Suzhou at the end of autumn was usually lonely, but this year the osmanthus bloomed late.
The ancient streets along the river were lined with golden osmanthus trees draped in gilded robes.
Falling petals occasionally drifted onto my phone screen, bringing a rich fragrance with them.
“Your bank account has received 4,238 yuan…”
Looking at the notification in my message bar, a sour yet refreshing sense of joy welled up inside me.
Today was the day I received my first month’s salary.
After realizing this, the noisy passersby around me didn’t seem quite so irritating anymore.
‘Autumn days truly do surpass spring mornings.’
I pushed open the door to my home, and the scent of flowers mingled with a woman’s unique fragrance.
Su Xixia was sitting obediently by the bed, scrolling through videos.
She wore a sweater over a simple white dress.
Compared to before, she now had the innocent air of a country girl.
“You’re back? I’ll go steam some cakes.”
“No need, let’s go out to eat today.”
“Hmm? Really?”
She ran over to my side in small steps and circled around me, her normally indifferent eyes sparkling with light.
“Oh, right! It’s about time you got paid. You have to treat me to something good! There definitely has to be plenty of meat.”
“I remember you like beef?”
A slightly painful memory surfaced.
I remembered how, back in school, she always had beef jerky in her pocket and would sneak bites during class.
It wasn’t that I was intentionally watching her; it was that she would always turn around with a mischievous smirk to show off to me, completely shameless.
“That’s right. It’s been a long time since I’ve had any since leaving home. You have to treat me to something nice. I feel like my chest and butt have shrunk a bit lately.”
“Then… quit messing around, and go change your clothes.”
I forced myself not to pay attention to her soft body as she leaned in.
I pulled away and retreated to the side of the wardrobe.
“Oh, right! You haven’t touched me in so long, so of course you don’t care. The more you don’t care, the more I’m going to make you look!”
She shouted provocatively and grabbed the hem of her skirt, pulling it up with force.
In that moment, I, who was “too late” to turn around, noticed her delicate skin — which was a bit thinner than before — and couldn’t help but swallow hard.
As a man, there were always desires.
Now that she was in the house, it was inconvenient to handle things myself, and a restless sensation instantly spread through my entire body.
‘Men really are beasts!’
“Have some shame, and change your clothes quickly!”
I urged.
“Che, it’s not like I’m stopping you from looking. Suit yourself!”
Her composure in these matters had always annoyed me.
Not long ago, she had been cold, but the way she actively clung to me the moment she heard I got paid made me feel quite contemptuous.
Was she still angry?
Impossible, she wasn’t as conflicted as I was.
All of these actions were a performance, though I didn’t know for what purpose.
“All right! Is it okay to take me out?”
The question she asked now was somewhat jarring.
“What do you mean, ‘is it okay’?”
“Then it’s okay, haha.”
The moment she finished speaking, my palm was wrapped in another small hand.
I stole a glance back and saw her wearing a floral dress paired with a sweater, her black leggings accentuating the full shape of her legs.
She smiled and made a peace sign.
For some reason, this reaction made me feel a surge of excitement.
Holding a woman’s hand on the street for the first time in a while, I noticed passersby casting envious glances our way.
Only then did I understand why she had asked that question earlier.
Perhaps there would be acquaintances among those passersby…
Perhaps they would discover that the woman I was holding was not the one from before.
I quickened my pace into the subway station, but she walked leisurely, looking around as if she were a tourist.
She pretended to know nothing, which was truly loathsome.
Inside a beef hotpot restaurant in the new district, I let her sit beside me.
The gazes of other customers shot toward us through the rising steam of the hotpot.
But soon, as I ate the chewy fatty beef and glimpsed her beside me eating heartily while clinging to my arm, a warm sense of satisfaction flooded my heart.
‘This is happiness, right? But… it shouldn’t be like this.’
‘What is wrong with me? How could I feel this way about someone like her?’
Walking along the street where the golden osmanthus bloomed, I pulled her toward the bank.
“That chuck roll was so delicious! I’m stuffed~”
Turning into a deserted, dark corner, she seemed to release her true nature.
Dropping her previous ladylike demeanor, she began to walk with large strides.
“You haven’t opened a bank account yet, have you?”
I asked.
“No. What do you want to do?”
She suddenly slowed her pace.
