Before coming to the café for Gu Fan’s birthday party, I thought taking a nap to recharge was a brilliant idea, even if it meant giving up the chance to chat with Gu Fan on the motorcycle ride over.
But when I arrived at the café and saw Gu Fan using the camera Bainiao gave her to take photos of our classmates, my heart suddenly felt like it had been doused with lemon juice—a sharp, stinging bitterness.
I should’ve just come with Gu Fan. I can’t let Bainiao have any openings. Even if Gu Fan used her phone to take pictures, I wouldn’t want her using that camera—better than the one I got her—right in front of me. I just don’t want to feel like I’m one step behind.
I trailed behind Gu Fan for a while, watching quietly, until that classmate named Fang Cheng nudged her, pointing out that I was there.
Gu Fan seemed a bit surprised to see me by her side, pausing for a moment before greeting me and explaining why she was using that camera.
“This is a birthday gift from Bainiao. She said in the group chat that she wanted me to take photos of everyone for memories. It’s easier to use the camera directly since I don’t have to download the pictures from the group later.”
“Oh… you guys even made a group chat, huh?”
“It’s no big deal, just for organizing party stuff.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, forcing down the wave of discomfort coursing through me, and didn’t press further.
The fortune-teller’s words still lingered in my mind, refusing to fade even after a nap. They were just as vivid when I woke up. Looks like I really took her words to heart.
Since yesterday’s antics, I feel like my boundaries have stretched wider and sunk lower. I’m less concerned about things I used to worry about, and the things I dare to do with Gu Fan have grown a lot bolder.
Madness… what does that even mean? I still don’t quite get what the fortune-teller was trying to convey.
Gu Fan snapped back to reality, handed the camera—eerily similar to the one I gave her, like it was deliberately matching—to Fang Cheng, asking him to take over photographing the classmates. Then she led me toward a quieter table with fewer people.
When I first arrived at the café, I was so focused on finding Gu Fan that I barely noticed the surroundings. Now that I’d achieved my goal, I took a moment to glance around.
A misty blue haze enveloped the entire place, and most of the items here were in muted, dark tones—nothing too flashy or eye-catching… except for the handsome boy beside me, wearing a faint smile.
I stole glances at Gu Fan. Just staring at his face in this strange, dreamy atmosphere felt like it could block out all the noise around us.
The vibe here is actually pretty nice. If only there were fewer people, if it were quieter—best of all, if it were just the two of us sitting across from each other—that would be perfect.
Imagining being in such a setting with Gu Fan, even if we were just chatting about ordinary things, filled me with an overwhelming sense of happiness.
When we reached the corner where everyone was gathered, some people immediately greeted Gu Fan. I silently tucked myself into the shadows where the lights didn’t reach.
A few noticed me, but my expression must have been too cold, because none of them approached.
After Gu Fan quickly dealt with them, she broke away and led me to where the drink bottles were set up.
“Here, want anything to drink? The plastic cups are right there.”
At a glance, the colorful assortment of drinks looked like they were displayed on a supermarket shelf, dazzling and overwhelming.
I blinked, and the heightened emotions I’d been feeling quickly fizzled out. Too many choices just made me feel even more lost.
“I’ll just have the same as you, Gu Fan.”
“Ha, fruit juice it is then. Good for your health, you know.”
Gu Fan said with a playful laugh, finishing off the last bit of orange juice in her cup before grabbing a bottle of passion fruit juice and pouring two cups.
“Passion fruit flavor. Give it a try.”
“Thanks, Gu Fan.”
Holding the passion fruit drink, the icy temperature seeped through the thin plastic cup, quickly chilling my fingers.
I took a small sip, but it didn’t spark any “Wow, this is amazing!” reaction. I just couldn’t help but think how much more comforting a hot drink would be in winter.
Gu Fan didn’t stay by my side to chat the whole time. With so many people at the birthday party, one after another came up to talk to her.
All I could do was watch enviously as Gu Fan laughed and chatted with the others.
I found an empty sofa and sat down, propping my cheek on my hand, staring at Gu Fan surrounded by the crowd while glugging down my drink.
The unheated passion fruit juice slid down my throat, sending a chill through my chest.
I was thinking—how could I make Gu Fan mine alone?
At first, I just wanted to get closer to Gu Fan, to become inseparable best friends. But before I knew it, I was captivated by her charm.
The thoughts that pop into my head every time I see her aren’t the kind you have for a friend.
I wanted to avoid reality, but finding out that Gu Fan’s health had recovered forced me to face fate head-on. From the moment I chose to come to this birthday party, I’d already made my decision.
Once I accepted that I liked Gu Fan—not just a casual liking, but the kind where I wanted to entrust my entire being to her—my courage slowly started to return.
But… after arriving at the party and watching one stranger after another drain Gu Fan’s energy with all sorts of excuses, stealing the attention that should’ve been mine, a deep sense of powerlessness welled up in my heart.
I think I overestimated my own resolve. In this crowd, I’m nothing but a weak, cowardly nobody who can’t do anything.
In terms of talent, looks, education, or family background, I might outshine a few people in one or two areas, but there’s always someone I’ll lose to.
Right now, Gu Fan doesn’t have that many friends, so I can still barely compete for her attention. But once she steps into the wider world and meets more, better people, this childhood friend bond of mine probably won’t be enough to hold onto her anymore…
People always chase after what’s better. What right does someone as ugly and unworthy as me have to keep Gu Fan by my side?
Even if we stay together for a long time, even if we get married, she’ll eventually be drawn to the allure of the outside world. She’ll cheat… find someone else… have an affair…
Ugh, it hurts so much. I feel like throwing up.
The frozen passion fruit juice irritated my throat, nearly making me gag and bring up my lunch. I shouldn’t have eaten so much earlier.
My sharp hearing picked up the chaotic sounds around me. The dazzling lights and flickering shadows of people made me squint in discomfort.
It felt like I was back in yesterday’s haze, my head all fuzzy. Unfiltered emotions, unprocessed by reason, surfaced naturally in my mind, influencing my every move.
Suddenly, I understood what the fortune-teller meant by “madness.”
Yes, for someone like me, who falls short in every way, the only thing I can do better than anyone else is…
To love Gu Fan with a crazed devotion, giving everything I have to her?
As long as I can make Gu Fan feel guilty, or create a bond even stronger and more unbreakable than our childhood friendship to tie her to me, maybe—just maybe—I really could stay by Gu Fan’s side forever and ever in the days to come.