Before a wish comes true, do you ever find yourself constantly imagining what it would be like once it does?
I don’t know how others feel, but at least for me, that’s exactly what happens.
Since childhood, I’ve had access to very few things.
My father cheated right in front of me.
Because of that, my mother had a complete personality shift and always suspected I was planning to abandon her.
She controlled me with strict discipline when I was young.
Later on, I’m not sure if she realized such an approach wasn’t working or if she was just too busy with work to continue.
But she ended up raising me in a free-range way, like the pets you see in the countryside.
Aside from giving me the necessary living expenses, we never had any meaningful communication again.
I don’t know if my extreme personality was planted during that time.
What I do know, in my clumsy way, is that the only person who has ever given me a long-lasting and steady warmth is Gu Fan.
That’s also why, after I threw a tantrum and cut ties with Gu Fan, my guilt churned endlessly inside me.
It was a clear sign that I still couldn’t forget about Gu Fan.
All these overlapping factors caused my body to freeze up, as if it had suddenly fallen into a tank of formalin, the moment I sensed my wish was about to come true—turned stiff like a specimen.
That discomfort, that weird numbness, felt like air being pumped into a tire, rapidly flooding every cell in my body.
I could only watch helplessly as my control over my own body slipped away.
I truly don’t know what kind of reaction I’m supposed to have in those moments.
In the past, I was still able to grit my teeth and endure it, clumsily pouring out emotions strong enough to fill the sea in front of Gu Fan.
But when I look back afterward, I always feel like that version of me was painfully stupid—explosively dumb, even.
That’s how it is. Without exception, not once have I ever performed in a way that satisfied me.
I long to become the perfect goddess—flawless, never making mistakes, with every word and action stirring Gu Fan’s heart, making him rush toward me, pull me into his arms, and whisper sweet nothings so sugary they’d make anyone gag, or shower me with praise so intense it drowns my consciousness.
For that, I’m willing to give everything.
I don’t care how others see me.
Am I crazy? Or just a hopelessly foolish woman?
In this modern and advanced era, how can someone like me still exist—a girl who lacks independence and self-love?
Falling in love too hard will only end up hurting yourself!
I’ve already imagined how others would judge and insult me.
I’m clumsy with words, unable to come up with a proper response.
But one thing I do know clearly:
If Gu Fan is willing to accept a woman like me, the kind who only wants to be seen by him alone for the rest of her life—unlike my father, who, even after marrying my mother, still inexplicably sought out mistresses— then based on how well I know Gu Fan, I can say my life from that point on would already be defined as “happiness.”
I believe Gu Fan will make a girl like me—the dependent, slow-witted, weirdly imaginative, socially awkward idiot— into the happiest girl in the world.
It’s just a shame…
The gap between reality and fantasy is far too wide. The more beautifully I imagine it, the harder reality slaps me in the face.
Gu Fan’s personality didn’t turn out to be the kind I feared—cruel or cold. Instead, he became even more dazzling and perfect than he was as a child.
Just watching him being admired and surrounded by people already made me feel deeply overwhelmed,
as if I’d have to defeat an army of talented individuals just to earn the right to stand by his side.
Later, I met Bai Niao, and many others who were more humorous, had better grades, and came from superior backgrounds than me…
When it comes to people our age, I already knew that what would get in the way of me and Gu Fan being together for a long time wasn’t our values or outlook on life— it was all these external factors I used to think didn’t matter at all.
After going through so many setbacks, I gradually lost the ability to look forward to things.
Even though I still fantasize about things that could never happen, I always try to force those thoughts back down before anything serious begins— lock them up deep inside my heart, where they can’t run wild and mess with my mind.
But this time, Gu Fan’s sudden approach caught me off guard, and I didn’t manage to suppress those restless desires in time.
When a hollow craving senses the chance to be filled—overflowing, even— it turns into a starving beast,
tracking the scent of its prey and charging after it, until finally—chomp—it starts to tear it apart.
Faced with the madness that was about to take over, the only thing I could do was temporarily numb my senses— erase Gu Fan’s presence from my mind.
That way, those long-unfulfilled desires would eventually fade away on their own.
But that process was excruciatingly painful.
As a kid, I used to eat candy to cope with confusion and loneliness.
Later, when I found out it caused cavities, I was forced to quit.
My emotional state now feels just like that period of quitting sugar— my heart spasms in waves, growling constantly: “I want it—give it to me—stop holding back,” trying to push my fragile mental defenses to the brink of collapse.
I bit down hard on my lower lip—hard enough to nearly draw blood. I grabbed my cat ears, flattening them tightly.
My arms pressed inward, trying to cover the other pair of ears down below, but even then, I could still faintly hear Gu Fan’s voice.
And then…
I was gently picked up.
The burning warmth of Gu Fan’s body radiated from every point of contact with my skin, unleashing its own unique influence.
I unconsciously stuck out my tongue—barbed and fleshy— but then realized I couldn’t pull it back in anymore.
Damn it, I’m not some panting dog trying to cool off with its tongue!
Thankfully, I had my head buried and was curled up in a ball, so Gu Fan wouldn’t see me like this.
After he placed me onto a bench, I heard the rustling sound of clothes being taken off nearby…
No way… In a public place like this? Isn’t that a bit… too much?
I nervously swallowed, and then felt a heavy weight drape over my shoulders.
I glanced at it out of the corner of my eye—it was that deep-blue jacket I had given Gu Fan.
“Wait for me,” he said.
At some point, my hands that had been covering my cat ears had let go.
I clearly heard Gu Fan’s words, followed by the sound of his footsteps quickly fading into the distance.
And just like that, my heart suddenly felt empty and hollow.
Why did Gu Fan sneak off by himself?
Did he go to buy something?
And what exactly did he say before he picked me up?
Now I’m a little curious…
But if it was something lewd, my mind would absolutely drown in a sea of desire, and honestly, I might’ve just tackled Gu Fan right then and there.
Better not risk it.
Let’s just delay this rare “first time” until after we’re adults.
We’re still young—we can’t have kids yet…
Wait, why did my thoughts jump straight to having children?
What a weirdo I am…
I clamped my legs tightly together, held back a vague urge to pee, and curled myself up like a turtle retreating into its shell— not moving an inch.