Chapter 5: Resolving to Become Family

I really love cigarettes.  

I picked up smoking after coming to study abroad, not knowing back then how dangerous it was.

I just followed others, and as I got used to it, it calmed my mind each time I smoked.  

“Sigh…”  

The cigarette I smoked after two days didn’t ease the tightness in my chest as it usually did.  

The thing I always thought would help me felt unusually harsh today.  

I need to quit smoking.  

I kept thinking I should quit, but it was never that easy.  

Strangely, though, the cigarette felt especially toxic today.  

In the end, I held the cigarette in my hand, staring blankly at the sky.  

“…Quit smoking.”  

A sudden voice from behind made me turn my head. Standing there was the girl who introduced herself as Hye-yeon Kang.  

“Oh… sorry.”  

I hurriedly put out the cigarette.  

It wasn’t making me feel better anyway, so even though more than half remained, I stomped it out.  

“Where are Jiyu and Yuri?”  

“They’re taking a walk around with Shin-ae.”  

The funeral preparations took a lot of time.  

With about two hours needed, they were passing the time by wandering nearby.  

Contrary to my assumption that they’d be drowning in grief, the kids were remarkably composed.  

No… they might be hiding it.  

Jiyu, the youngest, didn’t seem to fully grasp her parents’ deaths yet.  

Hye-yeon, as the eldest, seemed to be suppressing her sadness.  

“Um… I have something to ask.”  

I shifted over on the bench to make room.  

Hye-yeon gave a small bow and sat beside me.  

“Go ahead.”  

“…What kind of person was Mom to you?”  

“What kind of person was she…”  

Countless thoughts flooded my mind.  

What was my sister to me?  

So many words passed through my head, but in the end, it came down to one.  

“…A mother.”  

I don’t know what a mother is like.  

Mine passed away when I was too young to remember.  

But I think my sister filled that gap, taking on the role of a mother for me.  

“A mother…?”  

“Yeah. A mother warmer than anyone… and because of that, a mother I had to part with.”  

“Why…? If she was so warm… why part?”  

Her words brought a bitter smile to my face.  

They reminded me of my past self.  

“It was a foolish thought…”  

“ ”  

“I thought that warmth was holding me back from chasing my dreams.”  

It might’ve been too complex or just plain foolish.  

But Hye-yeon looked at me with wide eyes.  

“That’s just how it was. I thought if that warmth stayed with me… I’d settle for reality.”  

That was all it was.  

The reason I ignored my sister’s calls, abandoned my family, and chose to immigrate to Canada.  

It was all to chase my dreams without looking back.  

“Was it worth abandoning that warmth?”  

“Yeah. Back then, it was important to me.”  

“And now…? Is it still important? That dream?”  

Is it still important?  

I don’t know.  

What am I even doing with my life now?  

I can’t write, and I’m barely getting through each day with cigarettes and alcohol.  

My dream… no, what even was my dream?  

I’d completely forgotten.  

What that warmth was, what I gave it up to achieve.  

A writer?  

No. Being a writer was just something I wanted to be. That wasn’t my dream… so what was it?  

I don’t know.  

I was confused.  

Why had I kept running all this time?  

What was it? What was it? What the hell was it?  

My dream… it wasn’t something grand, was it?  

“…Uncle?”  

“Hm?”  

“Are you… okay?”  

“What? I’m fine.”  

“No, I mean… your hand.”  

“My hand?”  

At Hye-yeon’s words, I looked at my hand.  

Tremble, tremble, tremble.  

Seeing my hand shaking like a baby bird, I couldn’t help but be shocked.  

It was the first time this had happened.  

“I-It’s fine. It’s nothing.”  

I hurriedly stuffed my hand into my coat pocket.  

It might’ve seemed rude, but I was too embarrassed to keep it out.  

“Um… about what you said earlier? That your dream was important? I don’t think it is anymore.”  

“Why? Did you achieve it?”  

“No, it’s not that…”  

I gave a bitter smile as I spoke.  

“I forgot what it was.”  

It felt like it had been the driving force of my life, but now I couldn’t remember.  

Like cigarette smoke dissipating, the dream that once soared high now felt like it never existed.  

It was strange.  

It had been so important, yet now I couldn’t recall it.  

“Forgot…”  

Hye-yeon thought for a moment, then looked at me with clear eyes.  

Her piercing gaze, as if seeing into my soul, made me inexplicably nervous.  

“If you remembered that dream… what would you do?”  

What did this kid want to hear?  

It felt like our conversation was stuck in one place.  

“Well… I don’t think I’d chase it anymore.”  

“Your dream… you said it was worth giving up everything for.”  

