Did I say something wrong? Seeing Gu Fan’s hesitant lips and slightly raised eyebrows, I couldn’t help but want to backtrack.
I mentally replayed what I’d just said, evaluating it from an outsider’s perspective, and only then realized how easily my words could be misunderstood.
My intentions were too obvious…
I bitterly smacked my thigh, a wave of regret surging from my heart, tinged with a faint sourness. My muscles felt weak, unable to muster strength.
My intention wasn’t to use ambiguous words to hint at Gu Fan that I wanted to do something suggestive with him.
But not only is my brain not the sharpest, I don’t even know how to polish my words. I just blurted out something close to a heartfelt confession.
I finally understand the saying “trouble comes from the mouth.” It seems I’d be better off sewing my lips shut and pleasing Gu Fan with my actions instead.
…But if I really went down the suggestive route, I wouldn’t need to sew my mouth shut. I still want to kiss Gu Fan, let my body involuntarily murmur its feelings, and maybe even share some deeper connection…
Before I knew it, my thoughts had veered into strange territory again. I shook my head, forcing my mind, clouded with inappropriate fantasies, to clear up.
Anyway, I need to salvage this awkward situation first. If I explain well enough, Gu Fan shouldn’t take it the wrong way.
With my resolve strengthened, I gripped my skirt tightly, mustered my courage, and looked directly at Gu Fan’s face, still…
Gu Fan, still seemingly puzzled, noticed me looking at him and turned his gaze toward me.
His eyes were gentle, like sitting under a lush tree in the afternoon, sunlight filtering through the leaves, casting delicate golden flecks and a soft, warm halo on your cheeks.
Just one glance melted all the tension and anxiety in my heart into a puddle of spring water, flowing gently.
An inexplicable wave of emotion hit me, my eyes crinkling as I hurriedly held back the tears threatening to spill from the surge of feelings.
To hold onto the courage I’d barely mustered, I lowered my head, reluctantly tearing my gaze away from Gu Fan’s face. In a posture begging for punishment, I confessed my “crimes” to him.
“Uh, um, Gu Fan. Don’t take what I said earlier seriously… No, wait, that’s not what I mean either, ugh, that sounds weird too. Aah, basically, I was thinking that the first time doing something feels more exciting, right?
So I wanted you to tell me about things you’ve never experienced. I could use this Christmas gift opportunity to make you happy, or even if it’s not happiness, at least it’d feel novel, right?
Didn’t you once say you love endless new experiences, always wanting to explore the unknown? I’ll try my best to be full of freshness, take you to places you’ve never been, try things you’ve never done.
Even if it means doing something special, I’d seriously learn all sorts of fancy poses or wear outfits full of charm. Um, that’s it. So, Gu Fan, can you forgive me and give me a chance to take one of your ‘firsts’?”
The moment the first syllable left my mouth, I startled myself, as if my subconscious hadn’t expected I’d have the guts to apologize to Gu Fan.
To avoid blurting out more outrageous inner thoughts, I stammered to buy myself some time, explaining what I meant by “taking your first.”
If things continued down this path, I could perfectly resolve this awkward incident…
But somehow, as if my brain short-circuited, I got carried away and wove my impure thoughts into words, spilling them out. I don’t even know if Gu Fan understood what I meant.
I’m such a mess… never succeeding, always screwing things up. Here I was, talking about serious matters with Gu Fan, and suddenly I’m thinking about jumping into bed with him.
If it were any other girl, they’d probably handle it with elegance and poise, without letting so many flaws slip through.
In the end, to patch up my latest blunder, I had no other ideas and just went for broke, hoping Gu Fan would accept my explanation about the so-called “first time.”
Under my anxious gaze, Gu Fan gave a helpless, wry smile. Then, I saw his distinctively jointed hand reach toward my head.
My sensitive cat ears sensed a rush of warmth approaching before they were gently pinched.
“Meow!”
A jolt of electricity sent a tingling sensation through the area around my cat ears. I clamped my thighs together, slightly arching my back, and covered my mouth with the back of my hand to stop myself from sticking out my tongue or panting.
