After that night, the feelings Zheng Yang couldn’t quite name or understand never really dissipated.
It wasn’t pain.
It was… softness.
Like something had melted inside her chest, warm and gentle, flowing through her veins to every limb.
She’d felt something similar before, but this time, it was different.
She didn’t know if it was hormones acting up before her period, or the lingering warmth from Zheng Shiqiang’s “real daughter” and the stack of red bills.
Or maybe both.
All she knew was that when she woke up the next morning, looking at the three packs of sanitary pads on the table, her heart wasn’t so panicked anymore.
‘It’s just a period. Let it come if it wants to.’
‘What’s meant to come will come.’
Had she come to terms with it?
That wasn’t quite right.
It was more like… she’d been caught.
Zheng Shiqiang’s laughter, the money, the egg-fried rice, and that “Congratulations to our Director Zheng for finally becoming a real little girl”…
All of it, like a soft net, caught her steadily as she was falling into emotional panic.
‘So love really can nourish a person.’
Including the little girl’s heart inside her that had never really grown up, never fully blossomed.
Two days later, in the afternoon, it was the second swimming class of the semester.
The first had been held indoors.
The psychology teacher spent half an hour on swimming theory, then another half hour on “body and shame,” basically telling everyone, especially the girls, to reject swimsuit shame.
Then she led them to the pool and spent another half hour on-site explaining.
The “body and shame” part was the most important, but Zheng Yang had been distracted then, thinking that stuff was too childish for a 38-year-old soul.
But today, standing in front of the locker in the changing room, holding the school-issued swimsuit, she suddenly remembered what the psychology teacher had said.
“What is shame? Shame is when you think you’re not good enough, not normal, shouldn’t be seen. But your body hasn’t wronged anyone, hasn’t bothered anyone, hasn’t wronged yourself. So why should you be ashamed?”
“If someone stares at your body or laughs at you, that’s their problem, not yours. The ones who should be ashamed are the ones mocking others.”
Zheng Yang had sneered inwardly at the time: ‘This theory is fine for coaxing little kids.’
Now she stood in front of the mirror, looking at herself—
A navy blue one-piece swimsuit, simple cut, hugging her body just right.
Her chest was supported into a soft curve, her waist was cinched, her hips tightly wrapped, lines smooth.
She turned sideways and checked.
Curves in all the right places.
That phrase used to feel like just male fantasy to her, but now it was real on her own body.
But strangely, she wasn’t as panicked as she’d expected.
The swimsuit fabric pressed against her skin, giving her a sense of security like an embrace.
It seemed to tell her:
‘This is your body. It’s beautiful. You don’t need to hide.’
She took a deep breath and walked out of the changing room.
The air by the pool was humid and slightly cool, with a faint smell of disinfectant.
The girls came out in groups of twos and threes, all wearing swim caps as required, most linking arms, their laughter crisp.
Zheng Yang wasn’t linking arms with Wu Chun, but they were still chatting and laughing.
She walked to the edge of the pool, placed her slippers in the designated spot, and stood there waiting for the teacher to call attendance.
Sunlight streamed down from the high glass ceiling, falling on her bare shoulders and arms, warm.
She could feel people looking at her—
Boys’ gazes, girls’ gazes, curious, envious, and some not so friendly.
But she didn’t flinch.
Mostly it was the boys’ stares.
She thought mischievously, ‘Hmph, think of it as a little bonus for you guys.’
Wu Chun stood next to her and whispered, “Yangyang, why are you so calm today? Last time you said you didn’t want to wear a swimsuit.”
“That was last time,” Zheng Yang smiled.
“I hadn’t taken the psychology class yet.”
Wu Chun paused, then laughed.
“True. The psychology class really helped.”
Zheng Yang didn’t tell Wu Chun that what really made her calm wasn’t the psychology class.
It was Zheng Shiqiang’s laughter and egg-fried rice that night.
It was that “real daughter,” that “Zheng Qiuqiu.”
It was that sense of security:
‘No matter what you become, I’ve got your back.’
Of course, she acknowledged the psychology class was useful, especially for teenage boys and girls.
She sighed, thinking this was a good school, and that she, a 38-year-old soul, had learned a lot of great new things.
She thanked Zheng Shiqiang for making sure Siyuan received this kind of education too.
The swimming class content wasn’t anything special, since Zheng Yang already knew how to swim.
She enjoyed watching the other girls enter the water, their graceful figures underwater.
‘My figure should be better than hers.’
As she thought that, a smug smile tugged at her lips.
Then she realized she was comparing her body with other girls and felt embarrassed.
‘I don’t know yet,’ she thought, ‘that when the time comes and I can’t take my eyes off the boys’ bodies, that embarrassment will be several times worse.’
The whole class passed with Zheng Yang lost in her little thoughts.
After class, she went to the changing room like everyone else, rinsed off, dried herself, and changed into her clean school uniform.
But inside her loose uniform, she vaguely missed the feeling of being wrapped in the swimsuit.
She didn’t know if this was normal, if other girls had similar thoughts, or if it was just her—
A halfway-turned girl.
Anyway, she suddenly remembered another thing the psychology teacher had said, and made two decisions.
That phrase was:
“Your body isn’t someone else’s scenery. It’s your own home. You need to move in first, make yourself comfortable. How others see it is their business.”
She used to think it was too artsy and impractical.
