“Thump, thump.”
My heart felt like it had broken free from my body, pounding right next to my ears with each beat, accompanied by an uncomfortable tightness in my chest.
I gripped the shawl draped over my chest tightly, my fingers turning pale from the force.
So nervous, so nervous. In the past, I never bothered to check the class assignments, lazily waiting until the first day of school to casually find out which class I’d been placed in.
“I feel like my personality has changed so much…”
Thinking back, before I reconciled with Gu Fan, I used to hate my own cold demeanor.
With that expressionless, sour face, who would ever take a liking to me?
I knew this about myself and tried to smile more, but no matter how many times I resolved to do so, the corners of my mouth remained stubbornly flat.
I barely produced any genuine joy, and I couldn’t master those emotionless, polite smiles either. Naturally, my smiles came off as stiff, and I’d end up feeling exhausted.
It’s kind of amusing when you think about it—whenever I’m around Gu Fan, I can’t seem to control my emotions.
It’s as if all the feelings I’ve suppressed over the years have been secretly transferred into Gu Fan’s body by some unknown force. Only through close, intimate moments with him can I draw those emotions back.
Ugh… thinking about it this way is way too thrilling. My wandering mind is already drifting toward unmentionable fantasies.
If Gu Fan ever found out about these ridiculous thoughts of mine, would he be shocked and say, “So this is who Zhinian really is? That’s kind of scary…”
I’m used to ignoring many things in life, trailing behind the crowd, going with the flow, and never letting my own opinions stand out too much.
This way of living is actually pretty easy. It rarely leads to major conflicts with others, and the social pressure is so light it lets you move forward without overthinking.
Surprisingly, this lifestyle isn’t bad at all. But then I encountered the “accident” of my life—my childhood friend, Gu Fan.
Having little experience with socializing, my attempts to express my emotions or thoughts to Gu Fan always end up a mess.
Taking everything I want to convey to him, distilling it into the simplest actions and words, and recklessly pouring it all into his arms—that’s my interpretation of “love.”
The cold, detached me from before and the lovesick me now… which one is the “real” or “normal” me?
After thinking it over, I’ve decided not to deny either version of myself. It’s precisely because of the old me that I’ve had the chance to become who I am now.
I don’t dislike the person I’ve become.
At some point, my fingers, which had been gripping my sleeve tightly, loosened. As blood flowed normally again, a tingling sensation spread through them.
I lowered my gaze and subtly shifted a step closer to Gu Fan.
The side of my chest brushed against his elbow before my shoulder did. I carefully observed his reaction, and seeing that he was still focused on his phone, a sour feeling inexplicably welled up in my heart.
Ugh… I’m right here, so why is he so engrossed with his phone? Am I not enough…
Am I not pretty enough, not attractive enough?
I sighed, tugging at the hem of Gu Fan’s shirt with a hint of frustration to shift my overly anxious mood.
The rustling of unknown leaves filled the air, carrying a faint scent of grass and wood.
The weak sunlight, filtered through the shade of the trees, broke into flickering patches of light, slightly irritating my eyes and making me feel dizzier.
The crowd had thinned out a bit, but it was still quite packed.
“Wow, we’re in the same class again! It’s like fate!” “Pretty coincidental, but I’m not sitting next to you this time.”
A pair of boys in school uniforms were joking around, their arms around each other’s shoulders. Judging by their expressions, they seemed thrilled with their class assignments.
I watched them walk away with envious eyes, my courage slowly building up.
“Gu Fan, you go handle your stuff. I’m going to check the class assignments.”
After telling Gu Fan my plan, I dove headfirst into the crowd. I vaguely heard his voice behind me, but the environment was too noisy, and I couldn’t make out what he said.
The moment I entered the crowd, I regretted it. There was no turning back, so I had to grit my teeth and push forward.
I’m pretty tall for a girl, but there were plenty of guys here even taller than me. The flow of people trying to leave clashed with the incoming tide, and I got elbowed a few times for no reason.
Thankfully, everyone was still disciplined students, so it didn’t turn into a chaotic mess
I barely managed to steady my footing.
With my arms crossed protectively over my chest, I calmed myself and inched toward the bulletin board.
A large class assignment sheet soon came into view. I squinted, starting my search from the top row of high-achieving students. Gu Fan’s name was listed in the first column.
After finding his class, I shifted my gaze to the full roster for that class, slowly scanning downward.
The chaotic chatter around me seemed to fade into the distance. The scene before my eyes grew increasingly blurry—or rather, everything irrelevant blurred out, leaving only the names in focus.
With each name I ruled out, the blood flowing beneath my skin felt thicker, slower, as if my body was starting to freeze.
I’m not someone with strong willpower. I couldn’t stay composed in such a challenging moment, calmly searching for my name.
Nor do I believe I have much luck. Becoming a girl, getting a second chance—sometimes it feels like the heavens are playing a joke on me.
But in this moment, I desperately wished that a god truly existed, begging for one more of these “jokes” to be played on me.
My eyes drew closer to the painful truth I dreaded facing. The list was nearing its end, and my name still hadn’t appeared.
I shut my eyes tightly, my breathing trembling, my cat tail spasmodically flicking against my stomach.
I prayed. I pleaded.
Pushed by a tangle of emotions, I searched for proof of my existence.
“Can you really take responsibility for this?”
The words of Zhi Nian’s mother still echo in my mind to this day.
“…I don’t know.”
That was how I answered her.
I couldn’t clearly understand my own true feelings yet, nor did I want to lie to Zhi Nian’s mother. So, I spoke as sincerely as I could.
“I want to change Zhi Nian. You can think of it as me suddenly taking an interest in her. At the very least, right now, I want to bring her happiness and a smile. As for whether this is truly… I need some time to test it. That’s also my way of being responsible for her.”
After I finished saying this, Zhi Nian’s mother fell silent. She stared at me for a long time. In the end, she sighed, stood up, and left the house on her own.
Now that I’ve been given this chance, can I really bring happiness to Zhi Nian?
Scrolling through the various discussions and consultations about love on my phone screen, scenes of being together with Zhi Nian would occasionally flash through my mind.
I shook my groggy head hard, forcing my attention back to reality.
Looking at the crowded throng not far away, I felt as though I too had fallen deep into it, being pushed around mercilessly, not knowing where to go.
My vision grew blurry. I pressed my hand to my forehead and lifted my head, gazing at the sun hidden behind thin clouds.
The heaviness in my heart seemed to drag my body down into the depths of the sea, and all I could do was watch that single ray of sunlight—yet soon enough, it too was blocked by something else, and the ocean sank into darkness.
I closed my eyes, and even my breathing briefly came to a halt.
In my hazy daze, I suddenly heard a clear, ringing voice call out.
“Gu Fan!”
I opened my eyes and looked toward the source of the sound.
What I saw was a black-haired catgirl whose ears were perked straight up with excitement. The bright smile on her face made her look completely different from the usually indifferent expression she wore.
When she noticed my gaze falling on her, her ruby-like eyes seemed to shine even brighter. She quickly slipped past the crowd, and when only a few steps remained between us, she suddenly leapt straight into my arms without warning.
Caught off guard, I instinctively held her close—then I heard her muffled sobs.
“Uu… Gu Fan… I’m so happy…”
“…As long as you’re happy, that’s enough.”
I didn’t know why she was so happy, but I understood very clearly: at this moment, all I needed to do was return her feelings with a warm embrace, and that was enough.