I looked at Gu Fan in confusion, questioning why he’d suddenly done that.
Thankfully, he only pinched a few times before letting go. If he’d kept going, I’d have been so comfortable I wouldn’t have been able to control my expression.
“The first person I’ve ever patted on the head or pinched the ears of is you.”
“Huh? W-What does that mean?”
Gu Fan didn’t explain further. Instead, he moved his hand to my cheek, poking it lightly with his fingertip.
“The first person I’ve ever touched on the cheek is you too. So soft, it really makes me want to tease you a bit more.”
“…Gu Fan.”
Even someone as clueless as me could understand what Gu Fan was trying to convey at this moment.
Resisting the urge to grab his hand and place it on my lips, I breathed heavily, my gaze never wavering from his face for even a moment.
Unfortunately, Gu Fan didn’t continue exploring my body. Instead, he slowly withdrew his hand, took a step back, and spoke in a serious tone.
“It’s supposed to be me giving Zhinian a Christmas gift, but you’re still thinking about satisfying me. That won’t do.”
“…The scarf is enough.”
I tugged at the end of the long scarf draped over my chest, replying softly.
I was worried that my growing desires would surpass my ability to hold back, so, as usual, I resorted to my best tactic: avoidance.
But this time, Gu Fan didn’t go along with my wishes.
“No way. Even if we’re talking about equal value, this scarf is nowhere near the clothes you bought for me. You have to decide which ‘first’ of mine you want to take. You can ask slowly, and as long as it’s not too extreme, I’ll answer.”
“…Alright.”
Swallowing hard, I agreed with a fierce determination. Since you’re the one provoking me, don’t blame me for not holding back.
So, which part of Gu Fan’s body should I savor?
I carefully scanned his entire figure, from his Adam’s apple to his collarbone, my gaze drifting downward, unconsciously lingering over his abdomen and even lower.
After sneaking a glance for a moment, I pretended to look away casually, but my cheeks were already…
…starting to burn. I don’t know how I, with no real experience, could conjure up such suggestive images…
After agonizing for a long time, I finally settled my gaze on Gu Fan’s thin lips. This was the part I’d dreamed of, desired even more than the areas I’d glanced at earlier.
I love the sweet nothings and heart-pounding words that come from those lips. Gu Fan always manages to calm my emotions with just a few sentences, making me stay by his side like an obedient kitten, gently grooming my fur, dressing myself up prettily for him to toy with as he pleases.
I want to taste Gu Fan’s lips, to know if they’re as sweet as his words, if they can calm my chaotic mind or heal my broken, filthy glass heart that’s practically oozing dark water.
What kind of expression will Gu Fan have when I kiss him? Will his eyes sparkle with growing excitement, or will they look bored?
When we embrace and kiss, will his hands rest on my waist or on some unmentionable place? Could he even hold the back of my head, deepening the kiss with more passion?!
If that happens, will Gu Fan completely unleash his desires, fulfilling my wishes in one fell swoop…?
These questions swirled in my mind, urging me to demand answers from Gu Fan.
“Gu Fan, I’ve decided.”
“Oh? Go ahead and tell me.”
Gu Fan waited patiently, never showing a hint of impatience, always looking at me with his gentle smile.
I pursed my lips, unconsciously licking them a few times, my eyes fixed on Gu Fan’s lips.
…growing increasingly fervent.
I want it, I want it so badly.
Deep within my body, something primal—my biological instincts—was screaming, driving my hormones to react, pushing me step by step toward the abyss of desire.
My consciousness grew hazy, and before I was fully ready, I blurted out words without thinking. When I came to my senses, Gu Fan had calmly taken… my hand? And we were walking home together.
“Can I… hold your hand? I want to. You haven’t held hands with anyone else, right?”
“…Aside from when my parents held my hand to cross the street as a kid, no.”
That was the conversation we had before holding hands, and also a record of me missing a perfect opportunity.
While my heart was filled with regret, the intense sensation of my palm pressed against his much larger hand overwhelmed my brain like a tsunami, suppressing that regret.