Now she thought, ‘That’s absolutely right.’
So her first decision was to try going without a bra.
But she didn’t dare at school.
When she got home that evening, the first thing she did was go into her bedroom, close the door, take off her top, and put the school uniform back on.
The white cotton fabric touched her skin, soft.
Those two small bumps were covered by the fabric, faintly visible.
She looked at herself in the mirror.
You could tell, but it wasn’t very obvious.
Her face flushed.
But she didn’t feel like putting the bra back on.
She took a few steps in front of the mirror.
The crossover collar of the uniform swayed with her movements, outlining her chest more clearly.
It felt strange—
Like doing something wrong, yet like something had been freed.
The constriction of both swimsuit and bra was gone, replaced by the gentle friction of the school uniform fabric.
Without the underwire and marks of the bra, her body breathed freely.
With every step, she could feel the slight bounce of her chest, no longer uncomfortable like during sports, but…
How to put it… like her body was saying hello to her.
‘Hey, I’m here.’
Zheng Yang’s face grew hotter.
She knew that whatever she looked like right now, if anyone saw her, they’d inevitably call her “indecent” or something.
Including Zheng Shiqiang, Wu Chun, and… Siyuan.
But she just felt like something had awakened inside her, tingling and warm, spreading from her chest to her lower belly, then rising back up.
She didn’t dislike it.
In fact, she even wanted to enjoy it.
All evening, she wore it like that while talking and laughing with Zheng Shiqiang.
She also caught the brief flicker of strangeness in her father’s eyes, but Zheng Shiqiang remained the loving dad she knew throughout.
A phrase came to her mind:
“forbidden pleasure.”
She didn’t know if it was appropriate, but it felt about right.
But Zheng Yang only dared to wear it like that at home.
However, “forbidden pleasure” didn’t come in just one form.
That was her second decision:
She wanted to try wearing only the swimsuit under her uniform to school.
The next morning when she got up, she habitually put on her bra, then remembered her decision.
She smiled shyly, took off the bra, and went to the balcony to retrieve the already dried one-piece swimsuit.
She hesitated for three seconds, then put it on.
Whoosh—
A tight constriction, a sense of being wrapped, security, and also shame—
All hit her at once, making Zheng Yang unable to stop.
She walked to the mirror and looked at her chest, firmly supported without jiggling;
Her waist and abdomen cinched, her posture a bit straighter.
Satisfied.
She put on the crossover-collar school uniform, skipping the skirt and wearing light blue long pants instead.
The mostly white top conveniently hid the dark blue underneath.
In the mirror, at first glance, she looked no different than usual.
But she knew.
Under the uniform was not a bra.
It was a swimsuit.
A secret that would make her heart race all day.
“Yangyang! Breakfast time!” Zheng Shiqiang called from the living room.
Zheng Yang took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom.
Zheng Shiqiang glanced at her, didn’t notice anything unusual.
“Why are you up so early today?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
Zheng Yang sat down and picked up her bowl of congee.
She ate very slowly, not because the congee was bad, but because her mind was full of the swimsuit under her uniform.
‘What if someone finds out?’
“Yangyang?”
Zheng Shiqiang waved his hand in front of her face.
“What are you thinking about? The congee’s getting cold. Hey, why are you wearing pants today?”
“Huh? Oh… nothing. Just felt a bit cold.”
Zheng Yang quickly ducked her head and shoveled the congee.
Zheng Shiqiang glanced at her but didn’t press.
When she left the house, Zheng Yang deliberately put on a thin jacket over her shirt.
Not because she was cold, but because she was afraid of exposure.
At school, Wu Chun was already in her seat.
Zheng Yang walked over and sat down, her heart pounding.
“Yangyang, why are you wearing a jacket today? Aren’t you hot?”
Wu Chun asked.
“A bit cold,” Zheng Yang said without changing her expression.
“Oh…”
During the morning classes, Zheng Yang barely listened.
With the jacket on, she wasn’t afraid of being seen through, but the tight feeling of the swimsuit constantly reminded her—
Like she was wearing something shameful.
She started analyzing why she felt “guilty as a thief.”
Maybe it was because it “shouldn’t.”
Under the uniform, you should wear a bra, not a swimsuit.
She had broken the “unspoken rule,” so she felt guilty.
But inside that guilt was mixed an indescribable excitement.
At noon, Wu Chun and her walked hand in hand toward the cafeteria.
On the way, Wu Chun suddenly tightened her grip.
“What’s wrong?”
Zheng Yang asked.
Wu Chun gave her a sly grin.
“What are you wearing underneath?”
“Huh? What else could it be? A bra,” Zheng Yang forced herself to lie.
“Hmph, when you bent down just now, I saw it from your collar,” Wu Chun whispered.
“That edge, that color—it’s a swimsuit, isn’t it?”
Zheng Yang’s face turned bright red.
“You… you can’t tell anyone!”
“I won’t. I just want to ask you—is it exciting?”
“Oh, come on, I’m just trying it, just this once…”
“You haven’t answered me yet. Is it exciting?”
“You’re so annoying!”
“Hahahaha, then I already know!” Wu Chun’s expression was like she had watched a thrilling show.
That evening, when Zheng Yang got home, she changed back into normal clothes.
Today, she had done something she “shouldn’t” have, but she didn’t regret it.
In fact, she was even a little happy.