“Here. Have some orange juice.”
Gu Fan poured a full glass, unwrapped a straw, and pushed it toward me across the table.
“Ah—um! Thank you.”
I clutched the cup a little nervously and took a small sip.
We were sitting on the couch in the living room. Gu Fan screwed the lid back on the juice bottle, looking at me with amused curiosity.
“W-what is it?”
I was so nervous I started stammering… My gaze darted everywhere except at him.
“Mm… I just wanted to ask, Zhi Nian, what brings you over to my place all of a sudden? Last time you came was… six years ago, right?”
Six years? Has it really been that long? Time really does slip away before you even notice, lost in a fog of everyday life.
The living room in Gu Fan’s house still had the same simple decor, but if you looked closely, everything was neatly arranged—each item both functional and pleasant to the eye.
There was a quiet warmth in every corner.
And… how could I know that?
Because I’d always dreamed of having a home like this.
“So… are you here to study with me?”
Seeing me lost in thought and not responding, Gu Fan took a guess and glanced at the backpack on my back.
“Ah, right. I came to review with you.”
In truth, I didn’t really need help with my studies—at least not badly enough to justify this visit. I just couldn’t come up with any better excuse.
If only I could just come out and apologize directly—it’d be so much easier.
But for someone like me, doing that felt more painful than cramming for exams.
“But… we’re only in the first semester.”
As expected… Gu Fan was suspicious.
I timidly looked up at him. His eyes were full of curiosity, like he was trying to figure out what strange toy I was hiding.
From a normal person’s perspective, I was probably acting super weird, wasn’t I? So it’s only natural he’d be curious.
But being stared at like this by Gu Fan made it unbearable.
“Hm… so Zhi Nian’s actually a hardworking little student, huh?”
Not sure if Gu Fan had noticed how flustered I was, but he rested his chin in his hand and nodded seriously.
“Ah? Uh—mm.”
I froze for a moment. After all, I’d never thought of myself as a ‘good kid’.
But I quickly caught on—Gu Fan was giving me an easy out. So I mumbled and nodded vaguely in agreement.
“If you don’t want to miss a single knowledge point, then let’s get started.”
Gu Fan grabbed his schoolbag from beside him. I mimicked his movements and unzipped mine—
And then… I sensed a sudden hesitation in his actions.
“By the way, Zhi Nian, what exactly do you want to study?”
“Uh, um…”
Crap. I’d been so focused on using ‘studying’ as my excuse, I completely forgot to think about what subject I was supposed to study—let alone what specific topic.
I awkwardly scratched my cheek. The cat ears on my head felt like something was pressing them down—they trembled nervously against my scalp.
My tail, too, stood stiff and straight, mirroring my mood: hanging mid-air, tense and unmoving.
What do I do, what do I do?
I glanced into my bag—
And my eyes went wide.
I forgot I’m the kind of lazy middle-of-the-pack student who only studies at school. I almost never bring textbooks or notes home, so my backpack was practically empty.
It always felt nice and light before.
Now that I actually need books… I regretted it instantly.
“What’s wrong?”
Gu Fan’s voice snapped me out of my daze.
“Ah… um, I forgot to bring my textbook.”
Might as well be honest… Compared to spinning a lie and trying to patch it up constantly, telling the truth didn’t seem so bad.
Besides, it felt wrong—impossible, even—to lie to someone as sincere as Gu Fan.
My conscience wouldn’t let me.
“Oh, haha.”
Gu Fan probably hadn’t encountered a fool like me before—coming over to study without even bringing a book. He chuckled and stood up.
“Which subject do you want to go over? I’ve got all the textbooks in my room.”
“…Math, I guess. I still don’t really get it.”
“I’m good at this. Just give me a sec—we’ll go through it together.”
I was sitting near the entryway when Gu Fan walked past and gave my shoulder a light pat.
I flinched instinctively.
Together… as in shoulder-to-shoulder?
What once seemed like casual closeness now suddenly felt foreign—
Because now, I was in a female body. And wasn’t there that saying? Men and women shouldn’t touch casually…?
Realizing this, my mind immediately filled with scenes I had no business imagining, and before I could stop it, a wave of shame washed over me.
I quickly looked around the living room, trying to calm myself by focusing on something—anything—else.
And that’s when I saw something unusual in Gu Fan’s bag.
“…A medical file?”
I muttered aloud the words that appeared before me.
His schoolbag was wide open, and tucked inside was a thick white folder.
Seeing the healthy, vibrant Gu Fan now—contrasted with my memories of him as someone doomed to die young—shook me so hard I had nearly forgotten.
But this… this medical file dragged me back to reality.
