Chapter 11: The World of the End (1)

“A-jie, I saw it.

“An angel.”

Faint light came from the window behind Aihua, and from that halo set on the whiteboard’s stand.

A red ring, four diamonds like stars arranged in a cross upon the halo.

Yes.

I knew for the first time—that was the Southern Cross constellation.

It had such a beautiful and sacred name.

The girl with pure white wings, her portrait held in Aihua’s hand.

Dimly, Aihua’s eyes glittered and wavered under the streetlamp light.

Angel…

“!” 

By the time I came back to myself I had already taken two steps as three and run in front of Aihua, seizing her hand in one grab.

The bag in my hand fell to the floor with my movement, giving a bump-bump sound.

From the black packaging box the round projector lamp rolled out, touched the switch, and at an angle cast a field of white star-dots across the ceiling, across Aihua and me.

Aihua lowered her head and gently set the drawing in her hand on the desk.

Her gaze drifted to the side, as if avoiding my eyes, then she said:

“So it really was that angel?…

“All these years you’ve been drawing, it’s always been her?…”

“Lingyin.” 

Still gripping Aihua’s hand tightly, my eyes did not leave her for an instant.

In that moment I realized why she had asked me that day.

Perhaps it was precisely because she actually knew Lingyin existed.

I looked at her and only felt that everything before my eyes was so blurred. “Her name is Lingyin.”

Then Aihua’s arm flung my hand off. “That hurts!”

“Ah, s-sorry.”

But I still emphasized, “Lingyin. Her name is Lingyin.”

“I don’t know what she’s called.” 

Aihua said this. 

“I don’t have much interest in questions like what she’s called or who she is.

“You probably don’t remember anymore… that day you still hadn’t come back late at night, and you didn’t pick up the phone, so I came out to look for you.”

“I knew that during that period you had suddenly taken a liking to going to the library, just like now. So I went to libraries to find you. I looked through several libraries and finally found you in that suburban one.”

“I saw it there too.”

“An angel…”

“An angel…” Under the “starry sky” Aihua’s eyes shone with the light from the projector lamp.

I looked at her.

She likewise looked up at me.

Somehow a lonely expression showed.

After a long silence she continued, “That day I came up in the elevator and then saw you sitting in front of the hall doors. Just as I was about to call you, a person landed on the stairs.

“That was an angel… yes, an angel. I saw it.

“The same as in your drawings. Although I didn’t see her face clearly, there was a glittering halo on her head too, a pair of pure white wings on her back, and long, pink hair. She walked up the stairs toward you, calling your name, and the two of you sat side by side in front of the hall like that… well, I just left like that.”

“Perhaps I simply saw it wrong, I thought.

“My jie had actually already made a friend, close enough to still meet so late in a place so far from home. Actually there wasn’t anything to worry about anymore.

“So all these years you’ve insisted on going to that library only because you’re still waiting for her?”

***

“Yes.” 

After a silence I said this. 

“Maybe you think it’s foolish. Maybe that person isn’t even in this world anymore. Or she went somewhere very, very far and will never come back…”

“But even just remembering her has become the only thing that lets me feel at ease, feel relaxed.”

I still remembered the simple, pure wish that rose in my heart when I met her.

Write beautiful fairy tales for you, paint pretty landscapes for you.

Whether in the mountains, above the clouds, or before the azure sea, at least in my drawings you were there.

I could not accept a world without you, even if when I saw you again you had come to take me away from this world.

But I was also afraid that if I left alone, when you came back you would not find me.

Our unwritten promise—do you still remember it, Lingyin?

“An angel. Yes… my angel.” Silently I said this. 

“I think she is an angel. When an angel finishes her mission and leaves the gospel with the world, she returns to the hometown that belongs to her (Eden).”

I could not move my feet, because I could not leave here, leave this room full of missing you, leave this city where I met you, that library.

And Aihua looking at me, clearly the little sister, reached out and gently stroked my head, stirring my hair.

After a long while she said this: “Your angel, huh…”

I probably looked terrible.

Clearly I was the older sister, yet once again I was so tortured by tears I could not say a single word.

Aihua’s voice beside my ear sounded buzz-buzz, seeming far from me, yet also seeming close.

What should I do?

What could I do?

What on earth was I supposed to do…

Collapse was sometimes only a matter of an instant, even if at my age I would no longer casually vent my emotions.

Me, already an adult, under the gaze of Aihua who was still underage.

She had probably originally intended to say something.

In this situation, naturally, she could not get a word out either.

***

A long time later Aihua faintly, in her usual calm voice, said, “You’re still the same as before after all, Jie.”