It was a new week, and the atmosphere in the office was worlds apart from Friday.
My colleagues sat in front of their computers, dazed, seemingly reminiscing about the wonderful weekend that had just passed.
I was different, sporting dark circles under my eyes.
To process the new workload as quickly as possible, my fingers never stopped tapping against the keyboard.
Today, I was going to settle the matter that had been troubling me for many days.
With that determination, I quickly finished the morning draft.
The moment I clicked send, I let out a long sigh of relief.
Now I had some free time.
I opened the company’s communication software, handled a few help requests from colleagues, and then opened Mo You’s chat box.
My fingers hovered over the keyboard.
‘How should I say this?’
I quietly turned my head.
Beside me, Mo You was diligently handling her work.
Regardless of the day of the week, she always dealt with everything with such focus and composure.
There were many times when she was still in the office after everyone else had left work; that door had hardly been opened all day.
‘Is it okay to ask her about personal matters during work hours?’
“Mo You, I have something I want to talk to you about in private. Are you free during the lunch break?”
This sentence, which I had typed long ago, sat there for a while before I finally sent it.
I waited until the lunch break began.
When I saw her close the manuscript she was editing, I hurriedly pressed enter.
Fortunately, she had the habit of checking her messages before leaving, and she successfully saw the sentence.
I breathed a sigh of relief, waiting for her reply.
However, along with the sound of her chair moving, the “click-clack” of her high heels faded ruthlessly into the distance.
‘Huh? Did she not reply to me?’
I confirmed the dialogue box countless times and even leaned over to check if the network cable was plugged in tightly.
I confirmed that she had not replied to me.
How awkward…
My colleagues left one after another.
A few invited me to eat with them, but I wasn’t in the mood and hurriedly declined.
Just as the office became quiet and I was so dejected that I collapsed onto the desk, someone tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around.
Mo You was right behind me, still carrying her high heels in her hand, winking at me.
“Mo — “
Before I could make a sound, she made a “hush” gesture and pointed toward the door, signaling for me to follow her.
It wasn’t until we walked out of the company and onto the bustling commercial street that she spoke.
“Originally, it wasn’t good for us to meet in private, especially today since there are many colleagues staying in the office for a nap. It would have disturbed them. Don’t let it happen again.”
“I didn’t think it through, I’m sorry.”
She simply shook her head to signal her forgiveness and led me all the way to the exit of the street, walking into a fairly well-known Japanese casual dining restaurant.
“What do you want to eat? This meal is on me. Your state hasn’t been right lately, so consider this some encouragement.”
“I couldn’t possibly…”
Facing her gentle but unquestionable smile, I had no choice but to accept her kindness.
Eating the steaming foreign cuisine while the heater “whirred” in my ears, my body couldn’t help but relax.
In recent days, my heart had never been as peaceful as it was now.
“I really like this shop. It seems to have a magic that can calm people down.”
She ate the last rice ball and used a small mirror to wipe a grain of rice from the corner of her mouth.
“Yeah, this is my first time eating foreign food. It tastes great. Thank you for bringing me here. I’ll work hard.”
I wiped my mouth, feeling the aura around her become friendly.
She leaned her chin on her hand and looked at me, her brown eyes filled with a sense of urgency.
“What is it that you wanted to talk to me about so badly in private?”
“This… it’s about my personal business.”
“Go on.”
She sat up straight, not showing a hint of resistance, but rather appearing very interested.
“This job of mine was recommended by someone. Someone used a very rare red pen to circle the recruitment information for this position in a newspaper, then placed it at my doorstep, sliding it through the crack under the door.”
“Hmph? Who do you think recommended it?”
Her slightly teasing tone was clearly hinting at something.
My guess was right after all.
“I… the last time I had your red pen, I tried it myself and confirmed that the red circle on the newspaper was drawn by it. Moreover, you’ve always taken care of me, and I’m very grateful for that, so…”
‘It was you who recommended it, right? Why did you recommend me?’
“How disappointing.”
Seeing my hesitation to state the conclusion, she spoke up and interrupted.