“I’m taking you to open one. I’ll transfer 4,000 to you from this paycheck. You said the landlord covered one year of rent, right?”
“So what? We don’t have to pay rent for one year! And you’re the one supporting the household, so why give me so much money?”
As I took another step, I felt resistance from my hand.
I couldn’t complete the stride.
She stood frozen on the spot, her small hand tightly gripping mine.
Her head was lowered, and she refused to move another inch.
“I’ll slowly pay you back for this year’s rent, and for your family heirloom…”
“Are you kidding me! Who wants your money? Do you have any emotional intelligence at all? Fine, give all the money back to me, and then what? What do you want to do after that!?”
“I want to…”
That was right.
After I finished paying her back the money for the heirloom, what did I want to do?
Clear all debts with her and then start over alone?
Clearly, without her, I would have been homeless and unable to even find a job.
Now that I was stable, I was in a hurry to give her money; it was natural for her to react this way.
Then, just continue living together like this… and find a new kind of happiness.
‘Enough! Do you think I could really accept… accept someone who used to bully me?’
I lowered my voice.
However, I couldn’t imagine what kind of end that happiness would lead to.
She was helping me now because she had her own purposes.
This had nothing to do with our past — a past full of scars, pain, and repression, most of which was caused by her.
“You! Why do you still not understand!?”
She threw my hand away and stared at me with wide eyes.
The faint yellow of the streetlights reflected in the teardrops at the corners of her eyes.
“If I hadn’t come, those boys would have bullied you even worse! They would have beaten you, dragged you to a place where no one was around, and beaten you mercilessly! Without me, you would have been crippled or killed long ago!”
“Even so, does that mean the things you did to me weren’t wrong? At most, it was just another way to continue the bullying! Did you really not indulge in it even a little? When you did those things to me, didn’t you feel a single bit of pleasure or conquest!? Say it! Say it — !”
The anger accumulated in my heart suddenly rushed to the back of my head.
I grabbed her arm forcefully, completely failing to notice that several red marks had already appeared on her white skin.
“I…” She blinked desperately, guiltily avoiding my gaze as tears continued to fall.
“I did… I did have that feeling.”
“Then that’s that! You are the perpetrator of the bullying.”
“But I like you! It was because I liked you that I thought of that method!”
“You’re too twisted… Su Xixia. I don’t know how I’m supposed to treat you. You came back too suddenly.”
Even now, hearing her confession, I was still at a loss.
Even though I could feel her goodwill and her care for me through the little things of the past month.
I still didn’t dare to accept her.
I attributed all my desire for her body to the loneliness of losing my girlfriend and my long-repressed urges.
Was there any true affection for her in that?
I didn’t dare to think too deeply about it.
I simply followed my established impression of her, theorizing that falling for her would be dangerous and that I couldn’t let myself get too immersed.
And… deep in my heart, I still hoped my girlfriend would return —
After I calmed down, I finally let go of her arm.
“How could you not know how to treat me? Before or now, don’t you still have desire for my body? Desire doesn’t lie. I used to be addicted to bullying you, but when you were doing it, weren’t you also… indulging in it!”
“No… that was…”
Whether I was tempted or not, in the end, I had done things I shouldn’t have.
Both then and now.
“Enough! You’re always like this, agonizing over so many pointless things. I like you, and if you want me too, then just treat me well! Like you would treat an ordinary girl you just met. Okay?”
“Just take the money first.”
“You!”
She froze in place, her arms open as she had been about to embrace me.
The tear stains on her face were clearly visible.
Since I couldn’t accept the past, I would try to force myself to forget it.
If I thought about it that way, Su Xixia, who had suddenly barged into my life, had simply helped me out a great deal.
It was only right to thank her.
“Don’t worry, it’s not to pay off your family heirloom. I want to thank you for taking care of me during this time.”
“Hmph, you’re doing this on purpose! And then what?”
She lightly kicked my shin, her red lips curving in a rare display of dissatisfaction.
“I’ll be in your care from now on, too.”
This time, she didn’t cause any trouble.
She nodded slightly, and while I was observing her expression, she suddenly hugged me.
Suzhou didn’t really have an autumn.
The cold night wind blew through the alleyway, but before I could feel the chill, the warmth of her body was already being transmitted to me.
I had already come to rely on this warmth, and in the future, I wanted to keep relying on it.