Chapter 9: Standing on the Sidelines

Cecilia’s eyes widened in surprise, and she grabbed her outstretched arm, her face crumpling in distress.

Hawkins, who had run over with her, stood awkwardly close behind Cecilia.

What’s this, Hawkins. Are you already acting like a knight?

Ah. Why am I thinking this way?

Let’s not get all cynical for nothing. There’s no need to take it the wrong way.

I swallowed down the surge of emotion. Yeah, Natura is right behind me, too. My knight, a knight just for me. There’s no reason to envy her.

“You startled me, grabbing me so suddenly.”

I spoke gently and calmly, as if stating a fact rather than blaming her, and rubbed the arm she’d grabbed.

Just like Natura would, when she massages my arm after being shoved away. Hawkins was watching me as I did this.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Cecilia shook her head as she rubbed my arm.

I gently pulled her hand away.

Cecilia, don’t be so sweet. For a while, I want to keep some distance from you.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Liana, why did you go ahead? I ran all the way over here just to see you…”

“You two were talking, so I was just giving you some space.”

“No! I only caught you because you almost fell. Oh, I didn’t introduce myself! Thank you so much. My name is Cecilia.”

“Not at all. I’m Hawkins.”

Cecilia, cutting off her words to me, turned her head back, surprised to find him closer than she expected, and stepped back.

Her long hair, swaying softly in the wind as she bowed her head slightly in gratitude.

Hawkins, startled and flustered, shook his head as well.

His voice was higher and more gentle than when he spoke to me.

“You’re here as a student, right?”

“Yes.”

“Why were you late, Hawkins? Are you unwell, by any chance? Oh, is it alright if I call you Hawkins…?”

“Please, call me whatever you like.”

Cecilia, having finished her introductions, called the name of someone she’d just met without hesitation, her eyes sparkling with curiosity as she asked all sorts of questions.

When I was younger—until just before the second year at the Academy—I was taller than Cecilia. After that, she completely overtook me.

So Cecilia used to be shorter than Hawkins is now.

The face of the girl looking up was adorable.

Her barrage of innocent, guileless questions left Hawkins’s face painted with confusion. He only gazed at the innocent Cecilia, not knowing what to say.

Watching them blankly like this, I recalled my old self.

I was always like that. Helpless before that lovable girl.

Everything about her was delightful and dear to me.

If asked to state a clear reason, I couldn’t give a single one, but if asked to explain, I could list more than a hundred.

That’s how it was, when it came to her.

Why was it, then, that I wanted to distance myself from blameless Cecilia?

Was I just too jealous of her?

Was I trying to erase even the time we’d been close friends?

That’s what I began to think…

And I think I figured out the reason.

Like that Hawkins… I only ever looked at Cecilia.

Without even noticing how worn out I was becoming. Without seeing anything else around me.

After returning from the brink of death, somehow, that magic seemed to have faded halfway.

“Cecilia.”

If it were before, I’d have just watched their banter as always.

Looking for a chance to butt in, chiming in, gazing at Cecilia like she was precious, then, when someone was flustered, presenting myself as Cecilia’s closest friend and laughing along.

But now I know. There’s no place by Cecilia’s side that’s meant for me.

That I’m only playing the role of the ‘extra’. At least, next to that lovely girl.

Looking back, it wasn’t happy.

I never felt like we were together. I just felt sorry for myself, trying so hard to stay by her side.

But if I left Cecilia, where could I go?

Back then, that was the best I could do. It was what I was used to.

I just went with what was familiar, and after several years, it became impossible to break away from her.

Even now, I’m not sure.

But I’m not just going to keep enduring what makes me unhappy.

My love for Cecilia hasn’t changed, but I don’t want to be consumed by that love.

That would be too strange.

“Hm?”

Every time Cecilia blinked, it felt like sunlight broke apart and scattered.

“Didn’t you call me because you had something to say?”

Hawkins’s expression was odd.

Was he annoyed at having his conversation with Cecilia interrupted, or was he surprised that I broke in and spoke?

His eyes wavered as he looked at me.

“Oh, right, Liana.”

She turned her body, which had been half facing Hawkins, fully towards me, and nodded gravely.

Her face, pale and luminous as if sculpted from moonlight, was filled with worry.

When the afternoon sunlight shone on her face, it glowed with life.

Truly, she had an appearance that was impossible not to love.

An irresistible beauty. But it was still a childlike face.

Cecilia swallowed hard.

“Liana, do you… dislike me now?”

I didn’t expect her to ask so bluntly. No, I didn’t even want to consider it.

She looked me over, as if she’d steeled herself, her fists clenched tight in determination.

Who would believe that this is the same young lady who once barged into our mansion and even flung open my bathroom door?

Of course, it was proof of how close we were.

But I had nothing to say to this careful yet straightforward question.

‘I still love you, but I want to be apart from you.’

‘I hate feeling like an extra.’

Argh! No matter how I put it, it just sounds weird.

I’m weird, aren’t I? But Cecilia and Hawkins are all weird, too!

“It’s not that.”

I slowly shook my head.

“Then what?”

“It’s just…”

If I stay by your side, I end up losing myself.

“Please answer me, Liana!”

I tilted my head. What should I say… Can I even explain it?

Then, suddenly, I saw Hawkins standing behind her, watching this scene.

He looked worried for Cecilia, seeing her on the verge of tears.

We’re so strange, Cecilia.

When I’m by Ollie’s side, I become a crybaby, a spoiled little lady, but when I’m with you, I turn so calm.

You’re strange, too.

When we’re alone, you’re like a brave general, always swinging me around, dragging me here and there, but why, when you’re at the Academy, do you become this cute, bumbling, delicate fool?