“But I’m too tired now.”  

They say dreams and goals are different.  

My goal was to become a writer, and I achieved a lot as one.  

But was that my dream? I don’t know.  

Whatever it was, I’m too exhausted now.  

At my honest words, Hye-yeon stared at me for a long time.  

Maybe five minutes passed?  

Then she quietly spoke.  

“…I talked with my sister yesterday.”  

It wasn’t a long talk.  

Even if they talked at length, the conclusion would’ve been the same.  

“But before that, I wanted to talk to you. We… don’t know anything about you.”  

It seemed my sister hadn’t told them about me.  

Their wariness was only natural.  

“But in the end… we realized we need someone to protect us.”  

It was too hard for the kids to protect each other alone.  

There might be people around to help, but no one knew how long that kindness would last.  

They couldn’t keep relying on others, so they decided to face reality.  

“Take us with you. To Canada.”  

I’d asked them to come to Canada that morning.  

But hearing it now, I couldn’t help but worry.  

“Are you… really okay with that?”  

“Yes. We’ve decided. We want to go with you. To Canada.”  

Hye-yeon’s voice was filled with firm resolve, and I nodded.  

“…Alright. Let’s go together.”  

I looked up at the sky.  

Compared to Canada’s vast sky, I used to think Korea’s was nothing special.  

That was my foolish thinking.  

The sky I saw as a child… wasn’t it wider than anything?  

Though the sky’s color was murkier now compared to back then, I grew up looking at Korea’s sky.  

Roots…  

Born on this land, I grew up gazing at the high sky, and even living in another country, the sky always followed me.  

Roots aren’t the land… but what our parents let us hold onto.  

Hye-yeon said they needed someone to protect her and her sisters.  

The family that protects us is the earth holding our roots, and the sky might just be the canopy shielding our growth.  

“It’s time. Let’s go send your mom off.”  

“…Yes.”  

Like it was watching over us, the lofty sky was always above us.  

As if taking my sister’s place, who could no longer protect her family… the sky kept watching us.  

Forever…  On the bus back to the funeral parlor from the crematorium, we had planned to enshrine my sister at the columbarium with her husband, but since we decided to go to Canada, the plan changed.  

We’d take both my sister’s and her husband’s urns to Canada.  

What was my sister thinking… at the end?  

She didn’t leave a will.  

That was only natural.  

Dying suddenly at such a young age, she couldn’t leave any words for her precious family.  

But she always said one thing like a habit.  

“Let’s be happy…”  

No matter how hard, painful, or sad things were, she always carried the words “be happy” on her lips.  

Can I… make her kids happy in her place?  

I looked at the urn in my hands.  

Wrapped in a delicate cloth, it wasn’t heavy, nor was it light.  

But it felt heavier than anything I’d ever held.  

Responsibility… maybe.  

The kids I’d have to take responsibility for from now on.  

I glanced back at their faces.  

“Mom… sob, sob, sob…”  

“ ”  

“Unnie? Sniff… Why’re you crying? Don’t cry… Jiyu will hug you.”  

Hye-yeon was holding back her tears, while Yuri couldn’t hide her sadness.  

Jiyu, not fully understanding death, tilted her head at Yuri’s tears.  

At the crematorium, they’d been composed, but as the final moment approached, they couldn’t hold back their grief.  

Sis… can I do this well?  

Could I bear all their sadness?  

Could I lead their futures?  

Could I meet their expectations?  

I should’ve tried harder to connect with people…  

I regretted it.  

I’d focused only on writing, avoiding people.  

I never thought I’d regret it, but coming to Korea, I was overwhelmed with regrets.  

Father…  

Suddenly, I thought of him.  

My relationship with him wasn’t that bad.  

Compared to scary Grandpa, it was natural to follow Dad.  

Did Father… have regrets too?  

The father who opposed my dreams.  

Did he regret it?  

Was this… how he felt back then?  

I felt suffocated.  

I hated myself for being so helpless.  

I wanted to say something, but I was afraid of hurting them if I spoke carelessly.  

I hated the current me and wanted to escape.  

But I couldn’t.  

“Mom… Mom… sob, sob, sob… I miss you…”  

Clench…  

At Yuri’s cries, I tightened my fists on my knees.  

It’s not about whether I can do it. I have to do it, you idiot…  

I couldn’t keep trembling in fear forever.  

The kids, despite their own fears, said they’d follow me.  

Even in an environment where they had no choice but to trust me, they chose to believe in me.  

I couldn’t stay pathetic.  

Sis.  

I’ll make sure the kids are happy, just as you wished.  

I quietly hugged my sister’s urn.