‘Eh?’
“I wasn’t the one who recommended this job to you. However, your hard work deserves recognition, and your guess is reasonable. If you think a bit deeper, once you think of the person with the most possibility, it couldn’t be me. Li Mingshan, you are a smart man.”
“What… what do you mean?”
Did she mean my guess was half right and half wrong?
Or did she already see through the fact that I was actually…
“You definitely understand in your heart that I have no motive to recommend you for the job. Even if your face is decent and you speak well, right?”
So that was it… No wonder she had said things like “I don’t believe you” back then.
It was to exclude the slightly absurd motive that “she had a good impression of me.”
She was forcing me to overlook her.
But I had still identified her, and I intended to persist.
“But, that red circle was drawn by you, right? The newspaper as well…”
“Is this all you wanted to ask in your heart? Then I’ll answer you: I did it. If this is all you wanted to ask, we can go back now.”
“Wait…! Wait…”
I subconsciously stood up, stopping her as she packed her things to leave.
‘What on earth does she know? To what extent does she understand me? Why even…’
“You’re doing well in this job, and you’re living a good life with the girl at home. You’re still lying to yourself. You definitely know who is most likely to have done this. Is it because of morality? Or guilt? You even asked me out alone, didn’t you? You should know that emotions cannot solve any problems.”
Those sentences, which sounded so calm, were like sharp swords piercing into the depths of my heart, exposing my true guess that had been hidden amidst “comfort,” “morality,” and “guilt.”
“An Zhi.”
My voice was trembling.
“Is it… An Zhi?”
At this moment, I truly stepped out of my comfort zone, letting my fragile soul be exposed to a crisis-ridden unknown area.
“Phew — finally.”
She let out a long sigh and sat back in her chair, tacitly accepting my answer.
I had guessed it long ago.
From the moment An Zhi stopped helping me pay the rent, I had been praying uneasily that she must not have given up on me; she would definitely still help me; she would eventually come back to see me.
I kept waiting, constantly sending resumes to “respectable companies” so she wouldn’t see my pathetic state when she returned.
But she didn’t come.
After successive failures, I worked desperately at low-paying freelance writing jobs so she wouldn’t see that I couldn’t even afford to eat well when she returned.
But she didn’t come.
When I couldn’t pay the rent and ended up on the streets, I no longer hoped for her to return.
Because I was no longer there, and I didn’t want her to see me having become a vagrant.
I thought that if she saw me, she would definitely mock me, belittle me, and leave me.
Even though I knew very well she wouldn’t do that, I still used it as an excuse to escape.
She definitely wouldn’t come back —
After that, Su Xixia’s arrival and everything she did for me allowed me to use them to consolidate the idea of escaping in my heart, until I buried “An Zhi” in the deepest part of my soul and marked it as a “forbidden zone.”
The heater “whirred,” and two streams of scalding heat flowed across my warm face.
When Su Xixia handed me the newspaper, I guessed it was An Zhi’s doing.
But I would rather it had been Su Xixia’s doing, and after that, things spiraled out of control…
The moment I first crawled into Su Xixia’s arms seeking physical satisfaction, I had a new reason to escape.
I betrayed An Zhi, and I thought that from then on, I would never have the face to see her again.
I pretended to be indulged in Su Xixia’s body, seeking satisfaction from her time and again, sinking deeper and deeper.
Every time I came back from work, I used her care to wash away the “guilt” accumulated during work, and I even became accustomed to it, starting to want a new life.
Whenever I truly intended to forget An Zhi, someone would always appear, emphasizing that she had once been there, insisting on pulling her out from the depths of my heart.
Until I saw her with my own eyes… seeing her saddened profile felt like a knife twisting in my heart.
Even a few minutes ago, I was still lying to myself.
Even though I sensed her existence was getting closer and closer, about to break through the surface, I still thought about covering it up.
Face to face with Mo You sitting across from me, her sharp gaze shattered my final disguise, forcing me to acknowledge An Zhi’s existence.
She hadn’t given up on me.
She had been here all along —