Chapter 59: Emotional Deterioration

Time… once you start paying attention to it, it slows down.
Like a snail carrying a heavy shell, it crawls sluggishly through the river of time.
This is what the ticking of the second hand on a clock really shows.

But when you’ve stared at it long enough — so long that its slow movement actually calms your restless heart and you feel ready to look away and do something else — it suddenly bolts off in secret, sprinting ahead.
In the blink of an eye, ten minutes have passed before you even realize it.

I can’t say whether I actually wanted to stare at the clock and stuff my memory with meaningless images of the ticking second hand,
or if I was hoping to preserve more of the precious moments I had with Gu Fan.

Right now, what I want most… is just to get a good night’s sleep.

Lying face-down on a desk covered in test papers, I drooped my cat ears, bored out of my mind, gently biting the tip of my tail to soothe the emptiness in my heart with that tingling sensation.

Last night, even after I got home, I couldn’t stop replaying the things Shiratori had said.
Using her words as a starting point, I spun up all kinds of messy fantasies until my brain completely wore out and crashed.
Only then did I finally stop.

It felt like I had barely slept before the alarm went off.
When I looked in the mirror while getting ready in the bathroom, I noticed faint dark circles under my eyes.
Ugh, so annoying…
And I regretted thinking about so many pointless things.
Now I’ve gone and made myself look worse.

I took the mirror out of my drawer again, tugged at my eyelids, and checked the dark circles.
Hmm… maybe they’ve faded a bit?

Whatever. Sleep is more important.
A nap will help me recover.
If I go see Gu Fan like this, I’ll just embarrass myself.

After putting the mirror back, I laid my head on the desk again.
There’s no math this morning anyway, so skipping it isn’t a big deal.

With my eyes shut and the teacher’s voice in the background, I waited and waited… but the drowsiness never really came.
Still, my mind remained weighed down with an inescapable exhaustion.

So frustrating…
Wanting to sleep but feeling no sleepiness at all — it’s torture.

My arm was going numb from being used as a pillow, so I gave up.
I sat up and shook my dizzy head, propping my forehead on my palm as I spaced out.

The real reason I couldn’t sleep was that all those thoughts I had last night still hadn’t cleared from my head.
They buzzed around like flies, constantly irritating me.
It felt like parts of my body had been filled with disgusting red pus.
There was no way I could fall asleep like this.

I rubbed my cheeks, letting my dazed mind sink into the gray sea of tangled thoughts, chasing after answers I wanted to know.

After parting with Shiratori yesterday, the first feeling that surfaced in my heart was a strong sense of crisis.

Part of it stemmed from her outstanding appearance and aura, plus her cheerful personality and social skills.
But… while all that does matter, I never really cared much about such things.
If it weren’t for Gu Fan, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed her.

But now…
That very Shiratori — with all her advantages — had come into Gu Fan’s life.

Gu Fan is perfect.
He deserves to be cherished like a star in the center of everyone’s attention.
When I was little, I was too dense to see what made him special.
But after growing up, I came to realize how captivating his personality truly is.

That’s why… I couldn’t help but start worrying.

I’m afraid that Gu Fan’s attention will be drawn by more and more outstanding girls —
girls who will squeeze me out, compete for his limited affection.
And then, as things pile up, he’ll gradually drift away from me…
until one day, he forgets me completely.

Gulp… mm…

Tears started to well up against my will.
I wiped the corners of my eyes hard, forcing the rising sourness back down and holding the tears in.

I can’t be a crybaby.
I have to become better — put in every bit of effort to become prettier and more charming.
Even if I’m plagued by anxiety, I want Gu Fan to look at me and only me.

Sniffling through the stinging sensation in my nose, I bit down on my lip, hoping the faint pain would help me keep my composure.

Even someone like me, who’s bad at socializing and slow to react, can’t help but admire a girl like Shiratori.
So how could Gu Fan, as a guy, not feel the same?

It’s not that I don’t trust Gu Fan.
It’s just… I believe human instincts are hard to suppress.
Chasing beauty is natural.
And if he has options…
Why would Gu Fan choose someone like me, who isn’t even pretty?

I secretly took the mirror out of the drawer again and studied myself closely.
But under my eyes, the dark circles looked even worse.
My complexion was pale to the point of being scary.
There wasn’t a single feature on my face that I could imagine as attractive to Gu Fan.

Yeah…
If even I find myself unattractive, how could I possibly outshine other girls?

I’ve never gone through anything like this before, so I read a lot online.
Many girls who had experienced heartbreak repeated the same warning:
Guys are all lustful.
Don’t believe their sweet talk.
Controlling their lower half is more important than anything else.

But when it comes to dressing up…
I seriously don’t have any confidence.
I can’t do makeup.
I’ve never bought skincare products.
Even tying my hair ends up in a mess — no matter how I try, it always looks ugly.

When I broke down all the conditions for “winning,” I realized that apart from being Gu Fan’s childhood friend, I had no advantages whatsoever.
That realization crushed my spirit.

If only I could become some kind of all-powerful god…
I’d wipe out all those unsettling distractions.
Then Gu Fan would have no choice but to be good to me and only me.

Resting my cheek in my palm, I blankly stared at the blackboard.
I wasn’t focusing on anything in particular —
my eyes just drifted as my mind wandered into crazy thoughts.

Hehe…
It’s not like anyone can read my mind.
I can think whatever I want.
Who’s going to stop me?

In the fantasy world I made up, I could do all sorts of things to Gu Fan.
As long as I didn’t act on any of it in reality, it’s fine, right?

As for that lingering sense of guilt and shame…
Can’t help it.
It’s just my body’s instincts.
My rational mind is still pure — I’m just concerned about Gu Fan, that’s all.
There’s no evil intent. Really.

My mischievous tail curled up from my waist.
Lying across the piles of papers, I hid under my hair and bit the tip of my tail again.
My teeth lightly scraped it, sending electric tingles through my whole body.

Mmmh…
That’s right. I’m not wrong. I’m not.

As my saliva dampened the tip of my tail, I stubbornly reinforced my conviction.

Fine, I admit it.
My selfishness is infringing on Gu Fan’s rights.
I’m not as noble as I once thought.
I can’t give him kindness without expectations,
can’t be that model friend everyone talks about online.

I know that being too selfish or extreme will probably make me lose Gu Fan —
just like that ‘delusional girl’ who confessed to him.
But if I’m supposed to accept the possibility that Gu Fan might like another girl someday…
I’d rather become even more insane than that confessor and just take him — forcefully and irrationally.

Letting my thoughts run wild without restraint,
I realized the most hidden emotion buried in my heart.

I think…
I might be feeling something for Gu Fan that isn’t just friendship.

The moment I recognized that, I abruptly shut down the rest of my thoughts,
stopping them before they crossed into forbidden territory.

No, no — this isn’t right.
What’s wrong with me these past couple of days?
It’s like I’m going into heat, my mind full of twisted little schemes.

I let go of my tail with my mouth.
It wiggled around playfully for a bit before finally drooping down again.