The sudden thought made my head spin.

I felt a hand softly approach my back.

It must have been Natura, worried about me.

“Liana, answer me…! You promised we’d see each other at the Academy. I could wait for you not contacting me, but… are you not happy to see me? I thought… you’d smile when you saw me.”

“Aren’t I… smiling?”

I asked, startled.

I was definitely smiling.

Oh. Back at this age, just seeing Cecilia made me beam.

Evan once said her bright smile was her trademark, and I felt like I was copying even her smile, so a few months after enrolling, I switched to just quietly smiling.

So my smile now must feel unfamiliar to Cecilia.

Even with something like this… I’ve soaked in her ways, and those of the people who love her.

I stroked my own face.

What kind of expression was I making? It was my own face, but I couldn’t tell.

“I did smile, Cecilia.”

I touched my lips as I spoke again.

Cecilia shook her head vigorously.

Her refreshing blue hair fluttered in the air.

“No! You didn’t smile at all…”

She took a step closer to me, and I instinctively stepped back.

A warm hand touched my back.

I leaned against it, looking at her.

Cecilia looked a bit shocked.

She seemed unable to believe I was pulling away from her.

“Liana…?”

Her voice trembled with tears as she called me.

“Liana. Tell me. Did I do something wrong? I’ll fix it. Just stop avoiding me, please…?”

“No, it’s not that…”

“Then what! Why are you avoiding me? Why won’t you smile at me?”

“It’s just…”

But isn’t this conversation a little strange?

Isn’t this like a breakup talk between lovers?

I resisted the urge to step back from Cecilia as she came closer, and instead, gently took her hand.

Seeing her face brighten, I shook my head.

“It’s not your fault.”

If there is a fault, perhaps it’s that you’re so lovable that no one around you gets a single ray of light.

Because you’re so lovely, you monopolize all the affection around you, and though you’re not at fault, it makes things hard for me.

But I couldn’t say that.

Feeling a little tired, I decided I needed to speak as simply as possible.

“I’m just… tired of it, that’s all.”

Cecilia’s pupils widened.

Did my flat voice sound like some kind of sentence?

“Ah…”

Cecilia blinked slowly.

I’d thought we were holding hands, but that was just my imagination.

As strength left Cecilia’s hand, our hands fell apart limply.

It was so quiet I could hear her hand brush her skirt.

I didn’t know what to do with my now empty hand, so I hid it behind my back.

I chewed over my words, tangled up in complicated emotions…

Then suddenly, Cecilia clapped a hand over her mouth, her body shaking!

Her muffled sobs drifted gently on the breeze.

“Hic… Liana…”

W-wait, if you cry like that…!

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

Drip, drip—two streams of tears slid down her pale cheeks, blocking my words.

Behind the quietly sobbing Cecilia, Hawkins glared at me.

His face was stern, as if rebuking me for being too harsh.

This is bad.

I think I’ve really put my foot in it.

“So… you’re sick of me. And I didn’t even know…”

Seeing her try to smile through her shock and tears stabbed at my heart.

Cecilia, it’s not you I’m sick of. I’m just tired of the situations that always happen when I’m with you!

But Cecilia’s crying face was so shockingly pretty I couldn’t bring myself to speak.

Hawkins’s hand hovered over her shoulder, and I let out a sigh.

Now’s not the time to just stand here admiring her face.

I have to end this dreadful situation.

“Wait. Cecilia, that’s not it.”

Her eyes stared at me, searching for an answer.

“My explanation was lacking. I mean, I’m tired of… these situations.”

“What kind…?”

I shrugged.

If I didn’t explain, Cecilia would never understand.

Could someone who’s never stood on the sidelines understand how it feels?

I thought, even hoping she’d guess was too much to expect.

“These situations, you know.”

“Liana! I really don’t understand. Please tell me, okay?”

Cecilia seemed to have forgotten Hawkins, who stood protectively behind her.

Her eyes were focused only on me, pleading.

She stared at me, slowly raised her hands, and took both of mine in hers.

Her hands were still warm.

I wanted to hold on forever, but at the same time, I felt an urge to shake her off.

But if she started wailing, I’d be in trouble, so I had to endure it.

What is this conflicting feeling…?

Instead, I looked into Cecilia’s clear sky-blue eyes.

Water-colored eyes. Moist and seemingly always saying something.

Anyone who met Cecilia’s gaze probably couldn’t help but fall for her.

Her eyes made you feel like you were special.

And that made you delude yourself.

That you were the most important person to her.

But in truth, you weren’t.

Looking back, I was just a close friend. Not someone special.

I suddenly wondered if Cecilia had anyone she considered truly special.

“Liana.”

Ah—I’d gotten lost in thought for too long.

I forced a bashful, awkward smile.

“Cecilia, you might not realize it, but—”

“So tell me!”

“Yes, don’t dodge the question. Please tell us.”

“……”

Damn.

Hawkins’s sudden interruption was annoying.

I felt one eyebrow twitch as I gave him a sidelong glare.

He looked a bit flustered for a moment.

I shot back a look that said, “What business is it of yours?” and then turned to Cecilia, who was looking at me with a tearstained face.

It always felt like a special air lingered around her wherever she stood.

Like she’d cast a spell.

It was truly strange.

“When someone steps up for you, speaks on your behalf…”

I glanced at Hawkins and squeezed her hands.

Cecilia’s eyes widened a little.

A faint joy seemed to pass through them.

Maybe because I finally squeezed her hands back, which I hadn’t done before.

But then I gradually loosened my grip and let go of her hands.

“When I’m with you, it’s hard to explain, but I always feel like I’m standing on the sidelines.”