Chapter 65: …Please continue

“By the way, Zhi Nian, have you had your period yet?”

In the delicately decorated barbecue restaurant, I was looking around with great curiosity while we waited for the food to arrive—until Gu Fan leaned close to my ear and softly asked that question.

“Mm… yeah, I have. Don’t worry, I can eat anything.”

It was the first time a boy had ever asked me such a sensitive question…

I couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed.

A faint warmth crept up my cheeks.

While Gu Fan went to grab drinks, I quickly pulled out a small mirror from my bag and checked my face.

Ugh… it looked like a thin veil of pink had settled over my skin.

This month’s period wasn’t as painful as the last.

Aside from a bit of bleeding and a dragging sensation in my lower abdomen, there wasn’t much discomfort.

Maybe last time was worse because I hadn’t paid attention to the timing and ate too much ice cream.

Before I knew it, I’d already adapted to being more feminine.

So many small details in my life had changed completely.

But… that wasn’t a bad thing for me.

On the contrary, being a girl gave me the freedom to get closer to Gu Fan without holding back.

That was nice.

I rested my cheek on my hand and watched Gu Fan as he carefully picked out drinks.

Only after a while did I shift my gaze back to the barbecue restaurant itself.

The chairs, patterned in a vintage style, felt greasy to the touch.

I dampened a napkin and wiped the seat down, but it was still a bit uncomfortable to sit on.

The table wasn’t much better.

I wasn’t a neat freak or anything, but I couldn’t quite get used to it.

I took a few more napkins and gave the table a thorough wipe—especially Gu Fan’s side.

Only after that did I settle back into my chair, letting my thoughts wander back to the day’s events.

After deciding to give my time to Gu Fan, we took a rare trip to the church.

The piano was still sitting in the front courtyard, and the black-patterned benches were still scattered messily, blocking the way.

The flowers in the garden had mostly withered, leaving only the stubborn weeds swaying defiantly in the wind.

Sitting in the gazebo, surrounded by the scent of grass and greenery, we spaced out just like we used to—without deliberately finding topics to talk about.

If it were a normal day, I probably would’ve tried to come up with something to do with Gu Fan, so he wouldn’t feel bored.

But everything that happened today was just too overwhelming.

After all, ever since I crossed over into this world, nearly all my decisions were based on one belief:

Gu Fan only had three years left, and I needed to cherish every moment with him.

Now that I’d discovered Gu Fan actually has a long life ahead of him, I’d lost my footing.

I could only stumble and grasp desperately at fragile supports to keep myself from falling into the void.

My dizzy mind had been jolted awake by that medical record, and ever since then I hadn’t felt sleepy at all.

It was as if I was pushing past my limits just to rebuild some kind of meaning for my existence.

And that kind of overexertion did have its benefits—at the very least, I wasn’t as emotional as I’d been before seeing the record.

I could use reason to hold back those dangerously intense urges that could almost be considered criminal.

Everyone has dark thoughts, but I probably have a few more than most.

All day long I keep imagining inappropriate things I want to do to Gu Fan.

We’re such good friends… and yet I still want to do those kinds of things to him…

Damn those dreams.

Whether it was last week’s spring dream or today’s dream of locking him up, they’ve dragged out all the filthy, disgusting plans I had buried deep in my heart.

It’s unforgivable.

Thoughts like these have no place in society.

I might not care about being hated or scorned, but Gu Fan does.

He’s not like me—cold and withdrawn on the surface, yet a chaotic mess on the inside.

Gu Fan is the most perfect boy I’ve ever known.

Among our peers, he’s someone to look up to.

Compared to someone like me—a gloomy, antisocial otaku girl—we’re worlds apart…

“Zhi Nian? Spacing out again?”

A well-defined hand waved in front of my face.

I blinked my dry eyes and looked dazedly to the side.

Gu Fan was beside me, wearing a warm smile, his gentle eyes full of quiet acceptance.

“Mm? What’s up?”

Spacing out isn’t scary—but getting caught spacing out by Gu Fan is pretty embarrassing.

I lowered my gaze, staring at the fabric of Gu Fan’s shirt near his stomach.

I don’t know when it started, but I’ve become afraid of looking him in the eyes, like those filthy thoughts inside me would be seen through by his amber-like gaze.

“I was just wondering if you could drink. Today’s kind of special, and there’s no school tomorrow. I thought a little celebration with drinks might be nice.”

The way Gu Fan asked, his tone a bit hesitant, made it clear he wasn’t sure whether I could handle alcohol or not.

Come to think of it, the only time I’ve ever had alcohol in my life was… the day I crossed over into this world.

Was it two cans?

Three?

I don’t remember exactly, but I think I handled it pretty well—I was able to carry on a normal conversation with Gu Fan at least.

I didn’t want to be a buzzkill.

Since Gu Fan asked, it probably meant he really wanted to let loose and enjoy himself today.

As his childhood friend, of course I had to go along with what he wanted.

But…

I didn’t know Gu Fan liked drinking this much.

I’ll need to keep an eye on that in the future.

If he ever gets drunk, it’d be a hassle—my scrawny body probably couldn’t even drag him home.

After I nodded to Gu Fan, the corners of his lips curved up in a subtle smile—he clearly was interested in drinking.

By the time Gu Fan came back from the vending machine with the beer, the shop owner had already brought over the skewers, grilled eggplant, chicken sticks, and other dishes.

Surrounded by the mouthwatering smell, I stared at the food calmly, hoping I’d feel some kind of “I want to eat!” urge.

Unfortunately, nothing came.

My appetite really is shockingly low.

Probably from the years of bad habits—just one or two meals a day.

Everything tastes bland, like chewing wax.

What people call “delicious” only registers when I happen to be in a good mood.

“No appetite? You look kind of listless.”

“Uh—no, no, not at all. I’ve been craving barbecue for a while now. I just spaced out a little since it’s my first time here.”

“That so?”

Gu Fan’s eyelids drooped slightly, his narrowed gaze sweeping across my face.

Being stared at like that made me feel flustered—I could only press my hands down on my thighs and straighten my back, meeting his eyes for a few brief moments.

“Then… how about I feed you?”

I thought he was about to give me a gentle reminder to eat properly, but instead, he went straight into action.

As he spoke, his hand moved—bringing a skewer of lamb, sizzling with hot oil, right to my mouth.

Yet what truly caught my attention wasn’t how appetizing the skewer looked—it was the boy sitting across from me, his eyes brimming with warmth.

He always looked like this… and I never seemed to get tired of it.

Gulp. I swallowed unconsciously, staring intently at Gu Fan’s face as I parted my lips and bit into a chunk of lamb.

Even though it was coated with cumin and chili powder, the flavor that burst in my mouth was a deep, penetrating sweetness.

That sweetness slid down my throat and into my lungs, and with each breath I took, it dissolved my fatigue.

It wrapped itself around my beating heart too, making it flutter with excitement and joy.

“Does it taste good?”

“…Please keep feeding me.”

I voiced the words that my subconscious had been screaming to say.

I took another fierce bite of the skewer, wishing I could sit right next to Gu Fan and catch every single shift in his expression up close.