I need to know what’s written in there.
Before I even realized it, I was already seated next to his bag. My fingers, trembling yet firm, reached toward the folder.
I knew full well that going through someone else’s belongings was wrong.
But I had to know—was Gu Fan really sick?
This would decide how I treated him.
If he was fine… I’d choose to stay away and let him live his high school days happily.
But if he was still sick… then I’d stay by his side for whatever time he had left.
His name was printed right on the file. I flipped a few pages—
Clack, clack.
Footsteps echoed down the hallway.
I hadn’t even gotten a proper look before I was forced to shove the file back into the bag.
“Hm? What’s up? Do you want tea?”
Gu Fan asked when he saw me sitting at the coffee table.
“Ah, haha, no… I mean, kind of, yeah.”
I said something completely contradictory and instantly regretted it.
I wanted to smack myself, but all I could do was keep a polite smile and nod like a fool.
Gu Fan placed the math textbook in front of me, then smoothly began washing the teaware and preparing the leaves.
Thank god, thank god.
He didn’t seem to suspect a thing.
I pressed a hand against my chest, trying to quiet my heart that was pounding all the way up in my throat.
“…Out of water.”
Gu Fan tilted the kettle and frowned—only a thin layer of water remained.
“Uh, hey!”
Finally, something I could help with.
I didn’t want to just sit here being waited on like a useless guest—and maybe I also wanted to make up for secretly going through his stuff.
I stood up abruptly.
But when Gu Fan looked at me in surprise, all my bravado instantly deflated.
“Um… I’ll go fill the kettle.”
“You still remember where to fill it?”
“O-of course! I know your house like the back of my hand!”
I blurted out that boast automatically—like bragging could somehow lend me courage.
And to some extent, it worked. For just a moment, I managed to ignore Gu Fan’s gaze.
Taking the kettle from him, I hurried off to the kitchen sink.
Pshhhhhh—
Filtered water poured steadily into the kettle.
And with every inch it filled, the courage I had scraped together slowly drained away.
Being in someone else’s house was already hard enough.
It was fine when I was alone in the kitchen, but going back—
Going back into that room where someone was waiting—
That was the real challenge. It meant bracing myself all over again for that awful tension.
I was scared.
Scared of being looked at by Gu Fan.
Was this what people meant by ‘scopophobia‘?
The water overflowed and splashed coldly onto the back of my hand, snapping me out of my daze.
I turned off the tap and poured out the excess into the drain.
I’d helped fill the kettle here before—back in elementary school.
What was it like back then?
I vaguely remembered Gu Fan’s mom smiling and showing me how to do it, standing right beside me.
Ah… Just earlier, I had thought how nice it was that his parents weren’t home.
Now, I kind of missed them.
Frustrated, I ran a hand over the cat ears on my head.
My tail dragged along the cold floor, limp and defeated.
Forget it. I’d made the mess—I had to clean it up.
Clutching the kettle, I squinted and began walking slowly back to the living room, guided only by the fuzzy light.
My socks picked up every subtle change in the floor’s texture.
The closer I got, the more afraid I became of opening my eyes.
Then—
Slip—!
Something changed beneath my feet.
My balance vanished instantly.
I forced my eyes open, but all I saw was the ceiling spinning.
Panicked, I gripped the kettle tightly with both hands, desperate not to let it crash to the floor.
“UWAHH!”
Ow…
Today had been especially painful.
Whether it was the mat’s cushioning or just my butt being extra soft, I ended up dazed, sprawled on the floor, in a pain that felt ten times sharper than it should’ve.
The kettle had fallen beside me.
Thanks to the mat and a tightly sealed lid, only a tiny bit of water had spilled out.
“Zhi Nian! Are you hurt?!”
Gu Fan’s face loomed above mine, snapping me out of my daze.
“Ah… ah…”
I screwed up.
I couldn’t do anything right.
I was a complete and utter failure.
Dark thoughts crowded my mind, blotting out everything until it felt like my eyes were covered in blackout cloth.
“Hm? Well, if you’re like this, I guess you’re probably fine?”
Gu Fan pressed down gently on my shoulder, looking me over from every angle, but didn’t seem to spot any injuries.
Then he smiled—like this was just another funny mishap.
Casually, like he was brushing leaves off a bush, he reached out and ruffled my cat ears.
“Mnngh!!”
A red, scorching burst of heat exploded in my brain.
And the next moment—I was gone.
I bolted out of Gu Fan’s house.
Just socks on my feet.
I didn’t even grab my schoolbag.
I felt a brief flicker of guilt when I pushed his hand away—
But that was instantly swallowed by a wave of indescribable shame.
🍿🍿🍿