I could clearly feel the texture of Gu Fan’s palm and fingers through our gentle touch. The warmth slowly and steadily rose with our skin’s contact, like a married couple living their quiet days, everything moving forward steadily and calmly.
I glanced at Gu Fan walking beside me. He didn’t speak or zone out; he was quietly savoring this rare first experience too.
Holding hands with Gu Fan, walking together on the street, it inexplicably felt like home… so ordinary, yet warmly beautiful.
Honey… darling… can I call you these names in the future?
I murmured the question silently, knowing he couldn’t respond. But I was already more than satisfied.
Savoring the moment, I squinted my eyes. The once heavy, inky darkness of the night now felt open and clear, revealing the deep purple of the sky.
The streetlights glowed with an intimate warm yellow, hazy as if I were back in bed, nestled close to Gu Fan, whispering sweet nothings all night long.
I lifted the paper bag in my other hand and took a bite. The now-cold chocolate was still cloyingly sweet, the white cream cold and sticky, coating the inside of my mouth.
I gripped the happiness in my hand tightly, silently vowing in my heart that one day, I’d hold Gu Fan’s hand again as his rightful wife—no hesitation, no concern for anyone else’s opinions.
Just holding his hand openly, as if that alone would make me so happy I’d be willing to die right then and there.
The path to the parking lot ran alongside the undeveloped old town, overgrown with weeds and aggressive climbing vines that sprawled over the walls, their long tendrils bothering passersby.
I didn’t mind these insignificant plants, my focus entirely on the hand tightly clasped with Gu Fan’s.
But when I noticed Gu Fan subtly shielding me, pushing the vines aside to keep them from bothering me while getting himself dirty in the process, I felt a pang of guilt.
“Gu… maybe we should take another route to the parking lot. This one’s not great.”
“No need. These vines don’t sting.”
After he said that, I thought about using the detour as an excuse to hold his hand longer, but hearing his refusal, I could only quietly swallow my expectations.
“Hmm… Zhinian, can I take a picture of you?”
“How would you take it?”
After today’s date, I’d grown used to Gu Fan’s occasional requests to take my picture, so I didn’t think much of it.
But… his response made my heart skip a beat.
“I want to take a picture of this.”
Gu Fan lifted our joined hands, and for the first time, I clearly saw how tightly his hand enveloped my right hand.
What a peculiar feeling… It was like my heart, restless and uncertain, had been struck by a hammer, instantly settling into a steady calm. It felt like receiving a marriage certificate—a solid, reassuring confirmation.
It confirmed that Gu Fan and I, childhood friends, were holding hands tightly on this nighttime street. This might be the pivotal step in our evolving friendship transforming into love…
For no reason at all, I thought this and gave a subtle, suggestive smile.
“Sure, can you send me a copy after you take it, Gu Fan?”
“Of course.”
Gu Fan’s voice carried a rare hint of excitement, but his expression remained as gentle as ever, masking whatever emotions were stirring beneath.
But none of that mattered. All I needed was to know that Gu Fan didn’t dislike me.
I gazed softly at him as he held up the mini camera I’d given him with one hand, capturing the proof of our hand-holding. My mind was blank, simply recording this beautiful moment like a video camera.
[Today’s Shiratori Diary]
Tch, I failed.
Turns out Gu Fan’s heart already belongs to someone else. All my efforts were for nothing.
After Fang Cheng made an excuse to get Gu Fan to leave the party, I followed him out under the pretense of going to the bathroom.
I asked him why he left the party, but all I got was his cold stare—the first time I’d ever received such negative feedback from him.
He said, “I’m not your prey. I know you organized this party, and you went to a lot of effort, but I’m not interested. If I need to cover any costs, send me the amount on WeChat, and I’ll pay you back later.”
Everything’s clear now. We’re both smart people, and Gu Fan made it painfully obvious that he has zero feelings for my advances this whole time.
He’s either a block of wood or his heart’s already taken. Knowing him, it’s probably the latter.
What a pity. I finally meet a perfect guy, and he’s already been snatched by some worthless girl.