Chapter 4: The Day of Calling Stars (3)

A white hat…

“Does she come here often?” Somehow Lingyin’s appearance just rose in my mind like that.

I suddenly stood up from the desk and nearly flung myself in front of Miss Administrator, but I still controlled my excitement and quietly waited for her reply.

Perhaps startled by me standing up so suddenly, she likewise paused, thought, then said to me, “Not… that often, actually… A lot of the time it’s Monday mornings, when there are the fewest people.

“Though there isn’t much difference between when there are the fewest people and when there are the most.”

Miss Administrator always mixed a few parts of self-mockery into her words.

I had long grown used to that, but her words still made me feel a bit excited.

Could it be that Lingyin had really come back?

Monday…

Monday—wasn’t that tomorrow?

But why Monday?

[10:00]

Ten o’clock sharp.

Then today, should I still keep waiting here?

That thought rose in my heart, as if reunion were about to arrive.

Once I had that thought, every second of waiting in the library suddenly felt like sitting on pins and needles.

Actually how I wanted to just go back like this, sleep today away in one go, and come to the library tomorrow.

But today was the promised day after all.

If it really was you, and you came today too, then wouldn’t I miss you again.

Clearly, clearly I wanted to wait here like this, had already waited so many days.

Clearly, clearly I felt I had long grown used to waiting.

Sure enough, the taste of waiting was still very hard to bear.

One minute, two minutes, ten minutes…

Half an hour, one hour, two hours…

When the fine rain outside the window had at some unknown point wet the curtains and left trails of water on the glass, someone gently closed the window and came to my side. “Um… sorry. It’s closing time. I have to get off work.”

***

It was already this late.

I had actually fallen asleep on the table without realizing it.

Opening blurry eyes, Miss Administrator’s smiling face was lit through under the lights.

She wore a pair of black glasses and still held a stack of books in her arms.

Actually in this library few people visited, there was hardly anyone who would mess up the placement of the books—she was probably also simply someone who liked to read.

A pale blue blanket slid from my shoulders and landed on the back of the chair.

I looked up at her.

She looked at me too.

“Ah, sorry. I drew pretty late last night. Look at me, I even fell asleep.” 

Saying this I reached back for the blanket and stood up from the chair.

The librarian took the blanket from my hands and still smiled. 

“It’s fine. But if you sleep here it’s easy to catch a chill. Better go home and sleep.”

“Mm… that’s true.”

For ordinary people she would probably find it hard to understand that I would wait for one person, persist for so many years.

Perhaps she simply did not understand why I always came here at the same time.

Perhaps she had long forgotten that there had once been a blind girl who also waited here week after week.

Or perhaps she had never even met that blind girl.

Yes.

Even I had forgotten whether this librarian had been in this library at all when I was with Lingyin.

“Speaking of which.” 

Just as I turned to leave through the main doors, she suddenly called me from behind.

“Mm, what is it?”

“Ah, nothing.” 

She seemed to hesitate a moment, then pointed toward the entrance. 

“There’s an umbrella over there. A guest left it a long time ago, but he never came to take it. He probably forgot.

“You take it. The rain outside isn’t heavy, but rain in this season is pretty cold.”

“Mm… o-okay.” I did not know what I was expecting.

Actually for an instant I had truly thought she would bring up Lingyin.

Saying this I followed the direction of her finger, picked up the black umbrella in the corner, and waved at her. 

“Thanks. I’ll go first then. See you tomorrow.”

“Ah, mm… see you tomorrow?”

Yes.

See you tomorrow.

Tomorrow was Monday, wasn’t it.

How long could one person wait for another, endure loneliness for another?

Actually I did not know either.

Although at this moment my heart was full of expectation for tomorrow, expecting that the girl Miss Administrator had mentioned was Lingyin.

But over these years I had had countless expectations, and also countless disappointments.

Countless feelings of déjà vu also made me try hard to restrain my expectations.

Sometimes expectation was only something reality would mercilessly shatter…

But I was still willing to hold onto that tiny bit of expectation.

Another night.

Another rainy day.

The bus still ran beneath the orange streetlamps.

The instant the vehicle started I reached out and wiped the fog from the window, looked back toward the stop.

But it was only an empty platform.

In the rainy night the streetlamp light was hazy and dim.

A leaf followed the rain threads under the light and fell into a puddle by the road.

The bus hardly stopped the whole way.

When we passed lively places, the passengers getting on and off beside me gradually vanished into the city’s glow under the rainy night.

The feeling of the bus starting, the feeling of braking, and from time to time the hiss— of the doors opening beside my ear—everything made me drowsy and muddled.

At times I felt I could not blend into this city, even though this was the hometown I had lived in for years.

Actually in university I had made one or two friends, and had even thought of starting a real romance like a certain classmate.

But when I truly stood in front of him thinking I might as well just step toward a new beginning like this, I realized—if it is not you, I truly cannot accept it.

I cannot accept a reality like that.

I was only willing to wait for you, because I really, really liked you.

Even if it was only waiting.

Some thoughts were only human nature, but in the end the days of thinking of you, the days of searching for fragments of you and my memory, were what let me feel most at ease.

Hopeless me had only this one wish.

I had already forgotten how I got home.

The motion of opening the diary and picking up the fountain pen had almost been carved into my bones, become a subconscious act.

I looked up at the few printed drawings pinned to the whiteboard on the wall with magnet clips.

One hand cupping my chin, the other on the desk, I just looked at her like that.

She had long pink hair and wore a long white dress.

It was stuck in the most conspicuous place on the whiteboard.

The warm white light of the hanging lamp on the screen lit one corner of the whiteboard and laid a naturally slanted light across this girl.

I gently pulled open the drawer.

The most recent time I had drawn Lingyin had been last month.

No matter how many times I drew her, she was still always the way she was in my memory.

Long pink hair, wearing a white dress, wearing a soft, beautiful smile.

Even now I still wondered, if Lingyin opened her eyes, what color would they be?

The color I was most satisfied with was still one clear and gentle as amber.