.

Honestly, he didn’t need to worry.

He hadn’t been rude at all—if anything, by my standards, he’d handled things quite well.

“We’ve prepared the payment for the horses Anak brought, but we’re unsure how to present it…”

He lifted the curtain slightly and pointed behind him—there was a wooden box that looked heavy even from a glance.

He opened it slightly, revealing it was full of white coins used in the Twelve Kingdoms and the Two Empires.

“Apologies. Since it’s a private transaction, cash is the standard, so we prepared it this way…”

Horses are indeed expensive animals.

Especially well-trained ones.

But still… that much?

As far as I recall, those white coins hold considerable value.

Not quite like silver or gold coins, but still—just a pouch of those would be enough for a commoner to live modestly for a month.

And this was a whole chest?

Had the currency value changed?

“Should I prepare a promissory note instead?”

He seemed to misinterpret my hesitation and cautiously observed my reaction.

“No, that’s not necessary. Anak prefers cash.”

Julian reassured him.

“Sorry. Gold or silver coins would’ve been better, but in Amusbian, Pels are the official currency.”

“Pels” referred to those white coins.

“No, that’s fine… but have horses gotten this expensive recently?”

“Hm? This is about average these days. After the last war, most quality studs were lost, so prices went up. For premium horses, this is standard.”

…Looks like I made a great decision.

If I’d just released them or fed them to Thanathors Apollydon, I’d be kicking myself now.

“Then I’ll have them loaded on a cart and hitched to the horse for easy transport.”

“Ah, and while you’re at it, prepare a few containers of Antares too. I’m gifting them.”

“Understood, Miss.”

The man bowed respectfully and left the tent.

I found myself thinking about how he’d managed to bring that heavy box in without making a sound.

As the curtain fell again, there really had been no sound at all.

Not just quiet—complete silence.

The distance from the entrance wasn’t far, and the curtain was just cloth.

At least the coins should’ve clinked, or I should’ve heard something dragging.

“Don’t tell me… is this whole tent under a soundproofing spell?”

“Yep. I asked the Mage Workshop at the Tower of Sages in Mendul to set it up.”

As expected of the Tower of Sages.

Military soundproof tents usually have complex runes covering the fabric, but this one had nothing visible at all.

The craftsmanship was impressive.

“So, basically, no one outside can hear what we do in here.”

Stop speaking in that tone and with that look in your eyes, please.

“…You don’t have to react that strongly.”

Ah.

I’d instinctively flinched.

“So please, keep the jokes to a minimum, Senior.”

“Alright, I will.”

He tilted the bottle and filled my cup again.

I’d only taken small sips, but somehow it was nearly empty.

“But Anak, really—what’s going on? Why’d you suddenly show up in Amusbian to sell horses?”

His gaze had changed. It was still warm and gentle, but now much more composed—demanding I speak the truth.

“You didn’t bring Lowell, and you’ve hidden your identity. That’s not something you’d do lightly.”

“I never hid my identity. I just…”

“Didn’t reveal it. And it wasn’t just to hide from me, was it?”

He cut me off at the perfect moment.

He blocked my attempt to gather my thoughts, to settle my mind and respond properly.

I had no choice but to steady myself and try to keep my eyes from wavering.

“You’re making that serious face again.”

That must’ve been a mistake.

I don’t usually make these kinds of mistakes any

more.Could it be that I’m already tipsy after just a few sips of alcohol?

“Is it another one of those painful things you’re keeping to yourself?”

I’d missed my chance to lie.

He already knew.

That pitiful gaze, that voice — they had already trapped me.

“It’s not like that.”

But he didn’t believe me.

“I’m just trying to finish something I left undone, that’s all.”

I forced a smile.

Not to deceive him or change the subject — it was a white flag.

A silent plea for him not to ask anymore.

“…Alright, I get it.”

As expected, he sensed what I meant and didn’t push further.

However…

“But Anak, have you ever thought about this? That maybe, whatever the reason you came here, the reason you keep talking about this stuff and can’t hide it well… maybe deep down inside, some part of you is hoping for help. Maybe your heart is crying out — saying you’ve done nothing wrong, that you don’t want to be in pain.”

“…”

I couldn’t say anything.

Yeah, maybe that’s it.

Maybe that is the most reasonable explanation for these uncharacteristic decisions I’ve been making.

Yes.

And what’s so wrong about that?

For someone as weak and flawed as me to instinctively cling to suns, to light — it’s only natural.

But even if that’s true, it’s still just proof of my weakness and foolishness.

Maybe asking for help from Lowell or Julian would be the right thing to do.

They’d surely resolve this in a much more beautiful and peaceful way than I ever could.

They always did — no matter the issue.

But not this time.

This issue must not be resolved beautifully or peacefully.

If it were, Lowell or Julian would have to suffer more than I ever could, or taint their radiance and righteousness with a trace of contradiction.

That must never happen.

They must remain forever pure and just.

Not even the slightest shadow or contradiction should touch them.

Those shadows, those contradictions — they are mine to bear.

“…”

……

“I—”

After that, we just looked at each other in silence.

His lips parted now and then, like he was about to say something, but in the end, he never spoke.

Much later, a message came that Antares and the boxes were loaded onto the cart.

He stood up.

“I was really glad to see you again today, Anak. I mean that. But I think this is where we stop for now.”

His eyes wavered slightly with regret, but his demeanor was firm.

“…It was good to see you too, senior.”

I also stood and gave him a light bow.

It felt strange.

Leaving early was better if I wanted to make it on time, and I didn’t even come here to see him in the first place…

But being dismissed like this still left an unpleasant feeling.

“Then, until next time.”

It wasn’t entirely a hollow farewell.

From what I’d seen today, as long as we didn’t have to share a room at night, meeting like this wouldn’t be too much of a problem.

“Yeah, next time I’ll come to you. I should check in on Lowell too.”

Hopefully, he won’t show up in a skirt.

Not that Lowell would be the one most shocked — if he even joked around like that near Lowell, Aegina’s iron fist would likely slam into Lowell’s gut before anyone could even explain the situation.

I smiled faintly and gave him one last nod before leaving the tent.