Before a wish is fulfilled, do people constantly imagine what it will be like afterward?
I don’t know how others think, but at least that’s how I am.
Since childhood, the things I could get were extremely limited.
My father cheated right in front of me, and my mother changed drastically because of it.
She always suspected I was plotting to leave her.
She controlled me extremely strictly when I was little.
Later on, I don’t know whether my mother realized that kind of upbringing was no good, or if she just got too busy with work and had no time left.
She simply adopted a free-range parenting style, like how people raise pets in the countryside.
Aside from giving me the necessary living expenses, we never had any meaningful conversations again.
I don’t know if my extreme personality was already planted during that time.
What I, clumsy as I am, can be sure of is that up till now, the only person who has consistently given me warmth is Gu Fan.
That’s also why, after throwing a tantrum and breaking off with Gu Fan, my guilt kept churning endlessly inside.
It kept telling me that I still couldn’t forget about Gu Fan.
With all these factors adding up, whenever I realize a wish is about to come true, it feels like my body falls into a tank of formalin.
I turn stiff, like I’ve been made into a preserved specimen.
Uncomfortable, strange, and numb feelings invade my body like air being pumped into a tire.
They flood every cell inside me, and I can only watch helplessly as control over my body slips from my grasp.
I really don’t know how to react in moments like this.
In the past, I could grit my teeth and push through, relying on the last bits of courage that hadn’t yet faded away.
I’d use my immature self to pour out feelings for Gu Fan — feelings so intense they could fill the ocean.
But when I look back afterward, I always feel like that version of me was unbelievably stupid.
Every single time.
Yes, it’s always like that — not once have I ever felt satisfied with my performance.
I long to become the perfect goddess, flawless, someone whose every word and action can make Gu Fan’s heart race.
I want him to rush toward me, pull me into his arms, and whisper unbearably sweet words of love — or any kind of praise that could make me melt away.
For that, I’m willing to give everything I have.
I don’t care how others might see me.
Am I crazy? Or just a hopelessly foolish woman?
In such a modern and civilized age, how can there still be girls like me — so dependent, so lacking in self-love?
Falling in love blindly can ruin you.
I’ve already imagined how people would criticize and insult me.
I’m not good with words — I never know how to respond properly.
But there’s one thing I understand very clearly.
If Gu Fan is willing to accept a woman like me — someone he can love for a lifetime and only have eyes for — someone who wouldn’t, like my father, seek out other lovers even after having a wife…
As long as Gu Fan can do that, then based on what I know about him, I believe my life from then on could already be considered a happy one.
I believe Gu Fan will let someone like me — who’s not independent, who doesn’t think straight, who always imagines weird things and has horrible social skills — become the happiest girl in the world.
Unfortunately…
The gap between reality and fantasy is just too wide.
The more beautiful I imagine things, the harsher reality slaps me across the face.
Gu Fan’s personality didn’t become the kind of terrible that I feared.
Instead, he became even more dazzling and perfect than he was when we were young.
Just watching him, being admired and surrounded by others, shook me deeply.
It felt like I’d have to defeat all those amazing people just to be worthy of standing beside Gu Fan.
And then I met Shiratori.
As well as many others who were more humorous than me, had better grades, and came from more privileged backgrounds.
People my age—I always knew that what would affect the long-lasting bond between Gu Fan and me wouldn’t be a difference in values.
It would be those external factors I once thought didn’t matter at all.
After enduring setback after setback, over time, I lost the ability to feel hope.
Even though I still fantasize about things that could never happen, I try my best to reel them back in before anything real begins.
I lock them deep in my heart, where they won’t run wild and disturb my mind.
But this time, Gu Fan’s sudden advance caught me completely off guard.
I couldn’t suppress those restless desires in time.
And once that emptiness sensed a chance to be filled — so full it might even overflow — it transformed into a starving beast.
It chased the scent of its prey like a mad animal, and when it caught up, it pounced and began to tear into it with a growl.
Faced with the risk of completely losing control, the only thing I could do was shut off my senses.
I had to make Gu Fan’s presence disappear from my awareness, so that those unfulfilled urges would gradually fade.
But this process was painful — a true torture.
When I was little, I used to eat candy to ease feelings of loneliness and confusion.
But after learning it would cause cavities, I was forced to give it up.
Right now, my emotional state feels just like when I had to quit sugar.
My heart clenches and tugs in waves, constantly growling, “I want it — give it to me already, stop holding back.”
It’s like it wants to completely destroy the fragile defenses I’ve built up.
I bit down hard on my lower lip — it felt like I might even start bleeding.
Both hands grabbed my cat ears and pressed them down flat.
My arms tucked in slightly to press down on the other pair of ears below, but I could still hear Gu Fan’s voice, faint and fuzzy.
And then…
I was gently picked up.
Gu Fan’s scorching body heat radiated through every point where our skin touched.
It made those parts of me tingle, go numb, and spasm with heat.
I accidentally let my barbed tongue slip out, only to find I couldn’t pull it back in.
All I could do was try to suck in the drool that was about to spill out.
Thankfully, I had my head buried and was curled up, so Gu Fan wouldn’t see me like this.
After being placed on the bench, I heard the rustling sound of clothes being taken off nearby…
No way—was he planning to do it out here in public…?
Wouldn’t that be a bit much…?
Nervously, I swallowed hard.
Then I felt a heavy weight settle on my shoulders.
Out of the corner of my eye, I snuck a glance—it was the deep blue coat I had given Gu Fan.
“Wait here for me.”
At some point, my hands that had been covering my cat ears had let go.
I clearly heard Gu Fan say those words, then the sound of his footsteps quickly fading into the distance.
Suddenly, my heart felt completely empty.
Why did Gu Fan sneak off on his own?
Surely he wasn’t going to buy those kinds of things… like, you know… certain spicy items?
What exactly did Gu Fan say to me before picking me up?
I was a little curious…
If it had been some spicy suggestion, there was a very real chance my rational mind would drown in the sea of desire.
I might have pounced on Gu Fan right then and there—it wouldn’t have been impossible.
Just in case, I should hold back.
Let’s treat this rare first time as something to be saved until after we’re adults.
We’re still young.
We can’t have kids yet…
Ugh, why did my thoughts jump straight to having kids?
How bizarre…
I squeezed my legs together and held back a faint urge to pee.
Just like a turtle retreating into its shell, I curled myself up tightly and didn’t move a muscle.